The scariest three word sentence in the world.....

I have been thinking about this a lot in recent weeks, about how three words have the potential to change your life as you know it. In these three words you expose your inner self and your hopes and your dreams and you throw them all on the table. I wish that I could tell you that life was like the movies and when you said it, there would be fireworks and confetti and doves flitting off into the distance but sadly from my experience that's not generally the case. The words I am talking about are "I Love You", and in my opinion they are the most terrifying threes words that ever did exist. I don't mean the I love yous between family's and friends but the I love you, Like I really love you. Here are some tales of I love yous gone a bit astray. 

The first time I remember saying it and meaning it with all my heart was to Ikea Flat Pack when I was about 19 or 20. We had been dating for 6 months and things were going well, one night sitting in the car at Carousel Shopping Centre (how romantic) I just had to tell him. I HAD TO!!! so I did, he looked at me, didn't really say much and then changed the subject and drove off. The next day he broke up with me because his mates had told him that it was too soon for me to say it.... and he didn't need that in his life. Needless to say I was pretty guttered, I spent the next 6 months doing what any normal 19 year old does, and he spent them banging some chic and her sister (at the same time so I am told) and then when it was out of our system and he calmed down we gave it another crack. 

I remember being on the phone to him while I was away on holiday after we had gotten back together and I missed him so much that I just had to tell him I loved him, I didn't want to die at sea without him knowing. Apparently me saying it was the hardest thing he had heard because he wanted to say it back but wanted it to be special. When he finally did say it, it was special. We were in my shower and he looked deep into my eyes and said it. I probably cried, being young and melodramatic as you are that age. We then went on to another 4 years of I Love Yous... that's a pretty good record (and one I haven't broken since).

The second Significant I love you came from a star of this blog (I seem to write about him a lot) the Army Brat. We hadn't been dating very long but we had fallen in love very quickly and things were hard and fast and we were powerless to stop them. One early morning he was getting up to go to the gym and before he left he lent down and kissed me goodbye and said those three words. I don't know why but I panicked, like I mean I went into full on freak out mode. I pretended to be asleep until he left and then quickly pulled out my phone and called my friend. HE SAID I LOVE YOU!!!!! HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS!!!!!!!! she laughed at me and simply asked "Do you love him?" like it was the simplest question in the world. It turns out that I did love him I was just worried about it I guess, that evening I said it back to him so it was all fine. 

I caught up with him recently and we had a laugh about it, I told him that I hadn't been asleep that day and it wasn't a coincidence that I had said it back to him that night. Our love story didn't pan out the way that the great romances do, but we have an understanding and we are both where we are now because of the love that we had for each other then. I don't think great loves ever die, they just evolve and change over time. And that's OK as well. 

Fast forward a few years to modern day times, I was seeing a guy recently who swept me off my feet without intentionally meaning to do so. I have known him for a few years and remember very clearly the first time I met him thinking how special he was. Years passed and friendships grew and then a bit of fun led to a bit of feelings. Since the Army Brat I had not dropped the L Bomb with conviction so it scared me. The whole idea of Loving someone was an alien thought to me. I remember laying there one night early on in our relationship, being the big spoon with my forehead against his back and my lips against his spine and my head started screaming at me I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU. It was at that moment that I knew I was fucked... when your head starts telling you that, there is really no turning back. 

It was peculiar to me that the idea of loving someone was so scary, maybe with age and bad experiences I have been tainted so I didn't tell him. I tried to put my feelings into everything I did and the way I treated him and just hoped that it would be enough. As the majority of relationships go, this one ended and it was only then that I had the courage to tell him how I really felt. I knew that it wouldn't change things but it was still important. Everyone deserves to know that they mean something. I looked him straight in his eyes and told him Loud and Proud "I Love You". And his response? he knew. So all my hard work of showing him wasn't in vain. 

