Monday, 21 April 2014

A crazy little thing called love

A friend suggested that I write a post about love because after all I am some what of an expert on this topic, what with all of the romance novels that I read and the fact that I am partial to a bit of that RomCom action, so here it is, my post on love. The Good, the bad and the reasons that I cant make it work

The Unrequited Love

This is the kind of love where you love someone and there is a great chance that they have no idea that you exist or they just look at you like "friends". You pine after them, you dream about them and you would do anything just for them to notice you. My first love (and unrequited love) was a boy called Terry Arnold, I was in Year 1 and he most certainly was the bees knees. My first love turned into my first heart break (as is always the way) and the soul crushing moment came when he was unable to come to my 6th birthday which was being held in the plane at Midland Maccas (yeah I was kinda balla as a child. I had a rats tail). I was heart broken before I knew what heart break was. I loved him and he never even knew I existed. I guess I kinda dodged a bullet there though, he turned out to be short and I turned out to be tall and who knows what that would have done to our children.

The Friend Kinda Love

I have this terrible habit (as I am sure many people do) of falling in love with my friends, well maybe its not love but its some sort of lust and deviancy but really this makes sense when you think about it. Your friends are good looking, clearly you like their personalities otherwise they would be your friend. So it seems only natural for me to fall for them and think about them romantically. Normally this is just a secret shame I hide from everyone because there is a unspoken rule of "You Don't screw the crew" and they probably wouldn't like me anyway.

The Grass is Green Love

This is the kind of love that exists for things that are outside you own relationship. It might be looking at a friends relationship and thinking that its perfect and that's what you want. Let me let you in on an inside secret here, It may look perfect but in reality it probably isn't. When Ikea Flat Pack and I broke up everyone was shocked because we were the "Fairy Tale" couple and yeah on the outside we were but no one saw what was going on behind closed doors.

When I was in school I remember clearly going back on the first day of term and hoping that there would be a new kid, someone new and exciting to play with that has different stories and someone that will give me the chance to be cool again (I know its hard to comprehend but I wasn't cool as a child. I was forced to wear a lot of skivvies). Is this not the way that we look at dating as adults? We may be happy in what we have, but we are always looking for that bit of excitement and newness.

The Settler

You're with someone, you have been with them for a while and things are comfortable and if you are going to admit it, things have kinda lost their spark. You stay because its familiar, its easy and don't they always say "Better the Devil you know". Oh don't get me wrong, you are happy, but you are always questioning in the back of your mind if there is someone else out there. Here is an insider tip, you aren't doing anyone any favours by hanging around. All you are doing is delaying the inevitable and robbing yourself of the opportunity to actually find something that means anything. Or worse still you could hang around and live a life of regret and what ifs. Let me tell you, What If is the most soul destroying question you will ever face.

The Lust/Fillers

These are those ones that fill in the gaps between the moments of meaning. They are there, you have some attraction and you are content with that. They don't really mean anything and you will probably not remember their names in 10 years time. Everyone wants to feel special and important, i understand this and those fillers can do this for us. I wish that I could give you a hilarious example of this but like I said, they really don't mean much on the grand scheme of things and I have probably forgotten the details.

The Forbidden

this is the kind of love that you feel you need to hide, you are worried about what people will think, or the people that will get hurt by it so you keep a lid on it. I am a big believer that if you have to hide it from people then you know its something that you shouldn't be doing. I was always taught to be truthful, people i think should remember this. People will generally get over it and I can 100% guarantee that they will be more upset when they find out that you have lied to them.

The Hollywood Fairy Tale

As strange as it is, I honestly believe in the Hollywood Fairy Tale kind of love, its that kind of love that takes your breath away and even if you have only seen someone an hour before you still miss them and are excited to see them. Its the kind of love that every girl dreams of, her knight in shining armour riding up on his big white horse and sweeping her off her feet and riding into the sunset with her in his arms. I think that this is the type of love that every person is aiming for in every relationship that they enter. And while I think that it most certainly exists I also believe that its a very rare and beautiful thing. It connects on all levels of intimacy and its really enough to make everyone around you sick. Its maybe the love that Taylor Swift would sing about (before the subsequent break up and berating song)

So what do all of these love types have to do in practical application to me? At one stage or another I have been involved in all of the above types of "loves" but they have all been fleeting adventures. I have sometimes wondered why that is and have come to this conclusion, I have always been told that like seeks like and this is probably pretty bad for me because I am someone that finds it really difficult to settle, so then I am always seeming paired with people that aren't able to settle either. I have been thinking about the reasons that I find it so difficult to settle down and actually open myself up to someone else and this is what I have come up it. 

I fear being alone - I know this one sounds like a bit of a contradiction but I'm scared of being with someone because I am scared of being alone. If I am alone without having loved anyone I am OK with this because it is the existence that I have created for myself, BUT if I let someone in and then they leave me I will be alone and heart broken with no one to fix me. Is it not then easier just to not put myself in that position in the first place?

I fear that it might actually work out - this is fucking stupid and even I know that, but I am scared about getting into a relationship because it might actually work out. Every little girl wants her fairytale happily ever after but I have never been involved in ANYTHING that has lasted so I just don't understand how that works.  Very early on in the piece with the Army Brat I remember thinking "Wow this may be the most amazing thing that I have ever been part of, I don't know how to deal with this" I was constantly second guessing myself and looking for cracks that weren't there because I just couldn't think for the life of me why someone this perfect would want to be with me. Sure enough it did fail and I went back to fear number one. I am so used to things not working out that I don't think that I am capable of knowing what it feels like if things were to work out. There is a high possibility that I sabotaged what I had because I didn't know what I was doing. 

I fear that I am too broken and damaged - I was told the other day that I was damaged, I don't think it was meant in a bad way but I guess he was right, I am a little bit damaged. Life's circumstances have a way at eating away at your ok'dness and that's what happened to me. While I am trying to deal with my issues and make myself better I am not really in a position to help deal with anyone elses issues and after all that's what relationships are about. I am always worried that I am so damaged that there is really no hope of coming out of it. Who would buy the broken toy off the shelf when you can get a shiny new one in its box for the same price?

So I guess I have come to the realisation that it is me. I am the reason that all my relationships fail, after all I am the lowest common denominator in all of these equations. I've been presented in life with amazing boys that are perfect boyfriend material but it would seem that I am just never happy or unhappy to settle for just happy. I guess I am not a settler and I am always looking for that something bigger and better and the next bright adventure. As my dad always says, on the grand scheme of things, these boys don't really matter. All it takes is one to help you forget and every love that you have is just preparing you for the love that is to come. We learn a lesson from all the people that we meet so take the lesson and the love and move forward. Who knows, that next one may just be your Prince Charmimg... 

Love and Loving 

Miss K 

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