Thursday, 12 July 2012

Plastic Fantastic? You Fcking Bet Ya!!!!!!!

I saw the most amusing text yesterday, it went something along the lines of  "Going to see a man about a dog, and by man I mean plastic surgeon about two new puppies" and I pretty much lost my shit. Is this not the best written text in the history of, well, forever? I am going to put this here from the outset, I am the largest supporter of plastic surgery. It enables someone to make themselves feel like they do on the inside and thats a pretty awesome thing. It got me to thinking if I was going to get something done, what would it be? 

I am sitting here at the moment in a dirty hoody (my pasta sauce exploded and my hoody rotation is now down to one) and leggings and my self esteem is at a record low but I guess I have been pretty lucky as normally I am generally pretty confident in myself and what my mumma gave me (this saying though I find to be stupid but I was at a loss as to what else I could write to convey my point, but I digress).  Saying that though even I have down times and in those down times it has made me come up with these ideas 

Eye Surgery

I dont know if this exists but if it does, I am pretty sure that I would jump on board. My eyes have long been the source of self hatred and I think this stems from a tough child hood of my sister calling me feret and saying she could blind fold me with a piece of string. Or it could possibly have been from my mum telling me that she asked the doctor what was wrong with my eyes when I was born. These two things mixed together are enough to give anyone a complex about their slanty little eyes. 

See Squinty

I wear glasses and have since I was a young child and this never really bothered me, and now days glasses are actually cool, you can see that by people wearing just frames without the lenses to try and be up to date with the latest fashion trend.  Its the size of them thats the problem (its always the size isnt it?). Maybe I could get surgery to get Anime eyes, all big and doe like? I'm sure thats a thing. 

Over the years though I guess I have come to get used to my eyes, they have been vaguely staring back at me for the last 29 years, and people have actually started telling me that I have nice eyes, and here was me thinking that the only thing I had going for me was my killer rack... which leads me into my next point 

I'm ready for my close up

Boob Job

Now dont get me wrong I am pretty darn pleased with the tits that I have, I have been referred to as Porno Tits in the past and every time I take my bra off even I gasp in appreciation at what I got going on. I have managed to hit 29 without any sag but I know that the day is going to come when they arent where they were and have decided the minute that they head south I am going to go in and get that shit sorted out. While I am in there why not get them pumped up (Pumped up Tits? thats a song right?), I would love boobs so big that I could rest my dinner on them like a stable table or use them as my own pillow. Honestly whats not to love about that idea?

Boobs.... just imagine these bigger for a pillow. YESSSS!!!!!

Finger Shortening?

This one is coming from left field I know and its probably not possible but I would like to have smaller hands. Over the years I have managed to develop a complex over the gigantic mits that I have been lumbered with. Lets take a walk down memory lane to when I was 18, I was dating a young lad called Cameron. One fine day after a rather large night out we were cuddling on his couch holding hands and drinking Choc Milk (I would like to make a side note here, I dont even like Choc Milk, what was I thinking?) when he remarked "Oh my god, your have the biggest hands" and on comparing my hands to his, I realised that he was correct. The next day he broke up with me, and in my head these two things have always been related. 

Fast forward a few years to meeting a guy at a pub who was exceptionally tall (around about the 6'5ish mark) and being the cheeky little thing that I am, I started bombarding his senses with my flirting abilities. He was smitten and hooked (and honestly why wouldnt he be, see above for one reason to be enamoured), that was until I held up my hand to playfully swat him for a cheeky comment that he had made. A look of horror passed over his delightful features as he gasped "Your hands are huge" and on holding his hand up against mine, my hands were larger. Either he had tiny little hands or my fear of giant man hands was actually realised. If my hands are more giant that a giant mans, really how giant are they? Couple this with the fact that I am unable to find ladies gloves that provide me with enough finger length and I once got told that with hands this big I would make any guys dick looks small (I believe this has something to do with the reason that I am still single) something needs to change.  So if anyone has any solutions please let me know, but until then I will sit on my hands and try not to breath to loud (funnily enough this is the same advise that I was given when I was going to have a lap dance)

Giant Hands make working on cars difficult

So really if this is all that I want to fix, I dont really have much to complain about, there are always going to be the issues that all girls have like thinner thighs and a flatter stomach but even I know the way to get that and its a lot easier and cheaper than surgery. To anyone that is thinking they would like surgery, I say Go for it!!! At the end of the day, if you look good, you feel good and everyone wants to be around happy people. If you are able to get yourself to a point in life where your outside feels like your insides then you know you have done something right.

To anyone that feels the need to judge people who choose to go under the knife, I ask you to pull your head in. You probably dont know what that person was feeling inside and everyone deserves to be happy with themselves. Arent we all guilty of doing something out of "Vanity"? I will be the first to admit that I get my nails done and put on make up, really its all the same. As the infomercial for control top panties just told me "Why grin and bear it when you can smile and wear it?"

I love every plastic little thing about this Lady 

Love and Confidence 

Miss K 

It really is a marvel

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