In my 15 odd years in the dating world this sentence has been thrown out a lot more than it maybe should have but its only been in the last few years that I have realised the significance of it. I think when we are young we think that we are in love and throw it around without abandon, or when someone says it to us we think its our duty to say it back (which by the way it isn't, those words are heavy and you cant take them back).With age comes wisdom and hopefully we are better able to navigate this mine field. Of course though there is no reasoning behind the way the heart feels. Its kind of a bastard like that, it goes off on its merry way and you are powerless to stop it. As tough as those times are when you don't hear it back, please always be thankful that you had the opportunity to say it in the first place. your heart has felt something amazing and if the person does choose to leave you, at least they are leaving with all the information. I can also share that it might take you a while to get over it but keep that love feeling in the back of your mind, being in love is amazing, its what we all strive for and its what we all deserve, Hopefully next time we wont be so scared....

Love and Terror 

Miss K 

As a little side story - I was talking to my cousin the other day and she was telling me how one night she got drunk and told the guy she had been "seeing" for a year that she loved him then woke up in the morning and they were in a facebook official relationship. So sometimes it shows that fairy tales do happen... and when they do, Facebook might know about it before you do. 

Tearful Triumphs and Strange Uses

So as you would know from my last post I have recently gone through a break up that crushed my soul and my spirit and all the other things in life that could be crushed, but never fear, like the phoenix I shall rise from the ashes. I have been told a few times in life that I am overly emotional and those people might actually be on to something  (I don't give my emotions out often but when I do, watch out). I wont lie, I have been crying like a little bitch most days and when I think the tears are about to run out I get a second wind and the rivulets keep flowing. This got me thinking today about positive ways in which to harness my tears... most importantly, if I was someone else, what could I do with those tears that could change the world. Lets play a game of make believe.... I could be,,, 

The Leave Britney Alone Guy - Remember that viral internet sensation from circa 2009 that tearfully defended crazy old Brit and told the world to leave her alone? Yeah I could be that guy. I have always liked the idea of being an internet celebrity (for something other than porn of course) so this might just be the opportunity I am looking for. I could find some cause to champion (not Britney of course, she is so 5 minutes ago), be the voice of the people and then bask in my stardom. Fuck yeah. 

A High Class Stripper - I don't know if its just me but when a women is taking her clothes off for me I like her to be crying. Its kind of like the upgrade to your McDonalds Meal. I am paying for a service and I want her to know that. With the amount of tears that I have been shedding I could be the highest of the High Class. There might actually be the slight issue that I am not an attractive crier, I'm all swollen eyes and snotty noses and big heaving shudders but I can work on those things right? Get yo dollar dollar bills ready boys, the puppies are coming out to play (in the most classy way of course) 

A Gypsy - Did you know that Gypsy tears are meant to ward off against AIDS? I could put my tears in to little glass jars, sell them on the internet and make a fortune. Which I would probably then use to buy one million pop tarts or fill a swimming pool full of the popping balls you get in bubble tea. Step 1. Cry Step 2. Bottle Tears Step 3. Profit!!!! 

The Weeping Madonna - There was apparently a religious statue in Rockingham that wept Oil (for Melbourne people to get some perspective, this is the home of single mothers who wear tracksuits and no shoes with badly bleached blonde hair and regrowth for days). I could totally be a deity and weep some shit so people fell at my feet and worshipped me. I might like to weep Chu Hi or peach nector though... just to be delicious. 

Alice in Wonderland - poor Alice, she cried so much that she flooded the land and had to set sail in a little glass jar. I heard some where that global warming, droughts, water restrictions, something, something, so maybe by being Alice I am just doing my bit to hydrate the world. I'm a good guy like that. My sister is a skipper and she has a boat, so by flooding the world I would be making an income for her as well. Flooding the world Alice style seems to be the gift that keeps on giving. 

A Lubrication Provider - I went to Sexbo one year and there was this alley where you could go in and see all fucked up kind of shit. In this section there was all different kinds of Lube. I distinctly remember there being "Vomit" so I am sure there is a place for tears as well. I could sell my tears to them fucked up people to wet their regions when they cant wet themselves. I may not be doing it but if I can facilitate it for others, you beauty. My initials at KW, that's totally close to KY, this might be my destiny. 

