More Cushion for the Pushing?

I was tagged in one of those on line articles the other day about reasons why large men are the best lovers, from this tag it would appear that everyone knows that I am some what of a chubby chaser (of the tall kind). I like my men, tall, solid and with a bit of a belly and I am not at all ashamed, because you know what they say, there is more to love and I have a lot of love to give. So here are my reasons as to why I like me a man with a bit of meat. 

1. They Like to Eat -  you don't get to be a man mountain without liking your food and it just so happens that I might be a feeder. My last boyfriend put on 5kg within 3 months, apparently it was happy fat but I am taking it as a compliment to my cooking.

2. Their belly can fit perfectly into the curve of your back - we can be like human tessellations or a jig saw that's all about the jig. Spooning is awesome when its all skin on skin on skin. 

3. It will never matter if you forget your PJ's, his shirts will be big enough to wear as a dress and your modesty can stay in check. Are you cold? His Hoodies will keep you more snug than anything you own. Guaranteed. 

4. Being the big spoon with them is comfortable - no jutting hip bones or ribs to deal with. Also you arm is generally in a comfortable position because it doesn't have to fold in on itself to get a good grip on them. 

5, They are a good pillow - as for the same reason above, everything about being snuggled up with them is a delight. Just soft and warm and home, your neck wont even get sore when you use his arm for a rest while he is being the big spoon.His arm will still probably fall asleep but meh that's his deal. 

6. Their Cuddles - Wow. When they cuddle, they cuddle. You get drawn in to them and are enveloped in everything that they are.

7. If you were stuck on a deserted island they would survive a long time - they have the fat to spare for a few days of hunger. Or alternatively they would get killed first because they have the most meat. I guess this one could go either way 

8.  You will always feel little - I am not the smallest girl in the world but these guys make me feel like a tiny fragile flower that they can hold in their hands and that is an amazing feeling

9. They fill out clothes - and that's sexy. When they are dressed well, boy are they dressed well. Mmmm that chest and those shoulders in a suit. Break me off a piece of that. 

10. Did I mention the cuddles? - I don't even like cuddling but I make an exception for these guys. 

11. They are a man mountain - and trust me ladies, that's one mountain that you want to climb. They will leave you breathless like the peak of Everest

12. The have substance - you wont feel like you are fucking a dildo strapped to a bit of cardboard because we all know that's what fucking a skinny guy feels like. No thanks.  

13. No one will mess with you - you have your own security guard on your arm. That's the best kind of arm candy that you could ever have 

14. High Heels - fuck yeah. Wear them with pride my sisters and still feel tiny next to your man. Or without them stand all up on your tippy toes to have a bit of a smoochy smooch. 

15. They have Squishy Insides - Maybe its just the ones that I have met but these big guys are actually just giant teddy bears and that's actually really nice. Not that they would tell anyone but we all know that its in there. 

That there is 15 reasons why you might what to consider that big guy as a suitable partner. Sure 6 packs are great but have you tried some cake?

Love and Substance 

Miss K 

P.S Here is the original post in case you were wondering. Though I am a bit biased but I do believe that my list is better  

Oh, so you've made a baby?

I have just rolled in to the age where everyone is starting to spawn offspring. My news feed is full of babies and soon to be babies and look what my baby did. This is awesome, I am really happy for all my friends that they are getting these precious gifts in their lives. While I admit that to a  bystander sometimes it may not come across that way, anyone that actually knows me well knows that I am supportive. A close friend announced to me last week that she was with child and in my dealings with her since then I have realised that pregnancy is hilarious and there are some things that maybe shouldn’t be said to someone that is expecting. And you bet your bottom dollar that I have probably said all of them. Let me be a lesson to you, maybe don't say these things

"Ummm Congratulations?" - I know I am well within the age of voluntary conception but in my mind we still aren't really grown ups and are just playing pretend. If you aren't married I'm probably going to be confused if being pregnant is a good thing or a bad thing. I know that is a very old fashioned view but hey maybe I am an old fashioned girl. Congratulations is a good thing to say, but when you put the "ummm" in front of it, it kinda makes you look like an arsehole. 

