Some thoughts on Modern Day Dating

I think that I have mentioned it before, we live in this modern day world full of choice and technology and I am starting realise (or maybe I have known for a long time) that this doesn't really do any favours to those of us that are trying to date. To me, this is modern dating... 

Modern Dating is... never knowing what the fuck is actually going on and being to scared to ask because you don't want to come across as crazy 

Modern Dating is... sitting on "Read" and going silently crazy wondering what you did to upset him

Modern Dating is... joining Tinder even though you think its probably not going to work but feeling desperate enough to give it a go anyway because your time is running out. 

Modern Dating is... Deleting Tinder a week after you installed it because its not organic and everyone you have met isn't actually 6 ft even when they said they would 

Modern Dating is... Reinstalling Tinder a few months later because hey, this time could be different and you're not getting any younger 

Modern Dating is... saying no to all other guys because you have feelings for someone and while nothing has happened, you just don't want to risk it in case it does. And this is why, you are currently in the longest drought of your sexual career 

Modern Dating is... buying new lingerie, getting a wax and a fake tan and laying yourself on a silver platter only to be turned down. But hey, you look banging so really he is the only one that misses out and sharing a bed is annoying anyway.

Modern Dating is... getting waxed every month because it might be lucky this time around and even though it never is, at least someone is touching your vagina, even if it is only to slather you in hot wax

Modern Dating is... having multiple platforms to contact people on and still not getting anything (because he hates you!!) and wanting to contact them but not wanting to seem crazy

Modern Dating is...trying not to be crazy but then being crazy about not being crazy. And actually legit not being crazy until that dude comes on the scene 

Modern Dating is...bomb fire Nudes that you send only to them and forget to save. Its kinda like that scene in Big Daddy "we wasted the good surprise on you". Though thankfully you did save that one amazing underboob shot and now its on Tumblr because hey, sometimes things are just too good to not share

Modern Dating is... making an effort with your head, just in case there is a chance that you might see them. Even if the Chance is like 0.01%. You can't hide your terrible personality but you can kind of try to hide your terrible face. 

Modern Dating is...'not looking for anything', and I kind of get that. If you've managed to get to this age without any battle wounds, I don't know that you have really experienced life. But I also think that you cant put your life on hold for ever just out of fear, not every person is them and you deserve to be happy... you just need to try. 

Modern Dating is...  finding out from social media that its over and you're done. No final show downs, just some ghosting and photos with the new partner. 

Modern Dating is... constantly wondering why you aren't good enough and why it is so easy for everyone else that you know to find partners or get affection. You know you're hideous, but fuck, you're not that bad and you're sure you've got some good qualities in there.

Modern Dating is... having to tell your friends that its another false alarm and they can take the eggs out of the basket now.  Or actually not really telling anyone at all, because really there was never anything to tell. 

This last couple of months, I have felt pretty much all of these things. Same old story, met a guy, he took my breath away the instant that I saw him without him even realising (I strongly believe that he is one of the special ones) A couple of months of talking and terrible flirting on my behalf and it all came to a head a few weeks ago. I laid my cards on the table and it didn't turn out how I was wanting, but that's cool as well, he isn't looking for anything and I respect him so much for being honest about it. I got sent this the other day and it hit my feels "Even if you go for it and it doesn't work out you still win. You still had the guts enough to head straight in to something that frightened you. That type of bravery will take you places" and you know what, that is 100% correct. I've survived every other set back in life and with each one of these, its taking me closer to the magic that I deserve. How bloody exciting is that. 

So hold in there my cherubs, its not easy, but I KNOW that one day its all going to be worth it. 

Love and Magic Dreaming 

Miss K

So its probably time to talk about Physcial Contact

Things I Do Well

- Making shy people feel uncomfortable

- Reaching things on high shelves

- Squirting water out of my mouth in a precision like manner at a target

- Eating

- Over thinking simple situations

Things I do Badly

- Drying my back properly when I get out of the shower

- Co-Ordination, all kinds, every day

- Having a poker face

- Putting my underwear on the right way, 7 days a week

- Physical Contact and Touching

So there it is, a little snap shot of the good and the bad that occurs in my daily life. But the one I really want to focus on, is the last one, because I am starting realise that it might actually be a bit of a big deal. For me, I have always been pretty bad at people being in my space, I guess I am a kind of a lone shark, but in recent years I have gotten discernibly worse. Long story short, I was the victim of a sexual assault a few years ago and now, I guess I am a bit crazy (well more than I used to be anyway I guess, or maybe a different type of crazy. Anyway crazy). I have gone through extensive counselling and I am most of the time ok, I can function and I am getting on with my life but it has had some knock on effects, like being weird about touching.

I have a friend (actually I have quiet a few) and she loves affection and will demand hugs and back tickles from anyone that is around and I envy her freeness with it all. For me its more, oh god, I don't know this person!!! Why are they touching me!!! Or I worry if they hug me, I wont be able to get away. And I guess as you can imagine, it makes dealings with the opposite sex pretty difficult.  If I am honest mostly I just let these interactions happen because I know that its me with the problem and to most people, these encounters are normal. My head screams at me to man the panic stations but I am getting better at trying to silence it and with each bit of contact I am starting to regain some footing.

And to add to all of this, I am a walking contradiction and I know it. I want to be able to touch people and be close to them, and when I have decided in my head that I trust you and I am ok, I am probably going to do little things like put my hand on your arm, or want to hug you when things aren't going so well and to you its not big deal but to me, its huge. I have dropped a big wall to do that, and I kinda hope that you see that.  To be honest, I haven't actually figured out the best way to let people know how much it means and I just kinda hope that they can work it out for themselves.

Facebook memories popped up this post the other day and while I was reading back I was struck by how much has changed and how far I have come in three years and I am pretty proud of that. Three years ago, I couldn't have anyone touch me and even used to panic when men would look in my direction, and now I am at the point where I want certain people to touch me and that's an exciting advancement.  Its all steps in the right direction.

 Some mornings, I wake up and think, today is going to be a day when I am going to destroy the world, all of the molecules and happiness seem to align inside me and I feel unstoppable. I am starting to think that this may be the secret to it all, the answer to all the weirdness and aversion. Its something I am probably going to investigate anyway. So there it is, the problem, the exceptions and hopefully the solution, I guess now we just wait to see what I can build out of this 

Love and Touching

Miss K