Technology Fails V2

After my post the other day pointing the finger at the failings of a young man and his use of technology its probably only fair to let you be privy to some of the times that technology has let me down. Yes you read that right, Technology let me down, not me letting myself down. I thought the aim of technology was to make our lives easier but sometimes it just makes thing a bit tricky and makes for those awkward moments of what the fuck from the receiver of your indiscretion. Lets never mention these again and hope that you learn from my mistakes, the top winners from each category are *drummmmm rollllllllll*

Emailing

I had a boss once, she was a nice lady and I some what respected her but she was high maintenance, there is no two ways about it. We entered into a discussion one day about getting married and what we would like/expect from our partners. Her expectations were on the high side and she had a big list of demands "or else", I suppose this is all well and good as your partner should know that you are a bit of a princess to start with. Myself and my work mate were having a private little laugh about the demands on our Princess Boss and I went to email her something along those lines. Its a funny thing when you are thinking about someone and you automatically type in their name, so instead of typing in my colleagues name I typed in my bosses and sent her an email telling her that she was a demanding princess.... yeah whoops. I didn't work there for much longer after that but the two things probably aren't related. 

Snap Chatting

I was having a conversation with a friend recently and he was encouraging me to masturbate and when I told him that I had given up his response was "Perth Kerry would have done it, you're turning into Hipster Kerry and i don't like it". I decided that I would "fap" as he so eloquently put it and show him the spoils of war if you will. Turns out I have a few of the same named person sitting quietly on my Snap Chat.... and boy did that person get a surprise. Really there is no way of talking yourself out of sending someone a picture of your "equipment" and you've just got to ride that one out and hope that in time it will be forgotten or that you never have to see them again. Awkward, now this person knows I am not pure and probably sometimes fap (I am cutting down though. I promise)

Text Messaging

I was once "seeing" (and by seeing I mean just having meaningless sex) a very strapping young lad with the physique of a Greek God and on requesting some photos to help me on my way (if you catch my drift) he was more than obliging to my wishes and sent me through an exceptionally delicious picture. Of course being the giver that I am I decided to share it with my best friend so she could see the trophy that I bagged for myself. The message was something along the lines of "Look at him, oh the things I am going do to him" but probably a whole heap more explicit than that. As you can guess instead of sending it to her I accidentally sent it to him. He didn't skip a beat and messaged me back saying "ahh was that meant for me?" after many a fuck escaping from my mouth I was quick on my feet and told him that it was and I was just giving him forewarning as to what fate would assail him on our next meeting. It obviously worked, we totally hooked up again.... bullet dodged? 

I feel that it would be beneficial if all methods of technology had that recall button that Outlook has, it would probably save us all a bit of embarrassment. Actually I should probably say that it would save me a bit of embarrassment as I appear to do retarded things more than the average bear. So my advice is check, then check again and possibly check again for third time lucky as it will probably save you having to think on your feet and make up some lies. Or failing that invest in those memory erasers like they have in Men in Black, one of those things would make my life a whole heap easier.  

Love and Whoopsies

Miss K  

A Cautionary Tale of Technology

In these days of superior technology and having the world at our finger tips it has never been easier to let the world (or that certain person) know that you are thinking about them. But with great power, comes great responsibility and also the opportunity for great embarrassment. Let me tell you a cautionary tale of how technology backfired in the face of a young man called Steve.  

Once upon a time there was a young man named Steve. Steve was tall and bearded with a thick head of hair and a pension for kebabs. On a cool winters evening Steve stood out the front of a kebab store on King Street at 3am contemplating his life when out of no where a bleary eyed Miss K stumbled upon him. She fixed her eyes first on his beard and as her gaze travelled down his body she spied the piece de resistance, a lamb kebab that was glittering in oil and dripping with garlic sauce. Not being one to beat around the bush Miss K approached the bearded Steve and dazzled him with the following line "I'm going to touch your beard and then I am going to eat your kebab and you aren't going to Stop Me". Bearded Steve was so taken a back by this forward speaking Miss K that he begged to go home with her. Sadly for Steve (and possibly lucky for Miss K), Miss K had to be up for work at 6am the next morning so politely refused his advances. As compensation she did how ever give him her phone number and they lived their respective lives happily ever after. 

If that was where the story ended this wouldn't be a very good cautionary tale and it would appear that young Steve threw caution to the wind when using the number that Miss K Gave him. These days with someone's phone number you can stalk them to the supreme, text messaging, calling and Snap Chatting and a bit of sneaky Facebooking as well if they have their number linked to their profile and he used all of these methods to his stalking advantage to try and turn me around or turn me on or all of the above. 