"Pregnant People Freak me out!" - while this one is 100% truthful its probably not considered polite to tell people that they freak you out because they are now pregnant. They might get offended. Essentially they are the same person, now they just come with a plus one. Maybe I should start thinking of the baby like that friends boyfriend that I don't actually like, just pretend he isn't there and go about my business. Yeah that could work. My hair dresser is pregnant and when she was cutting my hair the other day it was touching me and it was kind of freaking me out, but rule number 1 of haircuts is you have to sit still so even though it was scary I just sat through it like a trooper 

"If your baby is ugly, do you want me to tell you?" - When I asked this question the answer was a big resounding NO. She has decided that she would like to live her life under the delusion that her kid is good looking. And to her I am sure that it will be. While chatting to a friend about this the other day I was told how to get around it, if the kid is an ugo, comment on its outfit. Simple. 

"They are going to put their hand up there, its kinda like you are getting fisted" - I did really well in upper school health, like I got an award and stuff and in these classes we learnt about birthing babies (maybe because I went to a school in a lower socioeconomic area they thought it was going to be our destiny sooner rather than later). To check if the baby is ready to come out they put their hands up there, probably more hand than you have ever had before. Apparently by this time you don't really care and you just want it all to be over. So whoooo high five for fisting 

"You have something growing in you" - Even writing this one I shudder, there is something growing inside you. A PERSON IS GROWING INSIDE YOUR BELLY!!!!!!!!!!!! clearly the thought of this terrifies me and if it doesn't terrify you I think you might be choosing to ignore the simple facts. Maybe me saying it gives them a chance to really think about it and be adequately as freaked out as I am. 

"You are probably going to poop" -  This is only a recent thing that I have learnt about but during the act of labouring you may be pushing so hard that you do a poop. I don't blame you I guess. You are trying to shove a watermelon out a lemon and there is bound to be some pressure. Its ok if you do though, they don't make a big deal of it, they just rush in and whisk away the little poop baby and dispose of it and you are none the wiser. I wonder how they go about doing the wiping though? 

"Oh I will eat that for you" - Cause you know like pregnant people aren't actually able to eat anything, cheese, meat, ice cream, anything fun. I don't want you to miss out in your current state so I will eat it and then tell you in blow by blow detail about how amazing what I am consuming is. I am just that kind of friend. You will thank me later. 

"You better not give your kid a retarded name" - Thankfully above friend has a  name that isn't pick off the shelf so she is probably less likely to saddle her child with an anchor of a name. When I did make this comment to her, her response was "thanks for doubting me bitch". But that's just me, keeping it real yo! I know you want your special little angel to stand out but buy them some cool sneakers, or make them constantly wear skivvies so the kids tease them. Don't enslave them to a life of never having a hair brush with their name on it or having to spell their name to EVERYONE that they meet. Don't be that guy. 

Despite all of this I am actually so excited for my friend and I am excited to be part of the little pretzels life when it finally busts its way out of its mummies tummy alien spec. I have already decided what kind of kicks I am going to get her (I have also decided that its a her) and I am going to be the coolest Auntie that ever was. I will it teach her all the swearing and the way to ensnare men and have the confidence of an Amazonian goddess (though chances are she is going to be vertically challenged and not Amazonian at all). I am sure one day I will embrace everything that the pregnant life brings but until then, expect me to put my foot in my mouth (my non swollen water retented feet that is, cause you probably have those too).

Love and Labouring 

Miss K 

I love you .... ummm...

There is bound to be that awkward moment in every relationship when those three little devil words that in site fear in the masses are going to come out. You know the words I am talking about and I am sure you have been on the end of the "holy fuck what do I say next" band wagon. With everything in life there is a right and a wrong reaction. Here is how you could possibly respond to "I love you..."