A Unicorn - I know unicorns are just really horses with a horn stuck to their head and yes I know that I have mentioned on numerous occasions that I hate horses BUT the healing properties of Unicorn Tears kind of trumps any pre existing hatreds. Unicorn Tears can heal EVERYTHING. No more dishing out money for expensive antibiotics to cure that STD you picked up from that Tinder bitch that you have been messaging, no more blisters from those new shoes that you just had to have that are one size to small for you and CERTAINLY no more agony when trying to sit down to pee after leg day. Use the cure all Unicorn tears to cleanse you of all that ails you. You are pretty much invincible with those bad boys. By being a unicorn and giving out my tears I am making the world a better feeling place. 

Every day may not be a good day, but there is something good in every day, the difference is usually your attitude. I may be crying some tears today but tomorrow I could also be changing the world, its all about perspective really. So ladies (and gentleman) let your tears flow and you can be who ever you like. Changing the world, one tear at a time. 

Love and Salt Streams 

Miss K 

See, thats the thing about break ups

I'm going to call Wednesday a good day, on the scheme of things at least, for on Wednesday I got a free coffee. I go to the same coffee shop every morning and get myself a Large Skinny Capp with one sugar, pretty predictable but it gets my day going right. On Wednesday morning I walked in and the barista took one look at me and asked if I would like a double shot, at his kindness I started to cry like a weirdo and had to explain that I was going through a break up and I was a little bit crazy because of it. When I got to work I started to think about timing and when it goes from going through a break up to having been through a break up? I was never really good at tenses it would seem. So anyway, I know that I am not alone in the struggles of singledom and relationship demises so take these points as a show of support and reassurance that those crazy things you do might actually be run of the mill and everyone goes through them. This is what I have found happens after a break up

Their name will be everywhere - its as if the world is conspiring against you and forcing you to remember that person of who's name we shall not mention. You will see it on billboards, read it in books, even your local IGA server will have the same name. How did you not know that it was so common before? Who knew that Sir Lord Baron Von Vader Ham was the most common name in the history of the world (that's a Death Star Canteen Reference, if you don't know what that is I would recommend that you google it)

You will be a story on Tram Life - you will appear in someones tram life file (the status that they will write about the strange things that they see on the tram) as that person that was crying soundlessly and excessively whilst wiping your nose on the sleeve of your jumper because you have used up all your tissues for the third time that day.

You Will Relive it, Everyday - remember that time that you did that thing and it was awesome. Yeah well you will now. You will keep replaying those special times in your head trying to find a reason as to why it stopped working and wondering if you should have seen it coming.

You will agonise over every bit of social media information - they are now friends with who? why did they like that persons status? why are they OK? HOW ARE THEY NOT A BLUBBERING MESS LIKE I AM!!!!!!!!!!!! The age of reliance on social media has bred us into a culture of needing information which in turn we use to destroy ourselves. Its really not worth it, find the delete button and use it.

You will only remember the good times - anything  bad that happened, like that time he farted on you or the time he accidentally called you fat will be forgotten. You will only remember all of the good lovely memories thus confusing your head to think that it may be something that it actually wasn't. Maybe you should make a list to remind you that the grass may not have been greener (actually there may not have been any bad times and that time that he farted on you was probably funny and you probably deserved it and you probably got him back). Find some anger, it might help, maybe.

You will feel like your insides are falling out - your body will probably feeling like its breaking up and splitting apart but I have some good news for you I have a friend who is a medical professional and he has assured me that this wont actually happen, at the end of the day all your arms, legs and insides will be where they were before you started. You don't have to worry about a Mr Potatoe Head Picasso situation.

People will tell you to get over it - and in turn you will probably want to punch them in their stupid faces. I would highly suggest against this. As annoying as they are they are just trying to be helpful and remind you of the light that is apparently at the end of the tunnel. They also don't know how you are really feeling so they cant really put statements like that into play, if it was as easy as just getting over it, you probably would have done it by now. So you just take your time and use your inside head voice when thinking of responses for these well wishes.

It WILL feel like the worst thing that has ever happened to you - and it may well be but what I like to do is think of all the other bad things that have happened in my life to put it into perspective. Remember that time when Terry Arnold couldn't come to your 6th Birthday party in the Plane at Midland McDonalds and you cried for a week? THAT was the worst thing that had happened to you and you certainly got over it didn't you?

