Resolutions to Remember for 2015

As we roll into 2015 wearing futuristic clothes and riding around the street on Hover boards I was going to take this time to reflect on the goals that I set myself at this time last year but after doing a quick browse back over them I realised that I didn't do very well in following through with what I set out to do. I found love and lost it again, I got into shape and stayed there and was a bit more selfish than I used to be but other than that I think that maybe I forgot that these were my resolutions. Even though today is really just another day and the only change is the date I am going to try and write another set of suggestions to live my life by, maybe this year I will print them out and stick them up where I can see them so that I don't forget what I have set out to do. So here they are, things to work towards in 2015

Get better Posture - my dad constantly tells me to stand up properly. I am a solid 5'10 and I should show this to the world. Also if you have better posture your boobs look bigger and that is always a good goal to aspire to have. I look at tall women in the street and think how beautiful they are when they are standing up strongly, I want people to look at me like that.

Stop saying Cunt so much - I don't know how this one happened but the C Bomb may have become the most commonly used word in my vocabulary in 2014, it replaced the filler words of "like" or "umm" if you will. The besties boyfie always tells me that boys would be much more interested in me if I didn't say it so much so I am going to give it a crack. I don't think I am ready for it to go cold turkey but I can handle this like a pack a day smoker tackles quitting, slowly whittle it down one cunt at a time until I don't need it any more.

Call my Nan more - I am not afraid to say that my nan is one of my favourite people on the whole planet. She inherited us when I was about 10 years old and she has loved me and hugged me and listened to me cry over boys and fed me lollies and been the most amazing nan that anyone could ask for. She doesn't judge me or my life choices and supports me 100%. It is easy to forget about these people in the busy life that we lead, but in 2015 I am going to try and remember her more and pick up the phone. You never really know how long you have left to show someone that you love them so I don't want to waste any of that time. 

Stop being so hard - I was sitting in the shed one day with my dad while he was changing the brake pads on my sisters car and we were having a discussion about some life issue and he looked and me and said "you are a hard women" and this has stuck with me for the last few years and constantly pops up in my head. I am hard and I will admit that, it takes a lot to crack my shell and I will cut people off at the drop of a hat because of a feeling. I am always told that I cut things to early, so maybe for 2015 I am going to give myself some more leeway. Surely everyone in the world isn't out to get me so I probably should give them a chance. Go into the world with an open heart and great things will come to you. I hope. I am always black and white, maybe its time to let in some grey.

Write More - This was one of my goals for last year and I did well it for about half of the year and then I just seemingly fell of the edge of the world. See the thing with me is that when I am not feeling good I feel that I don't write good so everything that I do is rubbish and is not worthy of public viewing so instead of trying, I just disappear. This is bullshit really and in 2015 I am going to stop this. I am going to set myself a goal to publish at least one post a week, I am going to set aside a block of time every weekend to sit and write and just see what happens. I have a folder full of ideas just waiting to be fleshed out, I really need to give those ideas light. Writing is cathartic, I need more of that in my life. 

Eat out less - One of my goals every year is to get better with money and I have yet to achieve that goal but this is one little thing that I can do to tie into that. I need to stop eating out and actually be more organised. I opened my fridge this morning to find something for breakfast and I had the choice of some meadow lea, 3 semi sun dried tomatoes and a tiny bit of parsley. That's not the contents of an adults fridge. I am a good cook, I make delicious meals and I have it within my capacity to be organised but I am easily way laid. I will endeavour to make my breakfast, take my lunch to work and have a plan for what I want to make for dinner each night instead of grabbing breakfast on the run, buying my lunch and getting some take away on the way home after the gym. $10 per meal certainly does add up. Eating out should be a treat, I need to make it so. 

