There is an older lady at my work called Lorraine and she is one of those lovely older ladies that is class personified. She is always dressed and groomed well and she always makes me wonder what kind of older lady I am going to be. With every sunrise I wake up a day older than the day before so its worth considering. I am in two minds about getting older, it can have its goods and it can have its bads and now that I am at the age of cheaper insurance everything from here may well be down hill.
So this is why I am scared to get old
The Mum Bum - I am rather attached to my rump. It looks super cute in little lace panties and equally good in some tight denim jeans, it would go without saying then that I am a bit worried about getting the dreaded mum bum. You know what I am talking about, its like the buggalugs bum thief attacks all women over 50. Their neck, their back, their bootie and their crack all mould in to one with no discernible difference. I doubt I will ever be rich enough for plastic surgery and butt implants so I guess I am going to have to stick to the conventional way of dropping it like its squat.
Ugly Shoes - if you know me, you know that I have a fine sense in foot ware fashions and ugly shoes may be the biggest insult to humanity since forever. At what age does function top form and when does the switch flick in your head to make you think that ugly is good looking? In my head I want to be rocking designer high heels and Jordan's into my ancients and fuck the consequences.
Slacks and Blouses - While I love the word slacks I don't know that I would love wearing them with my ugly shoes. Imagine them in those boring pastel colours with their elasticised waist bands and overly ample back sections that cant be filled due to Mum Bum syndrome. And while we are imagining it pair it was a nice floral blouse in dull colours and a cardigan to shove your tissues into. The thought of this makes me shudder. I would happily for ever sit in my current outfit (and by outfit I mean nothing more than a pair of jocks and a singlet) that succumb to a pastel brown life. I will admit though to wearing high waisted knickers because those things are bloody comfortable (and in fashion and sexy) but I think that's going to be as far as I want to go in the old lady clothes stakes.
Paper Thin Skin - Old people are made of paper and that's why they break so easily. I cant really think of any other reason for it. I am scared of having skin so thin that if a sharp object even glances around the corner at it, it ends in a blood bath. Why doesn't derma keep dermaring itself? Will the oil of olay that I am using now protect me from paper skin in the future? Should I start collecting all of my shedding skin to make myself a second skin suit for when I am older and my skin starts to fail? I hope that's not the best course of action because I live in a tiny apartment and I don't have room for a second skin.
But I think that getting older could have its good points as well
Not Giving a Shit - If anyone has had the pleasure of meeting my Nan you would know she lives by this mantra. She just doesn't give a shit what anyone thinks, she says what you she wants, she does what she wants and bugger the consequences. The freeness that this would entail is going to be amazing
Being that old Creep in the Nursing Home - I have come to realise that I am probably going to be forever alone so this puts me in a good position for the future retirement village days. I will probably be a predator for all the old widowed men that would like to take me salsa dancing and to the opera as a means of company. I might be a cunt now, but guys in their twilight years are probably going to be desperate enough to be interested.
Retirement - Sleeping in, having naps, going travelling on cruise ships. Yeah think about that, fuck you and your work, I am going to travel the world in style mother fuckers. Obviously in my head I have thought that my super is going to perform well or I am going to win lotto so I can live the life of leisure. (did you know that someone of my age will lose all of their super twice over due to collapses before they retire. True Story).
Baking - I think baking and getting old go hand in hand. Maybe you learn how to be a domestic goddess as you have an abundance of time on your hands because there is really nothing else for old people to do. Just think about how delicious old age could turn out to be. I will instantly be good at baking all the tasty treats that now I can only dream about. Its gonna kinda will be like "My meat loaf brings all the boys to the yard... etc etc". I think this goes for old lady crafts like gardening, crotchet and knitting as well. With age comes wisdom (and craftiness)
Hair styles - I tend to frequent the same hair salons as the old ladies because I am after good old fashioned service with a smile and not the hyped up latest and greatest , so it goes without saying that in these salons there is a large selection of older ladies that go every week to get their hair did. A wash and set on a Saturday will get you through the week. How amazing would that be, having to only wash your hair once a week and even then someone else does it for you. This sounds like my dream come true. Also Blue Rinse, fuck yeah!!! I am all over that shit like a fat kid in a candy shop.
So there it is, an off the top of my head, a good and bad to getting old. Check back in three months, by then I will be 32 and well on the downwards slippery slope and should have a clearer idea of the direction that my old age is going to go.
Love and Dinosaurs