Finding something of theirs that you didn't know about may cause you to get upset - say you might be cleaning your room or doing the washing and you will find a pair of dirty jocks and sit clutching them to your chest sobbing theatrically because that black scrap of cloth has made you realise how much you miss them. This might go on for a few minutes but then you will come to your senses and pick yourself up off the ground and realise how pathetic you just appeared to the world. Lucky no one knows about this little indiscretion hey?

I have come to the conclusion that getting through a break up and using Pantene may be much the same thing, it wont happen over night but it will happen. So you just keep your chin up tiger and keep fighting the good fight and if all else fails head to the sea, No I am not meaning to walk and keep walking but more just to look at it because there is scientific studies to prove that water elements are crucial for balancing the body and creating physical harmony. That's science bitches!!!! And healing is all about harmony or harmony is all about healing?

(In) Love and (Out of) Love 

Miss K

N.B actually I just thought about it and maybe they aren't actually normal and I am a special brand of crazy and if that is actually the case then at least you can pump your fist in the air in triumph that you are not as crazy as I am.

If I had a penis... I would want it to be detachble

I got a message the other day from my sister because I was feeling pretty depressed and she wanted to cheer me up, in this message there were lots of funny photos that were meant to make me giggle. For those of you that dont knows me I am a miserable cunt so it didn't work overly well but the below photo had the desired effect. See the photo is funny because when Lizards are scared or threatened they can make their tail fall off so they can escape their predators, and old mate lizard has convinced Mr Rat that its a good idea to go to Chow Town. Poor Mr Rat. After I finished laughing at the photo I got thinking about the possibility of being able to regrow other things. Other things like penises.... I don't have one, I did a quick check just to be sure and I most certainly have an inny, but if I did, how awesome would it be to be able to detach it and have it grow back. Just think of all the amazing things that you could do!!!! Look, I can hear all you boys gasping at the prospect of being without your dingle but bare with me... welcome to the world of the detachable, regrowable penis.

If I had a detachable penis, I would bang crazy bitches without fear - I have heard that crazy bitches have teeth in their vagina's, sometimes you don't realise that they are crazy until it is to late. If you are mid coitus and it dawns on you that you may be in a bit over your head, you just detach and run like the wind. What she does with it after you have gone may not be pleasant to think about, but that's her business (I would like to think that she was like a praying mantis... if you get my drift)

If I had a detachable penis, I would get a job at McDonalds - You would think with the skills of detachable appendaging I could have any job that I want and you would be correct but lets think about this. Detach it, jam it into an ice cream cone, top it up with soft serve and you are about to feed someone a "Happy Meal". You could put it a burger and call it the McLoving, it would most certainly put new meaning to "special sauce" I was at Melbourne Central today and couldn't help but laugh at every soft serve that I saw. You're welcome for that image, you can thank me later.

If I had a detachable penis, I would put it in a bag - Neck a bag of dicks is probably one of my favourite sayings and just think how amazing it would be to be able to give a bag with your dicks in it to someone that you hate. Think of the satisfaction you would feel when you get to see the distraught look on their face when they open the bag. I live for shit like that.

If I had a detachable penis, I would throw it at people - possibly a police officer if I so desired. There is a very well known Police Officer in Victoria that hates import owners, if I saw him I would yell a loud war cry of "EAT A DICK" before launching my package squarely at his head and into his eye. It would be community service if anything, I would be taking one for the team and bringing the power back. You could also throw them at sluts if you wanted because sluts love dicks.

If I had a detachable penis, I would keep a spare in the freezer - run out of ice cubes? no worries, frozen dong. Had to much to drink and cant get it up? no worries, frozen dong. Want a bit of DP action and are scared of crossing swords? No worries, frozen dong.

If I had a detachable penis, I would give it to my girlfriend - She could keep it with her in case she missed me when I wasn't around. If she was a bit of the jealous type I could give it to her before a big night out and bingo, she has nothing to worry about because without a doodle I have to sit down to pee and that makes it difficult to cheat even if I wanted to. She can sleep soundly, I can party hard. Its a win win for everyone. 

If I had a detachable penis, I would teach sex ed - I don't actually remember ever putting condoms on Bananas at school but in all the penises I have seen I have never seen one that is as slender as a banana so if I could give the kids something realistic to work on I am sure that they would be able to condom better going forward. Maybe that's why sometimes I don't condom well... I wasn't taught correctly in my youth. 

