What porn has Taught me... NSFW

Whilst running for my tram the other day I became concerned for a split second about how my hair was going to look, but it was only for a split second as I remembered that Porn is real and all the girl in porn movies have amazing hair despite their physical exertion, I was set and my beautifully manicured hair would turn up to work, still beautifully manicured. So here are a few other things that I have learnt about real life from porn.

Guys love it when you gag - I think they like the idea that their massive (or not so) weapon has the ability to choke bitches with one fowl thrust. So do the world a favour and do it like you mean it 

Make up is for the long term - honestly I need to find out what they use. They can have a face full of seamen and not have their mascara run. Fuck just the thought of sweat makes my make up run off into the sunset leaving me looking like a haggard drag queen

On my face, on my face - really this is the only place to deposit your baby juice. Its not demeaning at all and women love it. So much so that they will lick it up, ever single drop of it. 

Women are ALWAYS ready - I love the fact that the minute a guy touches a girl with his magic stick she starts screaming in pure Ecstasy. I might do that the next time I make intimacies, because if its in porn it must be real.

Every house keeper/nanny/teacher is horny and naughty - Pretty much they are gagging for it. You can use the fact that they have misbehaved about something to your advantage to talk them into having sex with you on the proviso that you will not dob on them. I think this is actually a pretty solid deal.

Shirts on, its on - Men should keep their shirts on whilst receiving fellatio, because there is nothing sexier than a man awkwardly trying to get his shirt out of the way of a "gagging" lady.

All women are lesbians - no really, didn't you know? all it takes is one hot lady to look at another hot lady and shit starts to get wild and water "works" are turning on everywhere.

The Bigger the Better - All men have large cocks. Really the bigger the better because the fairer sex loves nothing more than "coming on your big cock". It may be physically painful and you may be about to pop a hole in her cervix but keep going harder, bitches love harder.

Women want to sleep with other women's husbands - true fact. This is how threesomes happen. Lady 1 looks at lady 2s husband and lady 2 finds out and then they all take their clothes off and "work" out their differences.

Sex in Difficult places is easy - The shower, a toilet cubicle, a sunken lounge room. The more difficult the better it is. So you just put you leg up here, and I will put my hand here and lets go to town. Easy and Safe as Pie.

Heels are safe for sex - Women should keep their shoes on whilst enjoying sexual acts. Never mind the fact that they may be sporting a 6 inch heel, its totally safe AND sexy. It also give the guy something to grab to make the women more moveable so "contact" can be clearly viewed.

Dirty talk is loved by EVERYONE - I love it when you call me a filthy whore, because I know that I am one and you love it when I ask you to fuck my wet pussy. And no one laughs when these conversations are taking place. Because not only is porn real, but it is a serious business

I am all about learning and I am currently being educated by adult recorded acts. Maybe that's the only reason that I have the Internet, after all the Internet is for porn. There is a song about it so it must be true. But seriously I am actually legitimately a fan of adult content, it sure has taught me some tricks along the way. Starfish? Ain't no body got time fo dat. 

Love and Bukkake 

Miss K 

New Life Rule...

I wonder when we became the whinging society, when did keeping up with the Jones become the highest priority and why do we always want to be better fitter, further and faster than what we already are. It got me to thinking that really I am the only one that can change where I am and what I am doing. And from this is born life's new rule NO MORE COMPLAINING ABOUT THINGS THAT ARE IN MY POWER TO CHANGE!!! So lets break it down real simple

PERSON

I am not sure if its just me and the age that I am getting to but every second one of my friends is so far into fitness these days and this is fantastic for them. I know that I am not possibly in the best shape but that all comes down to me. If you want to eat what you like and not exercise please be aware of the consequences of your actions. No one wants to hear you saying you are sick of being fat as you shove another chocolate bar down your throat without chewing. To get to be the best you, its about exercise and healthy eating. There is no miracle cure (but if you happen to know one please send it my way)

PROCREATING

I know it may be hard to comprehend but Mr Right is generally not just going to fall in your lap. I have decided that I shall like to procreate (yeah that one shocked me as much as it did you, don't you worry about that) so in order for this to happen I need to find a mate. Sitting at home isn't going to do that for me so I am out there hitting the pavement so to speak. It is getting harder to meet people so explore all options. Internet Dating, Speed Dating, Blind Dating, Stalking people with lovely beards on the tram... what ever it takes get onto it. No sitting on your couch complaining that you want a date. GO OUT AND FIND ONE!!!! (Disclaimer: maybe try and find one that isn't already dating someone else, we don't want things to get awkward, also if you have any tall single friends that look like Ricki Hall please send them my way. I make a mean sandwich)

PROFESSION

So you don't like your job? Well go and get a new one!! Really it is as easy as that. I went into a job agency last year and the consultant said to me "Don't you think you are a little bit too old to be changing your career?" and I am still laughing about this until this day. All it took was for me to believe in myself and change into something that was more me. If you don't have the skills, get them, if you don't like the company, change it. Why do something you don't totally love? If someone is doing better than you at work, maybe ask yourself why? Is it because they are trying harder than you, putting in more than you or just because its unfair!!

