Saturday, 6 April 2013

Ways to make it awkward or not with an Ex

If you are anything like me (which for your sake I hope you are not) you will be unlucky in love an have a trail of exs littering the countryside. Well for me my trail isn't that long but, long enough and unlucky enough to mean that I shall have chance encounters with these people that are some what out of my control. Maybe its my weakness but seeing exs that I still have feelings for make me go a bit crazy in the head. On a recent trip back to the desert I knew that one such encounter was coming so I hashed out a fool proof plan to make it a manageable event. so here it is 

1. Don't look into his eyes, they are the pits of hell. Well maybe not that dramatic but its pretty easy to be sucked in by their beauty. For the sake of the world, LOOK AWAY GOD DAMN IT 

2. Don't touch his skin, this is where the magic hides and magic is not what you want 

3. Don't try to build a nest in his beard no matter how lovely and inviting it looks. Its a trap!!!

4. Make a good relationship with the bathroom, you may be spending a bit of time in there (no don't be silly, its not hiding. Its simply powdering your nose)

5. Find someone else to hook up with, a distraction will work wonders for your confidence 

6. Know where your exits are, if melt down occurs (as sometimes it does) you need to have a quick escape route so you can disappear into the night and go live under your bridge until your crazy has subsided

7, Get drunk enough that you cant feel your extremities, then if you do touch it wont matter because you wont be able to feel it (actually this one could be a double edged sword, you may loose control of your bodily functions and then number 5 will not be an attainable goal)

8. Pretend you have a nice bought of Amnesia or Alzheimers. "Kerry, who is Kerry? No I am sure I don't know you. Please leave my presence stranger. Constable Care warned me about talking to strangers". This should work a treat, everyone will be left confused and you can use escape plan 4, 6 or 7.

9. Turn into a blubbering mess, cry all over him until he feels so awkward that he leaves. Reset your tears, fix your make up and get back to enjoying your night 

10. Wear a disguise, if he doesn't recognise you, you really don't exist and you don't have to live in fear of him spotting you and things getting awkward. 

Or maybe you could just be an adult about it, say hello, make polite conversation covering safe topics (ie/ the weather or the local sporting club) and then say your goodbyes and move off in your respective directions. And if all else fails and you are thrown back into the throngs of passion (as sometimes happens) remember if its not on, its not on, swapping bodily fluid makes things just that little bit more personal. 

Love and Escape Plans 

Miss K

* The guy above is incredibly special to me so it made me sad that I had to think of these escape plans. Earlier this year I got upset, had a tantrum and ended up having to put my tail between my legs and apologise. I am not proud of what I did but I also know that I am only human. The heart is a pretty stupid thing and it turns even the most composed women into a raving looney. Sadly for me what the mind tries to forget the body remembers. 

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