That Ol' New Years Kiss

So, Typical turn of events for a New Years Eve, catch up with friends, eat, drink, be merry, suck someones face off at the stroke of Midnight, hug everyone in your vicinity, struggle to get a taxi home but feel optimistic about the year to come. Pretty standard fair right? Right. Well in the essence of full disclosure (because that's pretty much what this blog is all about isn't it) its time to admit that I have never had a New Years Kiss, 32 and never been kissed and all that Jazz. And with New Years eve upon us again, I am sure you are wondering if I am going to change that tonight... and I am realistic enough to believe that the answer is going to be no. Here is why

I am socially awkward - during the course of the night various men will talk to me, probably show their interest but I will find some way to get out of it. It will kinda be like "hey, can you hear that, I think its the Bat Phone, I better go". I don't mean to be socially awkward, it just kind of happens. If I hang around, I am going to spill something on myself and probably on you as well, I will touch you inappropriately and probably talk about fisting or ask you if you have a foreskin so its better that we just end this exchange now before things actually get weird. Its not you, its me.

I probably will need to go to the toilet at that exact moment - talk about the King of bad timing, the one new years that I had the chance to have a smoochy smooch, I needed to go to the toilet and I couldn't hold it. My long term boyfriend at the time was like "are you sure you need to go, right at the second" and the answer was yes, the answer is always yes. So I was inside the toilet, he was standing outside the toilet waiting for me and when I walked out it was probably the saddest sight I had ever seen, poor old mate standing all alone, abandoned and waiting for me. So not only did I miss it, I made someone else miss it too. Man I am a Jerk. (Though as a disclaimer, I had been taking a fair amount of drugs that evening (drugs are bad ok) and the toilet was really empty and I didnt have to line up, so I guess there was some silver lining on this cloud)

I wont make the first move - because plain and simple, boys have germs and I don't want to get germs. Or something. Sure I might smile at you, but I will probably look away in the next instant because while I want you to approach me, I am also doubting that you will. I have recently been told that I have to stop tapping peoples sacks and that was always my sure fire opening line, so without that I am not actually sure how to talk to guys, If you have any ideas, we have a few hours before I need to put them in to practice, so hit me up.

I'm not Confident - shock horror and I know that this will be a revelation to some of you but I have the confidence of Dobby The House Elf. Its inconceivable that someone would actually be wanting to talk to me, so I dismiss them or ignore them or go to the toilet. Anything as an escape.

I'm old and would rather stay at home - I know, I know, 32 is not that old, but really, I am going to go out and probably be more excited about the prospect of going home and getting in to bed than I am about the men around me. You may call it a missed opportunity but I call it perfect forward planning. I don't know when I stopped being part of the FOMO Generation because now I am part of the IHAH (I'm Happy at Home) Generation and I am over the moon about it.

My Friends are more important - I am with them on New Years because they got me to this point, their love and support got me through the last year, so why at the last moment would I choose to be away from them? When the Ball Drops, I want to be with people that love me for me, not because the beer is telling  them to.

Whats the Point? - When I was 18/19 I would suck anyone's face off, walk in to a club feeling like P Diddy, give me 5 minutes and it would be on with some random. Sure it was great fun and I probably got some free drinks out of it but what did it bring to my life? Do I still see any of them? Do they even remember that I exist? Can I remember what their names were or what their faces look like? Not really no. So whats the point? Life for me now is about making memorable moments and lasting connections. Sure the guy that I could kiss may well be the love of my life and Fireworks could erupt when our lips brush.... but probably not. 

As you probably gathered, I am not all that fussed about the Good Ol' New Years Kiss, if it happens, it happens and if it doesn't, then that's no skin off my nose either, I got a whole life going on here, whats a few seconds of lip smacking? Stay Safe Everyone, look after one another and do good things. We got shit to do next year, and I need you around to do it (or to hold my beer and watch me while I do it)

Love and Auld Lang Syne 

Miss K

N.B Normally I do a recap of the year and a set out for what I want to achieve in the year to come, but this year I kinda didn't see the point. I don't know that I achieved any of the goals that I set out at the end of last year and I probably would just be making myself loud empty promises if I went down that road again so instead I have one New Years Resolution that I think that even I can stick to, and it can be all encompassing. Here it is, Drum-roll please, "In 2016 I'm not going be a Jerk". No Matter what, Don't be a Jerk. I got this.