If I had a detachable penis, I wouldn't need to get STD tests - feeling the burn because you haven't condomed well? No worries, rip that shit off at the first sign of that tingling sensation and start again. A detachable penis is kind of like Zovirax for genitals. 

If I had a detachable penis, I would be the ultimate party troller - Shaving off someones eyebrows is so 2005, pass out with your shoes on and I will stick my detachable penis to your head with super glue. Because dickhead (literally) you cant hold your booze and you should probably be ashamed of yourself. Let my flaccid penis hanging from your forehead serve as a reminder.  

As you can see, the opportunities are endless in the world of the detachable penis. I haven't worked out all the finer details out as yet, like how long it would take to grow back or the noise that it would make when it came off but my idea has merit. I tried to sell it to the masses last weekend and no one was as convinced as I was. No one except for my mate Yoshi, I would like to send a giant shout out to him for being a visionary and helping me with this post. Together we shall take over the world and you lot with your securely anchored appendages will wish that you jumped on board this train in its infancy.

Love and detachment 

Miss K  

Rage Level Maximus

Sometimes in life you just wake up on the wrong side of bed, on these days it doesn't matter what happens EVERYTHING will make you rage at the world, I'm having one of those days today. I contemplated stabbing myself in that fleshy bit near my collar bone just to get out of work and have a bit of a time out (I stopped though because that's a bit extreme and to do it I would have to ruin one of my favorite tattoos) but instead of such radical behaviour I have decided to vent my frustrations to the world, after all a problem shared is a problem halved. So here it is, my list of rages

Children - Specifically school children on public transport. I don't know why it isn't a thing here but I specifically remember there being signs on public transport in WA to say that if you were on a student ticket you HAD to stand up for adults. Those signs obviously do not exist here and as such school kids are always lounging in the seats that I, as a paying adult would like to sit in. I know I was brought up in a different time but are these children not taught manners and common decency? I even now as an adult stand up for people that are senior to me. Also why do teenagers smell so bad? I want to apologise to the world now for ever being a smell teenager.

Personal Trainers - Well specifically the personal trainer that my gym assigned me. I purchased 3 sessions to get me on the road to Bangdom (its the Kingdom where the people with Banging bodies live in case you weren't aware) and he kind of messed me around. I was all gung ho and ready to go but he kept changing my appointments or would show up late or wouldn't show up at all. He ended up giving me a few free sessions to make up for his dickheadness but it still left me feeling a little bit disgruntled, he is running a business, the customer should always come first and I just felt like I didn't. I probably wouldn't want to train me because I constantly told him that I hated him and this one time I accidentally maybe farted on his leg, but that stuff happens. Being a personal trainer would be like being a prostitute, sometimes you are just going to have to see clients that you don't like 

N.B I should probably make a disclaimer here, when we actually did train I got a lot out of it and can see huge differences in my body but it still would have been nice to be put first.

Slow Walkers - I live in a city that has a high number of tourists. I work in the city, I live close to the city and in the daily course of my life I encounter a million different people. Or should I say a million people that walk so god damn slow. You may not have anywhere to go but I most certainly do. I always appear to be rushing, either running off to that class at the gym that I am going to be late for and have the muscly instructor called Wendy yell at me (she looks like she could crush my skull like a walnut between her overly muscles thighs so I don't want to make her angry) or I am running to get something on my lunch break or I just want to get something to eat. I am slowed down daily by people that meander. I think there should be a blanket rule, no tourists on the streets before 9 in the morning and between 12 - 2 during the day. Business people are busy people. Get out of my Way. Or if you would like to walk slowly, or stop suddenly, don't do it in the middle of the walk way. My dad always used to tell me off for walking irradically and would push for me to keep left, I like this attitude. Everyone should adopt it  

Phone Junkies - This can be coupled with Slow Walkers, is your life really that important that you cant put your phone away for 5 minutes to get from point A to point B. When you have your head down you have no idea on what is going on around you and that probably means that you are pissing off the world. Also at the GYM!!!! What the fuck are you thinking? I don't care if you need to swipe left to some hot bitch on tinder (is that the way you swipe? I have never tindered) between sets on the lat machine but I have a work out to do and I do not have time to wait for you to check your face book, take a selfie and text your bitches. I am sure that it can wait for an hour. Just the other day I was doing weighted walking lunges (my most hated exercise in the universe) and this girl was on her phone and walked straight into me and sent me toppling over unceremoniously with my 4kg hand weights clattering loudly to the floor. What if I was trying to look sexy and pick up? she would have totally ruined my mojo.