You could say - Nothing - you can just pretend that they didn't say it. Maybe you are very tired and you can pretend that you are asleep or maybe you can just talk really quickly to cover up any further words that they might want to say.

You could say -  Thanks - at least their mothers taught them manners. That's something right?

You could say -  I know - I know??? like what even is that? Is that a good thing or a bad thing or.... who knows.

You could say -  No you don't! - because I know your thoughts better than you do and clearly how could you love someone like me? You crazy kid

You could say - Shut Up -  Simple. Shhh, shush your mouth child. I don't want to hear what you have to say. Shut up could be good, shut up could be shock, shut up could be bad, Probably I am going to go with bad, 

You could say - That's Weird - I don't even know what to say about this one. Is weird good? Is Weird Bad? or is weird just weird?

You could say -  I love you too - This is obviously the one you want to hear, the pinnacle of all I love you experiences. The person you love, loves you. How much better can it get than that?   

So for you, I wish that all your I love yous are returned. Its not a terrible word, yeah its scary to be the first one to say it, but remember my young grass hoppers, with great risk comes great reward.

Love and ummms 

Miss K 

P.S I would like to give a shout out to everyone who gave me input in their I love you experiences so I could put together this post. Only two of the above were mine as the L bomb has only been dropped three times of note in my life. Twice with me being the Bomber and once with me being target so I don't really have much experience. At least I have never been told to shut up so I still thinking that I am winning.

So you cant get it up?

So Erections hey? I have seen a handful in my time so it probably seems only fair that I have seen a few not so erections as well. Here is a post dedicated to that. Is it a big deal? will we survive? How do we deal with it? Is it more common that we realise? I guess there is the right way and the wrong way and this comes down to the situation and how you feel about the person that you were preparing to bump uglies with

Don’t make a big deal of it – he is beating himself up as it is. It’s a guys one thing that they can do that we cant and by them not doing it they feel that they have let the women down. Guys here is a news flash, girls don’t actually feel that way. Most of the time we are just happy to have you around. A cuddle of my body generally means more to me than my vagina cuddling your penis (and this is coming from someone that doesn’t like to cuddle). Sex is not the be all and end all, I regularly go months and months without it and it hasn't killed me. There are also other things that can be done instead of it, foreplay was invented for a reason.... use that instead. The last time it happened, it was with a guy I really liked and he was beating himself up about it but then he gave me the best orgasm that I have had in ever so really he was doing better than 99% of the population of men who have explored my inner depths. I thought that would have been enough for him but it turns out that it probably wasn't.

Ridicule Him - Drive that knife in, he was probably only meant to be a one night stand and if he cant stand then really you have wasted your time, your body grooming and probably a good make up day on him. This option should only be used in extreme circumstances though because its not at all nice and there will probably be causalities of war.... there was actually one time when I wasn't complimentary to a man who was unable to perform and it came back to bite me. He couldn't get it up, I was OK when it was going on but in the morning when he asked for my phone number as I was leaving I said "nah you're right mate" fist bumped him and walked out the door chuckling at his inability to be a man. It was only when I got home did I realise that I had actually lost a $600 diamond earring in his bed. If I hadn't have been an arsehole about his erectile problems I probably could have got that earring back, Proceed with caution on this one my children.

Pretend it didn't happen - "oh, you were trying to fit your penis into my vagina? I didn't notice. I'm not really interested anyway so I am fine with just kissing". If you deal with a failed erection the same way that you would deal with someone that has a boogie hanging out their nose and you are too embarrassed to tell them you will be fine. Maybe its like the ostrich approach. If you cant see it then it doesn't exist. This is what do overs are for, sure you couldn't do it the first time but I WILL give you another chance to prove yourself if I like you enough (and If I am letting you near my Vagina I probably do, gone are the days of my loose moraled exploits)

