Tuesday, 14 June 2016

Why having a cat is just like having a kid....

So recently I got a cat... well technically I didn't get a cat, I was just kitty sitting for a few weeks and it was amazing. All those tiny little kitty cuddles and the unconditional love (well, with the one condition, that I feed her and not pat her unless she wants to be patted. Cats can be jerks like that). It was like I was owning a cat without all the expense and responsibility. Through this amazing experience I also came to realise that having a cat is actually pretty similar to having a kid, well I am guessing so anyway, considering I don't actually have any experience with the latter. So here it is, my thoughts on cats and kids, or kids and cats, or just cats, or just kids, well you get the drift. 

They will cry if you don't give them attention - oh, so you are doing something that doesn't involve me, I will have none of that. I am going to stand outside the shower and cry and cry until you let me in. And then when we are done, you have to dry me first or I will cry then as well.

You will constantly wonder about their welfare when you aren't with them - going to work is really hard, they will be at home alone, probably sticking forks in to power points and wondering where you are, and you will spend all day counting down the minutes before you can get home to them to make sure they aren't dead.

Going to the toilet is now a public affair - Good bye to using the toilet without an audience. You shut the door and the crying starts, so you open the door and they sit there staring at you awkwardly and you try not to make eye contact while you are wiping yourself. After about the third or fourth go, its not actually as weird as what you think

You have to share your food - well technically you don't have to but cats have their guilt eyes on, and clearly you have a heart because you got a cat in the first place so if they want some, you are going to give it to them. They don't really understand "no kitty, this is human food, you are not a human" they just don't get it!!!! 

Their shits, yeah you have to clean that up - you just have to keep your fingers crossed that they do it in the designated area for easy finding and disposal, but sometimes they are sneaky mofos and will leave you surprise little nuggets around just to keep you on your toes. They are also probably going to sit there and watch you while you are doing it, just to make it that little bit more demeaning. I am sure they are thinking "Yeah, clean my shit you dirty bitch" or something like that.

They are little jerks but you love them anyway -  cats are like teenagers, attitudes out the Wazoo. They only want to be touched and have attention lavished on them when it suits them, they eat EVERYTHING and are untidy little jerks. But they are also kind of adorable and you are going to love them anyway no matter what they do and how bad they smell.

Sneaking around so you don't wake them becomes a thing - they have chosen my lap or my bed as a good resting place to slumber, I feel honoured to have this great duty bestowed upon me and the rest of the world can wait until they wake up. Yeah sure, I may be busting and need to use the toilet but all of that can wait, because look at that beautiful sleeping face. Its the face of a fluffy fluffy angel and I think that god would be pretty angry if you upset his most fairest angel. Thats a thing.

You speak to them in a baby voice and you aren't really sure why - maybe you don't want to startle them, or their cuteness activates something within your ovaries that turns you in to mush, but that mushy cutesy voice comes out in lashings. And like, you don't even care if anyone actually hears you either because just look at it!!! its perfect. 

I am pretty proud of myself, I managed to keep the cat alive for two whole weeks, she went home happy and healthy (bar the unfortunate incident in the car on the way home when she might have got the squirts everywhere!!! even all over herself). If having a kid is as easy as this, I totally got it.  So pretty much BRB, I am off to get some Business printed with the words " Miss K - Kitty Sitting Extraordinaire" on them, if you need my services just let me know, I am totally down for that. 

With Love and Whiskers 

Miss K 

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