Become less Social Media reliant - I am 31 years old, I don't need to be constantly sitting on my phone waiting to find out what my friends are having for dinner. I sit on the tram during my daily commute and it has dawned on me that we are now a group of Zombies. As soon as people sit down they pull out their phone and start scrolling through their social media feeds to distract themselves from the world around them. I want to be present. I want to make friends with the little kid called Marcus that is sitting next to me and wants to be a Burrito when he grows up (see what you can find out if you offer to share your seat). I want to smile at the old Italian lady who tells me to be less hard on myself and I want look at the amazing Graffiti that adorn the walls along the tram line. There is so much beauty in the world and I am scared about how much I have missed with my eyes glued to my phone. The news feed is still going to be there in an hour, the wisdom of the old lady sitting next to me can only last until my stop approaches. 

Stop Hiding behind my overtly sexual Nature - So I guess now its time to come clean, everyone has this view of me that I am this overly sexual creature, I ooze it from my pores, I act like it, I dress like it, heck I even write about it but really that's not who I am. I think that its an act that I have fallen in to because its easy. I lost count of the amount of dick pics that I was sent in 2014, and do you know how many of those people I have actually been intimate with? ONE!!!! I know that its all in good fun but it has dawned on me that some people think that's all I am and I am not really cool with that. Last year I fucked up, I started to snatch chat with a guy who I actually genuinely wanted to get to know better but because that was how things started there really was no coming back from that. I don't want to make that same mistake in 2015. I am not an object and I wont stand for being treated as one, I like attention, but this is the wrong kind of attention to be getting. I am better than that, if I want to be treated as a lady, I need to act like one and make people remember that I am one. 

Stop with the Emotions - I am an overly emotional person, I will admit it. Life gets to me, I get upset, I get angry, I want to disappear into the blackness. I want to be more stable in the year 2015 because at this age I should probably have my shit together, or at least pretend that I do. I nearly lost my job in 2014 for being upset about life circumstances. I went through a terrible break up that destroyed me and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop that from coming out. I got pulled in to line and told to shape up or ship out and this wasn't a pleasant experience at all. It made me realise that everyone is going through shit and the world doesn't really care about your struggle. This year I want to be like a Botox lady, a fixed mask of non expression.  The world doesn't need to know about my emotions because they probably don't care. I'm going to do Kenny Rogers justice this year and know when to hold them and know when to fold them. 

Say Yes More - A few years ago I had one resolution for the year and that was to make it the year of the random and it was probably one of the best years that I had so I would like to adopt this one again. I am going to stop making excuses and become more about action. You never know what the world has in store and you certainly wont find it out by sitting on your couch watching reruns of the Big Bang Theory. So that guy wants to take you out for ice cream - YES. You get asked to a party where you don't know anyone - YES. You find an advertisement for a cooking class - YES. I am going to be like Jim Carey in Yes Man (just a little bit less funny, only a little bit though). The world is out there, all I need to do is say Yes and let it in. 

2014 was a year of High Highs and the lowest of lows but I am here on the other side so I have to take that as a win. The bad times help us be thankful for the good and inevitably make us the people that we are. I made friends, I lost friends, I cried, I loved, I laughed and probably pissed a whole lot of people off along the way. I found my place in the city and was shown the goodness in people when I really needed to see it. Whether I achieve all my resolutions or not, as long as I be the best me that I can be I will happily take that as a win. So 2015, I am coming for you. I will be the one with good eyebrows and designer high heels and I will take no prisoners. I cant fail, because after all, I am Kerry and I've got this. 

Love and Old Lang Syne

Miss K

2015 can do this...

Why wristies are awkward....

Sometimes I think about prostitutes and what a hard job they actually have, we all know that they provide massages with a happy ending but have you actually thought about the work that has to go in to the "tug" part of the rub n tug? At the fear of losing the respect of my readers and the possibility of alienating myself from future suitors I am going to be honest and say that I feel I am lacking in the art of wristies. While I admit that I am good at many things, hand jobs aren't one of them and I think this has a lot to do with positioning and stamina. In the essence of #science lets explore this further

I think the first time I experienced the need to "wristie" was in my younger days and my early sexual encounters. I was a late bloomer and didn't see a doodle until I was nearly 18, I had just come out of a long stint of religion and the idea of having to touch that thing was a bit scary. Thankfully my first boyfriend had a very lovely penis so it wasn't as scary as some of them that I have seen over the course of my "career". Being young and inexperience lead to a lot of fumbling around blindly trying to entertain the other person.