Do the work around - try everything in your power to change the situation. Find out what he likes and do those things for him, finger his arse hole, heck finger your own arse hole if he is worth it, give him a blow job... anything. It might just be the experiences that I have been through but most of the guys have still been able to come from a blow job, its just been the actual getting it ready for sex thing that has been the problem. Its pretty common to please a guy and have yourself not pleased so whats the difference really? Maybe if you exult him he will feel happier in himself and the next time around he wont have the same issue (unless you were a guy that I dated, we dated for 6 months and never had sex because he just couldn't get it up. At all. Ever. He has since made a baby thought so I guess he figured it out in the end)

I have learnt a valuable lesson through the research of this topic and it is this, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT go out drinking with smart people when you are feeling fragile in the your ability to please a man. I work with this guy who is exceptionally smart, we are talking rain man smart (he makes the notes and all) and on regaling him with my tails of woe he pulled out a calculator (on his phone yo, he may be a nerd but he isn’t pocket calculator nerd) and he did some maths for me. Apparently it is 29.3% my fault that these guys couldn’t get it up. That’s nearly 30% which is nearly 1/3!!!!!!!!!  I am too scared to ask how the maths actually worked but it went something along the lines of 1 one girl, 12 months, 5 guys, 3 failed erections and some magic fairy dust later and you come up with the magic number of 29.3%

I will leave you with this thought though, every girl that I have spoken to about it has said that it has nothing to do with me and it all comes down to the guy and that it has never happened to them. I ask you then for a moment of rational thinking… if it has never happened to them and it has happened to me with three guys in a row in the last three encounters (and a few more guys in the past just for good measure) how is it not my fault? I am now just going to sit here in my shattered confidence and self pity at my inability to please a man. If anyone wants me there is probably very little I can do for you... in that way anyway so you best keep moving.

Love and Limpness

Miss K 

Things not to say to a single person....

I am a serial single person, you know how there are serial monogamists? People that just jump from one relation to another? yeah well that's not me, in fact I am 100% opposite of that and I cant seem to get a relationship to save myself. If the fate of the world depended on me finding a mate, I am sorry world, I have now condemned you to death. My Bad. But like, being single isn't all that bad, it really has its merits. You never have yo wait to use the bathroom, you don't have to share a bed and you will have no one trying to steal your bacon at breakfast. If other single people are like me, they will know that they are single and as much as your comments are trying to help them, there are some things that we as single people (or me as a single person) are a bit fed up of hearing... so here they are

It will show up when you least expect it - Ok, well I stopped expecting it about the age of 13 when I realised that I was a bit different from the rest of the world. That was like 19 years ago, how much more least expecting could I get? This comes along the same thread as, it will be in the last place that you look. Well derp, once I have found it I am going to stop looking aren't I?

 You are so awesome, how are you single? - If I knew the answer to this question don't you think I would have done something about fixing it by now? I guess now is the time to tell you that my vagina actually has teeth, big sharp bitey ones and that's why guys never come back. But a relationship should be more than sex shouldn't it? I give mad gobbies (or so I thought but recent evidence may in fact be dispelling this rumour), and at least I can control the teeth in my mouth.

You've got plenty of time - this one has replaced "aren't you worried about having kids?" because now that my biological clock is ticking that one doesn't have so much relevance and instead they are trying to reassure me that its ok that I am single and I have many reproductive years ahead of me. Ha ha ha (insert maniacal laughter). I am 32 with one lazy ovary and one ovary that decides it wants to explode on every second cycle. I am your reproductive dream right here. Come and get em boys. I never wanted kids and I always said that from a young age but maybe I have started to change my mind and that ticking time that is my womb scares me now. 

I wish I were single - yeah really? I call bullshit. Unlike me you are not strong enough to deal with the constant struggle that is the single life. That going out and trying to talk to random people and all the pitying looks you get from your coupled friends. Its awesome. Couldn't sell it harder than that.

