Tuesday, 10 February 2015

Tall Girl Problems

Dear Fashion,
You are an arsehole.
Sincerely Tall Girls of the World

Unless you are a tall girl you are not going to understand the significance of the above letter to the fashion industry. Everyone always comments that it must be great to be tall but let me give you the inside 4-1-1, life at these lofty heights are not all that its cracked up to be. My dad was tall, standing at a little over 6 foot 3 inches. My mum is tall, standing somewhere in the vicinity of 5 foot 9 inches. So it pretty much goes without saying that I was going to be tall as well, At just a touch under 5 foot 10 inches of awesome, I stand above most women... and sadly a whole heap of men as well. Welcome to the world of being tall

You know that really cute play suit that you saw in the window and that everyone is wearing this season? Well you can forget right about that unless you want the world to see your vagina. You have too much body and there just isn't enough material to span the distance. Shorts and a cute top is going to have to do you.

That tall guy that you have your eye on has probably already been taken by that tiny bitch that stands 5 foot tall while on a box. It appears that people don't "Shop" within their own ranks and are taking things from the top shelf when they should really just reach for products with in their own eye level.It didn't appear to be a problem for me when I was in Perth and tall men where in abundance, but here in Melbourne where there is less sunlight it doesn't appear that the men remembered to grow.

And while we are talking about taking things off shelves, as a taller person, people will use you. Yes I will get that can off the top shelf for you, anything to make you take your tiny little hands off me. See they think its ok to ask me to get them things but would it be ok for me to ask them to get that tinned good that is sitting on the bottom shelves? I think not

High Heels are a mine field, I personally love them but apparently when I wear them people think I am intimidating. Its not nice to look down on people but standing at over 6'2 in my favourite heels I don't have much of a choice. Also something to think about is photos with friends, I hope you have been practicing your squats because if you don't, only your boobs will be in the photo. I have also realised that not everyone likes having boobs in their face, as great as my boobs are.

People will get upset if you pat them on the head, but wanting to do it isn't actually your fault. Its a well known fact that small things are generally cuter (think puppies and kittens) and when things are cute you want to pat them. I learnt that lesson the hard way. I would like to make a formal apology to that short caramel coloured guy who worked at Waves in Belmont Forum who I patted at the Lookout circa 2001/2002. My sister still laughs about it.

Stay Up stockings are sexy AND a necessity, I think I have written about it before but unless you wear knickers on the outside of your stockings as well as the inside, that shit ain't going to stay up and let me tell you, having a stocking crotch around your knees isn't going to turn anyone on. You have two options 1. footless tights OR 2. stay ups.

Ankle Hugger jeans are in fashion this season and this may be the one and only thing that fashion has given us a break on. Its difficult to find jeans that reach all the way to the ground. Don't even get me started on dresses and skirts. Despite how the fashion industry make clothes, I am nearly 100% sure that the world does not want to see my Vagina.

Remember the movie Elf, where Will Farrel tries to sleep in that little bed in the elf village? (or there is a high chance that never happened and I made that up), well that's what its like for me if I sleep in anything smaller than a queen. Its rather unfortunate for me that when I first moved to Melbourne I lived in a room as tight of a squeeze as a Nuns... umm, so I only had the option of a Double bed. Lucky I am all about forever single and can star fish the shit out of my mattress. I may be unloved but I certainly don't want my mattress to feel that way so I lay all over it.

You are a beacon in the crowd... and try being a beacon with flaming red hair. You will be targeted as the "gap" to get through in a crowd. You may think that this is preposterous but I find it hard to believe that I am ALWAYS standing in the walkway. ALWAYS.

Transportation is problematic, its not just midgets that need to get places and I think the people that design seating on all modes of public transports forget this. Have you ever been on a Bus or a Budget airline and had your knees shoved into the back of the seat in front of your and if that passenger moves their seat your legs instantly go up into your ears? The struggle is real people, oh it is real.

Have you heard that saying, the bigger they are the further they fall? Well think about leg day and using the toilet. There is no lowering, there is just aim and fall and hope for the best. If I was smaller in stature the fall wouldn't be so far

So if you are short and think life is greener in the larger paddock... let me tell you, its not all sunshine and roses up here. You enjoy your tall men and your high heels, but watch it, I might have to pat you just to keep you in your place.

Love and Length

Miss K

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