PEOPLE

You are the only one that is in control of the people that you let into your life. Are the people in your life making you a better person or are they sucking your soul? Its not always easy but at the end of the day the only way to make your life happier is to get rid of the negative. Why surround yourself with people that don't believe in you the way that you deserve to be believed in? So no complaining about the people you have the ability to remove (and trust me, if you put you mind to it you have the ability to remove anyone)

POSSESSIONS 

Jealous of your mates that are going on holidays or have the latest in gadgets and shiny bits? Either they are in debt, earn heaps of coin or make sacrifices. If you want these things you need to start saving, I personally have a Japan tin next to my door. When I get home I empty my purse of all my coins and $5 notes and throw it in the tin. Its such a small amount that generally I don't miss it and it makes Japan that one step closer for me. Or maybe you could forgo that morning coffee or the coke with your lunch, $4 a day most certainly would add up

Its really only you that can make you into the you that you want to be. If you don't like where you are, go somewhere else. You never know whats waiting for you when you actually try. I got told something recently and it went along the lines of "Jealousy is generally born from guilt". People will get jealous of you because they know inside themselves they aren't giving it their everything. Do you want to be jealous? 

Nah I didn't think so 

Love and YOLO

Miss K

P.S I have a strong despise for the word YOLO but it is some how unwillingly became the catch phrase for our house. You only live once so this may mean spending the last of your pay on a One Direction Cushion

Ways to make it awkward or not with an Ex

If you are anything like me (which for your sake I hope you are not) you will be unlucky in love an have a trail of exs littering the countryside. Well for me my trail isn't that long but, long enough and unlucky enough to mean that I shall have chance encounters with these people that are some what out of my control. Maybe its my weakness but seeing exs that I still have feelings for make me go a bit crazy in the head. On a recent trip back to the desert I knew that one such encounter was coming so I hashed out a fool proof plan to make it a manageable event. so here it is 

1. Don't look into his eyes, they are the pits of hell. Well maybe not that dramatic but its pretty easy to be sucked in by their beauty. For the sake of the world, LOOK AWAY GOD DAMN IT 

2. Don't touch his skin, this is where the magic hides and magic is not what you want 

3. Don't try to build a nest in his beard no matter how lovely and inviting it looks. Its a trap!!!

4. Make a good relationship with the bathroom, you may be spending a bit of time in there (no don't be silly, its not hiding. Its simply powdering your nose)

5. Find someone else to hook up with, a distraction will work wonders for your confidence 

6. Know where your exits are, if melt down occurs (as sometimes it does) you need to have a quick escape route so you can disappear into the night and go live under your bridge until your crazy has subsided

7, Get drunk enough that you cant feel your extremities, then if you do touch it wont matter because you wont be able to feel it (actually this one could be a double edged sword, you may loose control of your bodily functions and then number 5 will not be an attainable goal)

8. Pretend you have a nice bought of Amnesia or Alzheimers. "Kerry, who is Kerry? No I am sure I don't know you. Please leave my presence stranger. Constable Care warned me about talking to strangers". This should work a treat, everyone will be left confused and you can use escape plan 4, 6 or 7.

9. Turn into a blubbering mess, cry all over him until he feels so awkward that he leaves. Reset your tears, fix your make up and get back to enjoying your night 

10. Wear a disguise, if he doesn't recognise you, you really don't exist and you don't have to live in fear of him spotting you and things getting awkward. 

Or maybe you could just be an adult about it, say hello, make polite conversation covering safe topics (ie/ the weather or the local sporting club) and then say your goodbyes and move off in your respective directions. And if all else fails and you are thrown back into the throngs of passion (as sometimes happens) remember if its not on, its not on, swapping bodily fluid makes things just that little bit more personal. 

Love and Escape Plans 

Miss K

* The guy above is incredibly special to me so it made me sad that I had to think of these escape plans. Earlier this year I got upset, had a tantrum and ended up having to put my tail between my legs and apologise. I am not proud of what I did but I also know that I am only human. The heart is a pretty stupid thing and it turns even the most composed women into a raving looney. Sadly for me what the mind tries to forget the body remembers.