You are too picky - I have been lucky (or unlucky) enough to have felt real true love twice in my life. That all consuming you are my everything love and it happened the minute I first saw the person so why should I settle for anything less than that. Do you want me to have ugly short children? Sounds like you do by wishing me upon the first guy that I come across. I give guys a chance but I am also a slight believer in love at first sight.

Your time will come - thank you for your belief, may you please also read the rest of my future while you are at it. Specifically if I will ever manage to get a pair of Jordan 4s because I am so sick of lining up for that shit and always missing out. 

Guys are stupid - I would tend to agree with you sometimes but they are still pretty awesome as well. We always go back to them even though they infuriate us and they suck us in with the nice moments and forehead kisses. We will put up with their stupid antics all for the possibility of those things. They are stupid when they are ignoring us and not doing what we want but the minute the tables have turned and they give us even an inkling of attention they are the best thing since sliced bread (the warm kind straight from the bread maker) and our friends who were previously doubters are now planning our fairytale wedding. That one over there she is even taking a makeup course so she can do my wedding make up. 

So are you seeing anyone? - I understand that you want to take an interest and that's really nice but how about we just hold off and I will tell you when I have someone to tell you about. I am the queen of false starts, I get excited about a guy and have a great feeling about the future of things and then he forgets what my name is or that he even met me. I have a feeling that I jinx things with my excitement. I might need to wait until he likes it and puts a ring on it before telling people about my next fella. there are only so many weddings my friends can plan in their heads (as per the above comment).

He doesn't deserve you? - this normally comes after I have gotten to the bottom of the explanation of "are you seeing someone?' and then as all loving friends would do my friends point out why it isn't me, but in fact them and that I am too good for him. Did you realise that I am that good that I am actually too good for anyone? 

Don't Give Up - ha ha. yep ha ha. I am not planning on doing that any time soon but it is also ok to need to take a bit of a time out every now and again. This dating shit is exhausting and expensive. Keeping up appearances and shaving my legs "just in case". Golly. Tiring. 

You can get cats - Actually no you can keep saying this one, if you have cats that I am able to practice on, I am open to that as well because I actually really love cats. I have just made friends with the cat that lives downstairs. His name is Cashew and his owners name is Angus. I thought Angus was gay but he has a girlfriend and now he has a bright blue beard and its kind of weird even but Brunswick Spec.... but I digress. Yes I want Cats and Yes I will get cats. I am sure that cats and cocks can coexist  though so one doesn't need to cancel out the other. Who would like a guy that doesn't like animals anyway?

As you can see in most of these statements the onus is always put back on the male and they allude to the fact that the existence of my singledom rests squarely in their hands. Did we ever stop to think for even just one minute that I could be in fact the worlds biggest cunt whom the entire male population is scared of? I know that most days I wake up and think this exact thought. This is actually not being hard on myself (yes Jess I am really trying to be less hard on me I promise) but its trying to think outside the box. 

Lets not get this misconstrued as me not getting attention because that's not what it is, I get attention, a lot of attention from lots of different guys but I never get attention from the ones that I want, Does this mean that I am picky and have standards that are to high? there is certainly a possibility of that  and this is because I want everything and I am not willing to settle for just a something. Alas if this means that I am to be forever alone then so be it. My company isn't so bad after all. And really are guys that great anyway? I spend my time chasing them only to be disappointed, maybe cutting myself off from the world to avoid the disappointment isn't the worst decision I could make in my life? Unicorns aren't always what they are cracked up to be.... it turns out that they may just all be about the horn.  

Thanks for your pep talks peeps and I do appreciate what you are trying to do but maybe its time that we start calling a spade a spade. Just a thought.....

Love and Singleness 

Miss K

P.S It actually just hit me the comedy in the names that we have given to genitals. A girl has a pussy and a guy has a cock. And what do cats do to birds?  no wonder guys are scared of me, they are scared they are going to get eaten alive and left on their owners door steps. Fair bump play on lads.