 I would like to think that my parents raised me right and they were big believers in the saying of "Do on to others as you would have done on to you" (actually I could be making this up and maybe they never told me this), so needless to say if I wanted him to touch my "area" I would need to touch his. Laying in a single bed facing each other whilst trying to touch each others areas was a bit like a game of Twister "LEFT HAND ON PINK. NOOOO THE OTHER PINK". He is clicking your mouse and you are trying to figure out how to put your arm down there without disturbing his rhythm and then your hand is backwards or upside down and you have no room for he upstroke so all you end up doing is clumsily rubbing your finger tips over the top of his head.... HOW IS THIS ENJOYABLE?

There has to be a better way so over the year I have given it a bit more thought, here are the positions and their pros and cons

The Polar Opposites - This position has been mentioned above, it just doesn't work, it just doesn't.Think of it if you will as trying to push two magnets together with their opposing forces. 

Suitability 3/10

The Side by Side - You've been out for a large dinner, neither of you are actually at all interested but you are trying to keep the romance alive (and you have to give them something back for buying you dinner). If you put any pressure on your stomach region you probably couldn't be responsible for what happens next so side by side tugs are probably all that you can muster. This position is awkward because my elbow isn't on a hinge and cant bend backwards, if I am laying on my side then I have to hold my arm up in the air and its going to get tired. Maybe I could rest it on my distended pasta stomach

Suitability 5/10

The Reach Over - this one comes in handy if you are driving a car or in a cinema or doing something where you need to sit and face the front. This one can be a bit of an issue with angle and reaching over can cause your arm to get sore. Plus its not very intimate is it, if you are doing it for someone you care about isn't eye contact recommended? 

Suitability 6/10

The Sneaky Reach Around - This is probably my favorite one (granted that your gentleman isn't of the rounder side) because its the wristie that is unexpected. Imagine that they are brushing their teeth or heaven for bid having a shave you can give them some fun times. The position can cause fatigue and then there is the awkward chance of grabbing something that you aren't meant to because you cant see but the pros out weight the cons. If you can manage to keep it up until the end there is less clean up because they can just blow into the sink. No mess No Fuss

Suitability 8/10

The Lap Dance - think about sitting on their lap straddling them with their ample (hopefully) pole facing skywards. This way you can look into their eyes lovingly as you are stroking their masculine length. This would cut down fatigue because you are directly in front of them and your arm isn't in an awkward position. Plus if you would like to move on from just wristie to a bit of penetration all you need is a flick of the hips. Kinda like killing two birds with one stone.

Suitability 8/10

The Upside Down - This would be the 69 of the wristie world. You have your eye on the prize, your arms aren't in an awkward position and you can go for a while, he is laying in a comfortable position and could be giving you something back at the same time. The draw backs with this is that I am anti on my face and in this position it doesn't really have much choice but to end it there. When I said not one my face, I meant not on my face.

Suitability 7.5/10

The Back Up - Stand in front of them with your back to them, slightly to your preferred side (I am right handed so I would stand slightly to the left) and back up on to them with a lego hand like grip. They can whisper sweet nothings in your ear as encouragement and you can go about your business whilst watching the TV. Fatigue shouldn't get the better of you in this position as your arm is a nice casual relaxed mode, much like it would be if you were treading water. Just be sure to step out of the way at the moment of "impact" because that stuff can be hard to get out of your clothes.

