You would be forgiven for thinking that the above title is a line out of Little Red Riding Hood, just imagine little Red in her Little Cape heading off to visit her little old gran when she happens upon the big bad Wolf and his Giant Hands. I did recently dye my hair bright red but sadly that's about as close to Little Miss Red as I am going to get. Yes, my name is Kerry and I have giant hands. I hear you laughing at what an absurd statement this is but you would be surprised at the amount of times my large hands have been brought up in conversation (twice in the last week alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!).
I first realised that my hands were larger than normal when I was about 19, I was cuddling on the couch with my then boyfriend Cameron after a big night out on the town. He was holding a 2ltr choc milk container in one hand and my hand in his other and then out of the blue he remarked "You have the hugest hands". I don't remember much of the conversation that followed BUT the very next day Cameron called our budding relationship off. Look, it could have been for some other reason but its one of those moments that has cemented itself in my mind and from that day forward I had a complex about my giant hands. Life though is about looking for the positives in every situation. Ask not what you can do for your Giant hands, but what your giant hands can do for you. I could be a....
World Class Pianist - with fingers like these I could be Michael Bolton or David Helfhot or Danny Forward (I work with him, he is good at Piano and waving his little baton, apparently he has waved it four times this week and he even has a holster for it). I could tickle them ivories with the best of them. Only I cant, to break it down, me and music is like Jay Z and Beyonces sister.... if you get my drift. I was always that kid in school that couldn't get my claps timed with everyone else. I went full Potato.
Gold Digger - I have always had a thing for hooker nail to go on the end of the overly long fingers that are attached to my overly large hands. What better use of long hooker nails than going digging for gold. A few weeks ago while driving to lunch Buzz Lightyear decided to go in for a pick on the sly without me seeing, I just happened to catch it in my peripheral vision as he was retrieving his finger with a hanger on, in panic he tried to push it back in but all he achieved was managing to collect another one on the back stroke. He looked at me with imploring eyes and muttered "help me". As you can imagine I couldn't help because he had a finger full of boogies and I had tears of laughter streaming down my face. I hear you asking what this has to do with me, good point, I just wanted to tell that funny story because it makes me laugh heartily but the main point is with long fingers and long nails, the nail can act like a shovel.... no mess, no fuss, clean nose, happy Kerry. I would recommend it for anyone.
Master Mechanic - My fingers are long, thin and dexterous. In a past life I used to spend a lot of time with my hands inside engine bays and my long fingies came in handy. As an example I was putting an engine back together late into the evening and after dropping the head back on I realised that I had forgotten to put in the FPR (Fuel Pressure Regulator for those non car savvy chaps). The FPR on my car is jammed down the back of the block and is held on by two tiny screws, as you can imagine its a bit of a head fuck to put in. Go Go Gadget Thin Fingers and Whaaa Laaaa, problem solvered. Dropped that bolt into that tiny little crack and cant get it... sucks to be you, I don't generally have that problem.
Back Yard Abortionist - Look, you don't need to say it, I know this one is in poor taste but it wasn't me that came up with the idea. I cant remember where it steamed from but I am going to hazard a guess that it was an alcohol induced conversation. It went along the lines of me reaching my hand up into a women's womb and removing it with my overly large fingers and long nails. I don't know why but in my head the mortal combat music just started playing.... I am probably going to hell.
Drunken Spiders - Did you realise that you have 8 fingers and spiders have 8 legs and if I move my fingers really quickly when I am drunk I can image that they are spiders legs. Sometimes I like to put my spiders on people, sometimes it freaks them out, sometimes I laugh. Oh how I laugh.
Emasculating Man Eater - I once high fived a guy that was 6'5 and my hands were larger than his, I was being the master of high fiving and focusing on his elbow for a solid connection when he remarked rather loudly "JESUS, HOW BIG ARE YOUR FUCKING HANDS", I was mid flight so there was very little I could do but follow through, but his comment rattled me. I think that it comes down to this simple fact, the bigger my hands are, the small their dicks look. If you are freaked out by the size of my hands that probably means you have a complex about your penis... and that's something you are just going to have to deal with. There are girls out there that will love you even with your tiny tinky. I promise. If you get upset by it, I am probably going to tease you more about it... I'm friendly like that.
A Faith Healer - We have all seen them on late night/early morning TV, they profess the word of the lord, lay hands on people and then those people miraculously walk again. HALLELUJAH!!!! With these kind of hands I could touch the masses on mass and channel more of the lord into them. Let there be light...
Scream Stopper - For want of a better word. You know in the movies when the goody is trying to save that dumb girl from running into a trap and he dramatically grab her and puts his hand over her mouth so she cant scream? Well I could be that guy (girl). Even the largest of mouths would be no match for these bad boys. I would kind of be like a super hero, but just one that keeps their underwear inside their pants. It would be cool to have a cape but this skill alone wouldn't qualify it for me would it?
Life is all about turning the things that you cant change into positives that work for you. Remember every cloud has a silver lining and in my case every finger has a sparkly tip.
Love and Filangies