N.B.B I know reading this a certain few people are going to be cross at me for not being confident and believing in myself. Noted guys, so I will add that one to the list as well. "In 2016 I'm not going to be a jerk and I am going to get more confident. Because I am Kick Arse". New Year, New Me Standard Bullshit but I promise you that I am actually going to try. If I loose my way can someone please tell me to go look at my boobs, they are always the confidence boost that I need.

Tis the season... to send dick pics

So as I am sure most of you are aware, the other day was Christmas Day, and Christmas Day is known to be a day of giving. This year my "gifts" came in different forms but hey who am I to look a gift horse in the mouth? In the 24 hours of the Christmas festivities I have received Five (5), yes that's right, five dick pics. Maybe it was the full moon that made it happen or maybe people were just feeling really generous, who actually knows. But it got me questioning what the desired outcome of sending a dick pic is? Here are some thoughts. 

To show that he isn't actually a Robot - see we have this friend  and he is tall and good looking and sporty and rich and all manner of things that make him the perfect man, but we have this theory that there is no way that one person can actually be so perfect so we have come to speculate that he is actually a Robot and doesn't have a penis and instead the penis area is where you plug him in for charging. Its really the only likely explanation. I am sure there are many Robot Guys out there like him, so they are just proving they aren't Astro Boy, that's cool dude. 

They Want to show me that they have one - Yeah I get it, but really this whole thing is a two for the price of one deal, buy one, get one free if you like. I get you and I get him as an added bonus. You know how your Nan always used to say "why would they buy the cow when they can get the milk for free!??!!" well I feel that notion has some sort of relevance in the equation, is it still a thing in the modern day world?

They require an On Call Doctor - With moles and freckles we are always told to be highly vigilant for any changes that may occur over time, maybe these guys are just using me as a "Mole Check", if they send it out often enough I will get to know it and be diligent enough to advise them if I think there is something wrong with their junk. I will be honest, I have thought it before but it was an awkward conversation to have so I just left it, surely the burning sensation that he should have had would have been alert enough to go and get it checked out. 

They don't actually want to get laid - I was talking to a young lad the other day and he mentioned that he has been doing so much better on Tinder since he has stopped sending Dick Pics, and this information shocked none of us that were in his company. When you go to the Royal Show and get a lucky dip, you don't open every packet before you decide do you? Seeing someones genitals really should be a lucky dip option. I like a bit of a surprise. If you send me your dick and it is unsatisfactory, I am probably going to like you less as a person. Yes I am aware that this makes me a bad person, but I am nothing if not honest. If you lead in with a cock shot, it doest give me the opportunity to learn about you as a human and I am sure some part of me actually does care about things like that. 

They want an Ego Booster - If I had a doodle, I am being realistic in knowing that I would probably send it to everyone and flop it out at every occasion, that's just the kind of person that I am. I can imagine that it would be some what of an Ego Boost, because most people are polite and wont tell you that your love meat looks like a shrivelled Kiwi Fruit. Send Dick Shot, Instant Gratification in the form of compliments, the world is at peace again. I know that even now I do that, I *think* that I have a pretty mad rack so sometimes when I am feeling a bit down I send them out in to the world to boost my self esteem. it really is the same. No one is going to tell me that my boobs actually look like two balloons filled with pudding, and I really appreciate them for that. 

They Actually Like me but are too scared to say - remember when you were young and you used to throw rocks or pull the hair of the girl that you liked? Could Dick Pics be the modern day child hood sign of affection?

They want the Surprise Element - I don't know if its just me but sometimes I look at people and wonder what kind of instrument that they are packing. Through conversations or comments a picture starts to form in your head and then when the goods are actually in your face, they are not at all what you expected. This happened to me yesterday. This tiny guy had a monster cock and it knocked me for a six. Like in physics terms, how can one even carry something of that magnitude? A friend of mine had the theory that the reason these guys are so slender is because all the nutrients they need to feed their bodies are actually going to feed their massive monster dongs.... and I think she might actually be on to something.

They want to change careers and become an Internet sensation - If you have a doodle, you could post your doodle on the Internet and then everyone could see it. But you could be shy, so if you sent your doodle to someone else then they could post it for you. I have seen a couple that are worthy of posting, the world needs to know about how beautiful they are. I should start a web site to be used specifically for the showing of pretty Peni. I would totally look at a web site that was displaying that kind of content.  

For the Lols - this is actually a valid reason. Hey Look a Doodle. LOL.  See How that works. 