Suitability 8.5/10

Maybe we should all just agree to carry out our own foreplay and reconvene when we are "ready". Or maybe it would be better for everyone if we all had some communication, that's not my clitoris and you need me to go faster are probably phrases that need to be said .... but really if I haven't mastered it after 15 years maybe its just time for me to call it quits. I think I have realised that pretty much the only way to get a 10/10 if to do it yourself.

Or this... lets just go with this

Love and Lubrication 

Miss K 

N.B while writing this blog I was sitting at the pub and posed this question to the lads that decided to sit on my table, Dean Jones told me that if he is getting a shit wristie/blow job he tells the girls to suck his balls and finishes the job himself. See kids, that's what communication is all about

* no names were changed to protect the identity of the participants. But it is cricket season and they are wearing Hawaiian shirts so they probably deserve everything that they get.

The Reason I.... Part One

Lists are good, I like them to organise my day, figure out what I need to forget at the shops (because I have left the list at home) and in this case to give me the pros and cons of that adventure called life. Here is a list of reasons why I...  

The reason I... Shouldn't Drink

- getting on a roof always seems like a good idea, but then the getting off the roof may be a bit of a challenge. Here is a bit of advice for free - laying down and rolling off may get you there but its probably going to cause you some damage 

- Every ones food is my food, I see it, I want it, I take it and fuck the consequences, 

- Drunk Kerry is an excited puppy and wants to touch and kiss and generally cause mischief, that probably needs to be restrained

- Drunk Kerry is also a thief, stealing 8 pint glasses from a fancy pub will seems like a great idea until you get in the car in the morning and wonder what all that chinking is

The reason I... cant be trusted around sharp items 

- plastic bags can be difficult to negotiate and when you combine a plastic bag and a sharp knife someone is going to get stabbed in the sternum

- The destructive nature is strong with me, if I can stab it or cut it or drill it I probably will 

- I have the attention span of a goldfish, when wielding anything dangerous this could be to my detriment

The reason I... shouldn't be allowed out in public 

- I say cunt a lot more than a regular person

- I have the energy and destructiveness of a puppy, I don't mean to be bad but it just kind of happens 

The reason I... could never become a politician or a royal 

- there are far to many nudes of me floating around in the digital landscape. Pauline Hanson and her belt has nothing on me 

- I am tattooed and foul mouthed, so really all ingredients for a society miscreant

- The world probably couldn't handle me on a big stage and I am probably not what you would like your young girls to aspire to be

The reason I... want to procreate 

- little kids Jordans are cute and you don't have to line up to get them, no reselling cunts in the kids black market 

- I want to use the line "I'm not angry, I am just disappointed" That's a winner, EVERY TIME

- I could have all the toys that I wanted and kids go to bed early so I wouldn't even need to share them 

- Public Tantrums can be a thing, just to teach them a lesson of course. Instead of looking down at me the public, they would cheer for me.

The reason I... couldn't touch the stripper 

- she was too pretty, like one of those amazing glass ornaments, if I touched her I could break her 

- its ingrained in me that you aren't allowed to touch them, its all been about sitting on your hands and trying not to breath too heavy 

- Where would I have even started? do you start at the belly button and work your way up or just jump straight in? The anxiety of the situation was far too much for me to handle 

- she had an outie... and the outie was in my face when she did a hand stand... and I panicked. I am not ashamed to say that I haven't seen an outie before. It wasn't wrong, it was just different 

The reason I... shouldn't touch boys testicles 

- it hurts them, when they can feel it in their solar plexus you know have done a bad thing and they may never talk to you again 

- you may have seen it in the movies when the guy slaps the girl in her privates, but it doesn't translate well off screen and with different genders. The noises are most certainly different 

- Cosmo will tell you cup the balls whilst preforming intercourse, the one time I tried this, the motion of our bodies may have got in the way and some crushage happened followed by some squeaking. I think that's bad. 

- I could have single handedly (only slightly pun intended) put and end to tall bearded tattooed babies. 

Love and Reasoning 

Miss K