So where did he go wrong? I'm going to place the blame solely on Snap Chat. I've written about it before but sending pics of your mummy daddy region takes a lot of guts and confidence in what you've got going on and it would appear that poor Steve has some misguided confidence on this occasion. See he had talked the good talk up until the point and got me interested. He flashed around a few beard pictures and while I was imagining caressing his face beanie he sent me another snap of his emerging "hoodie". 

Technology has removed the mystery from sexual intercourse. I've said it before but I'll say it again. To me all men are like Ken dolls, just a bit of a plastic bulge inside a pair of plastic knicker and this image stays with me until the specimen is for better or worse presented in my face. Getting it Snap Chatted to you before hand is like having X-Ray vision when going to pick the lucky dip at the show. If you can see what you are going to get why would you pick the smallest thinnest toy?  

See back in my day, you would exchange a few raunchy texts, maybe some tiny pixalated photos of some indecipherable skin and claim it as your bits and then actually catch up with each other to see their "skin" in person. There was still a bit of mystery and romance. Sometimes, yeah, you didn't get exactly what you were expecting and it made you learn the valuable lesson that  you cant judge a book by its cover. Just because someone is 6'6 and a pro basketballer doesn't mean that they will have the equipment comparative to their size. 

Sex should be like a mixed lolly bag or a lucky dip, you shouldn't know what you are going to get until you've actually gotten it home and taken the wrapping off and if young Steve had have left it in the lolly wrapper his story may have been a bit different. I didn't like what I saw in lolly bag so chose not to purchase it, he totally cheated himself out of the chance to prove that looks can be deceiving.

So kids, take Steves story as a warning, unless you have yourself a Dirk Diggler keep your lolly wrapped and give that girl an opportunity to be disappointed in the flesh. Don't be scared of technology because technology isn't scared of you, use it to your advantage but maybe keep the snap chats to pictures of your food and your good hair days. 

Love and Dingle Dongles 

Miss K

And then we were making out....

I read and article the other day that said on average a women would kiss 15 guys people they find "The One" and it got me thinking, over the last decade or so the strangest things have happened to me and maybe I am now questioning if I some how missed my one. You see I have been going about my daily (or nightly) business and within a heart beat I am lip locked and sharing saliva with a perfect stranger. How does this happen? Most of the time I actually have no idea and in my head I always see these random make out sessions like that scene in 10 Things I Hate About You when the drunk girl says to Heath Ledger "KISSS ME!!" and he pushes her into the arms of another guy and says "Kiss him instead". Maybe my world is just full of people pushing guys into me saying Kiss Her. Here are some of my favourites... 

G: How old are you?

K: I'm 30

G: Shit, I wouldn't have thought you were that old. How do you keep looking so young?

K: I kiss younger guys to steal their youth

G: Cool

And then we were making out... On a tram travelling down Flinders Street

G: Hey

And then we were making out... in a dodgy bar called the Craic

K: What just happened here?

G: My Mate said you were a good kisser, I just wanted to see for myself

K: I'm going to touch your beard and then I am going to eat your kebab. And you aren't going to Stop Me

G: *Stunned Silence*

And then we were making out... out the front of a Kebab shop on King Street

K: Shit, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to run into you *registering where my hands are* You've got pretty solid abs

G: *lifting shirt* You can touch them if you want

And then we were making out...  Standing at the coat check desk in a Club named Sorry Grandma

K: Why do you look so sad, where are your friends?

G: Its my 18th Birthday and Ive lost them all.

And then we were making out... sitting on some steps out the front of the Paramount on James Street

K: I'm not going to Kiss You

G: *Smirk*

And then we were making out... in the back of a Taxi

G: So you're Kerry 

K: *silence*

And then we were making out... in front of a toilet block at a Japanese race track 

K: *touching hair*

G: *turns around*

And then we were making out... standing at a bar in Roppongi called Gas Panic waiting to order drinks 

K: I dont like Nicky Minaj 

G: This isn't Nicky Minaj

K: Yeah I know, I was just making conversation *walks off*

G: *finding K 10 minutes later* This is Nicky Minaj, you hate Nicky Minaj 

And then we were making out... on the dance floor of Young and Jackson listening to Nicky Minaj

Actually now when I write it down and see it in front of me I guess I can see a pattern, maybe I just need to stop talking to strangers, or maybe I need to stop being so god darn kissable, or maybe just maybe I can continue just the way I am so that I have interesting stories to share around the camp fire. As you can see, the amount of my random moments of making out nearly eclipse the suggest average of 15, so I have realised that averages are probably a load of whollop. Whoreish as it may be, kissing never hurt anyone. 

Love and Lip Locks

Miss K

P.S If you were to ask me how I would go about kissing a boy I actually liked I would tell you that it hardly ever happens and its more awkward than having someone walking in on you whilst you are using the toilet... If I know your name, it probably makes it difficult for me because I am going to have to see you again.