Gym Dickheads - this can fall into a lot of boxes, machine hoggers, excessive sweaters, phone users, selfie takers, generally just people that have no regard for what is going on around them. We are all there for the greater good and good on us for finding our 30 but maybe lets have a little bit of consideration. Share the machines, wipe up your sweat, put the equipment back, leave your phone in your locker. Don't be a dick head. Plain. Simple. As Nike would say, Just Do It (and by it, I mean not being a cock smoker)

Lose Fat fast advertisements - WHY!!!! How does facebook know that I was once obese? well for your information facebook I have lost 18kg this year and I am feeling fantastic and not fat so you can keep your lying advertisements to your self. I am also constantly plagued with thoughts of who actually falls for these advertisements. I saw one the other day of a lady that was pregnant and then 10 weeks later she was skinny and had lost 700 pounds, SHE HAD A FUCKING BABY THATS WHERE ALL HER WEIGHT WENT AND I AM PRETTY SURE THATS A DIFFERENT PERSON ANYWAY. What kind of person would actually look at this picture and be fooled by the persons miraculous weight loss? Certainly not me and I am upset with Facebook that first they profiled me as fat AND THEN they insulted my intelligence by thinking I would go along with the stories they are trying to spin me. 

That Fucking Banging Noise from Upstairs - I live in a small Apartment complex of 8 units, every night at about 7oclock banging starts from upstairs. Its kind of like the banging that you would hear if you bounced a cricket ball against the wall repeatedly. This goes on for about 10 - 15 minutes in a non rhythmic pattern and then stops, I always thought it was maybe a small child that wouldn't go to sleep but I have never seen any children coming in or out of my complex (not to say that there aren't children there, maybe there are and they are being held captive and the banging is trying to get my attention so I come and rescue them. Well too bad, you'll need to bang louder and more frequently than that). At 7 o'clock its annoying but last night it started at 10 o'clock and went until about 10.13!!!!! I was trying to sleep and I very nearly put on my slippers and dressing gown and marched up there to give them a piece of my mind. 7 o'clock is an inconvenience, 10 o'clock is a crime against humanity.

Fading Hot Water -  When I first moved into my apartment I never had any problems with my hot water, it did a Rheem, it came on steady hot and strong, but lately it has been a bit lack luster. While standing minding my own business and contemplating the universe the hot water just cuts out and I am shrouded in jets of ice water. I think that it might be my neighbours conspiring against me because they hate me, maybe they have a toilet flushing schedule or a washing machine revolution just to make my life difficult. I am a simple creature, I just want a hot shower with out swear words. It shouldn't be too much to ask.

Paperclips -  the bain of all office workers I would hazard a guess, or it could just be one of my triggers. I find them to be untidy and the way that they catch everything in their path and pull the papers apart or just fling off into the distance when put under the slightest bit of duress, or the way that they join together to hinder my paper collating process. I feel that the stapler and staple removed is a much better invention.The only good paperclip is a dead paper clip, or one that you have folded into a love heart to make someone smile. I did that the other day, that was a nice paperclip.

Phheewwwwww, now breath. I possibly feel slightly better about venting. I have also realised that maybe I am a very cranky angry old lady and I should make steps to rectify that. I have started taking Body Balance Classes, its like a mix of thai chi, palates and yoga and its meant to be really calming. We do this arm movement water flowing bullshit and its meant to calm you down.... I might just start doing that movement when ever I want to punch the world in the throat.... its gotta be worth a try at least.Or maybe I should just become a hermit and live in a cabin in the woods where I am away from people.... actually not I come to think of it that's the best way. Hold my mail, I might be gone a while.

Love and Rage Quits 

Miss K