Well what ever the reason, YOLO I say, if you want to get your dick out, get your dick out, if you randomly want to send your dick to people, I say more power too you. But just a helpful little hint reminder, remember not everyone is as open and accepting of the doodle as I am so results may vary.  And also, don't be that guy, if you want to send yours that's great but it doesn't mean that she has to send anything back, girls are cunning Minxes like that. Just like Jesus

Love and Snatchchats 

Miss K

N.B I feel that I possibly did bring this on myself, while scrolling through my "On This Day" feature on Facebook I came across a post that said "tis the seasons to get your knob out" which I originally posted in 2009. I had a giggle and couldn't really remember what it had been in relation to so reposted it for the Lols. You know that thing where they say that the things you put out into the Universe become reality... well they don't lie when they say that. True story kids

What? Those arent the words

I don't think that I am alone in sometimes mishearing the lyrics of songs, sometimes this mishearing can be confusing or hilarious or just down right scary. Here are some of mine...

The song:  Cheap Wine - Cold Chisel

What the words are: Cheap Wine and a Three Day Growth

What I actually hear: Cheap wine and a three legged goat

This one isn't actually mine, it was from a guy I used to work with, but in my opinion its better that the original. I am all about being an advocate for the handicapable. 

The song: Genocide - The Offspring

What the words are: Dog Eat Dog, Every day

What I actually hear: Donkey Kong Every Day

I always used to wonder what Donkey Kong had to do with Genocide, I know that sometimes I get angry when I am playing Donkey Kong Country but its no need to go all Hitler on the world... 

The song: Cotton Eyed Joe - Rednex

What the words are: Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from Cotton Eyed Joe

What I actually hear:  Where did you come from, where did you go? Where did you come from Corn Jack Joe

Corn Jacks are delicious, actually just corn in general is delicious. Cotton Mouth is not, I do not want Jack and is Cotton any where near my mouth. You can just go Joe.

The Song: Rock the Casbah - The Clash 

What the words are: Rock the Casbah, Rock the Casbah

What I actually hear: Pop The Tadpole, Pop the Tadpole

I think this stemmed from not knowing what a Casbah is and if I am honest, I still don't actually know what it is so lets go with popping baby frogs. Its like the bubble wrap of nature

The Song: Benny and The Jet - Elton John

What the words are: Shes got Electric Boots, a Mohair Suit

What I actually hear: With Electric Boobs and mohair shoes

I am thinking that the Fem Bots from Austin Powers drew their inspiration from this song, its a pretty direct link. In relation to the Mohair shoes, I have always asked myself whether is is better to have hairy feet or a hairy body? I will let you make the decision on that one for yourself as its all about personal preference

The Song: Billie Jean - Michael Jackson

What the words are: Billie Jean is not my lover

What I actually hear: Fettuccine, is not my lover 

I've never met a Fettuccine that I didn't like, so really I guess you could say that Fettuccine is my lover and when I eat it, it is just a girl I used to know. Make sense now?

The Song:  Zombie - The Cranberries

What the words are: Zombie, Zombie, Zombie - e - e - e

What I actually hear: Some Bear, Some Bear, Some Bear e - e - e 

Is it Yogi Bear? What would happen if Yogi Bear was a Zombie? we would be in a world of Evil Ala Resident Evil. Really there is only one thing worse than Zombies and that is Zombie Bears. And here is another little off topic fact, Bears can smell when a women is menstruating.... true story.

The Song: Talking about a Revolution - Tracey Chapman

What the words are: Sitting around, waiting for a promotion

What I actually hear: Cinderella, waiting for a promotion

 Do you know what, I actually think that my wording is much better than the original, because old mate Cinders was waiting for the Prince to come and get her out of her hovel and isn't that what a promotion is all about? Honestly kids, think about.

The Song: Silent Night - The Christmas Carol

What the words are: Round Young Virgin, Mother and Child

What I actually hear: Ram Jam Virgin, Mother and Child 

I literally only just worked this one out, I was walking down to the IGA to get some ice cream and could hear the Christmas carols from the oval down the road...  Round Young is much nice than the thought of a Virgin getting the arse smashed out of her. No body wants that their first time... and like Ram Jam? There should have been no ramming or jamming as Mamma Mary was "pure" after all

All I can say is thank God for Google, it has opened my eyes to the world of correctness that I didn't even realise I was missing. Do you remember what we had to do in the days before google? having to go through the leaflet of the CDs and look at the tiny writing could be tiresome and as my days are going on, my eye site isn't as good as it was. Maybe I should possibly get my ears tested as well why we are on the topic....

Love and Lyrics 

Miss K