Hygiene Hard Limits

Whilst on a trip to Perth recently I was enjoying the afternoon sunshine with my friends when we got onto the topic of a certain housemates ex girlfriend who I didn't really see eye to eye with. I mentioned that when ever she would stay at our house we would go through double the amount of toilet paper and triple the amount of soap and I just couldn't figure it out. I have this theory that she used the toilet paper to build herself a nest and maybe she ate the soap because really, I cant comprehend where else it might have gone. On making this comment my friend was disgusted that I shared soap with people because this was were germs come from. Please come on this germ ridden path with me as we delve further into this conversation and touch on Hygiene hard lines. 

Soap

It only makes sense to start at the beginning with the issue that first sparked the whole debate. I've never really thought about it but apparently sharing soap is unhygienic  We use it to rub all over our bodies and if we share it then someone else will be rubbing it on their bodies as well. When I said I was OK with sharing soap my friend was disgusted because "you stick soap up your bum" after the laughter had died down I let her know that I have never stuck the soap up my intimates but instead soap my hand and then go to brown town (sorry that one even grossed me out) or I choose to use a wash that is specifically designed for this area. It just never crossed my mind to be grossed out by it. If you are going to share soap at least have some soap sharing etiquette. Once you are done make sure your rinse it off and remove any hairs that may have strayed onto it and maybe refrain from sticking it up your bum crack. Everyone can be happy then. 

Is sharing soap ok?

Toothbrushes

I have this terrible habit of always forgetting my tooth brush when I go home to visit my dad so I am always forced to open the bottom draw of the bathroom and retrieve a new one to use for the duration of my stay (it also saves on my shopping bill as well), I guess this really isn't always an option for everyone. When I was 19 I remember being asked by one of my friends if he could borrow my tooth brush because he had forgotten his and I was appalled. Toothbrushes are sacred. I wouldn't want to share something that has been used to clean up someone's death breath. Death Breath comes from Bacteria. I have seen those Petri dishes, I don't want my Petri and someone else's Petri to join together and form a  monster Petri army that takes over the world. I don't want to be responsible for this?!!!??

Is sharing Toothbrushes ok?

Toothbrush storage may also be something that we might need to touch on. If your bathroom is like mine your toilet and bathroom are combined. I had a friend who wouldn't leave his toothbrush in the bathroom because when ever he would flush the toilet, the poo particles would fly out of the toilet, engulf and overrun his bristles. He would then in turn put those bristles in his mouth, I guess that gives a new meaning to the phrase "eating shit". Is it safe to leave your toothbrushes unattended with your toilet? I guess no one remembers to put the toilet seat down all of the time. 

Is it ok to shit where you brush?

Sharing Food with Animals

Look I understand that some people look at their pets as children and some people take this a bit further than others. My cousin openly admits to sharing icecream with her cat. In my head all I can see is a Lady and the Tramp-esque scene with her licking one side and the cat coming in from the other side as they loving lock eyes with each other across the top of their iced confection. Does anyone else see the problem with this? While my parents taught me the importance of sharing, there has to be a limit. I once had a cat and one of her favourite past times was licking her bum (because really, if you could do it wouldn't you?). So in reality by sharing food with your cat (or dog) you are effectively licking your cats bum hole. I don't know how I feel about this. 

N.B This is the same person who wont share soap but thinks that sharing tooth brushes are ok. 

Is it ok to share food with your pets?

General Food Sharing 

Have you ever thought about how many chips you touch when you put your hand into a bag and are digging for that prized chip possession? It really is like a lucky dip in there, You have to touch a lot before you finally decide on the one that you want. My dear friend has thought about this more than most and as such will not share her chips with people. I guess this sharing food doesn't bother me as much as some people seeing that one of my favourite past times (probably only because I cant lick my bum and all) is to eat strangers food. I don't know them, I will follow them, take what I want and walk away herp free. It hasn't backfired.... Yet. Is food from the street different to food from the bag?

Is it ok to share food?

Sharing Undergarments

When I was a small child I remember having to wear a pair of my grandmas knickers (I probably did that little kid thing and pissed myself). They were so big that we had to tie them up at the side with a lacky so that they didn't fall off. This is probably the only time that I have worn someone else knickers and really the only time it would be acceptable (I did wear my sisters bra once, that was some hilarity right there, Trying to jam my D's into her barely there very padded A's but for the outfits sake it had to be done). The girls I work with all think its ok as long as your underwear is clean, I don't know if I agree. I am fully aware that my friends have clean "gardens" (or I certainly hope they do) but cross pollination should not be a thing. Wearing nothing is preferential to wearing someone's something else, and it can have its perks. That shit needs to be ventilated.

Is it ok to share your "smalls"?

General Washing and Cleanliness

When I moved out of my old house, I had to leave my favourite house mate and I was concerned for his welfare without me there to tell him not to eat things out of the bin and to remind him to change his clothes. I gave him a quick run down and it pretty much goes like this. 

Underwear - change it. Every day. No excuses. This goes for socks as well. Actually every time you have a shower or change your clothes. This one shouldn't even have to be mentioned. 

Sheets - Once a fortnight in winter and once a week in summer. There is nothing better than that feeling of clean sheets and if I went home with a  guy and he was questionable about the last time that he changed his bed linen I would not sleep with him. The first time I went home with Ikea Flat pack his room was filthy and his Ninja Turtles bed spread and sheets looked like they hadn't been washed since Ninja Turtles were cool. I didn't sleep with him there and in fact went home because I couldn't deal with it. Who knows how many other girls they have slept with on those festy sheets and worse still how many times they have "slept" with themselves. 

Towels - These should be done with the same frequency as your sheets (they can all go in the same load so it shouldn't be a hassle). When I asked my friends how often they wash their towels two of them replied with "When they are smelly". My mouth fell open. You shower to get clean so why would you redirty yourself by using a dirty towel. Stink is normally caused by bacteria.... Sometimes I don't even use a towel. I just run back and jump in bed to get warm. But this is ok because of the sheet washing routine I have. You could always just drip dry. 

Really for washing there should be no excuses. I have to carry my laundry a km to the laundry mat in the beautiful *cough* Melbourne weather and still manage to keep up my wash routine. If you don't have enough socks or jocks GOD DAMN IT, BUY SOME!!!!!!!

Is it ok to prolong washing?

I guess I grew up in an environment of germ disregard. The 10 second rule is necessity, I ate an M&M off the floor the other day and I have no idea how long it had been sitting there for - LEGIT. I am all for sharing soap, drink bottles and any other means of things and I have managed to make it to 30 without dying so really are we all over cautious about stupid things? How did the world survive before the Dettol No Touch hand wash system? For me Germs can be like Pate, I know its liver and a little bit gross but I choose to ignore it and think only about what suits my lifestyle (and taste buds) best. So germs, what germs? 

Love and Parasites 

Miss K 

This one time at a strip club...

Some people are of the opinion that paying women to take their clothes off is demeaning or sexist or any number of other adjectives, I would like to take this opportunity to say that you are all wrong and probably no fun (yep its out now, I cant take it back). Some of my most memorable nights have happened in the dark confines of adult entertainment clubs. Its about the peoples that you meet, the things that you see and the drinks that you share. But hey look, if I am anything, I am realistic and over the years some "interesting" things have happened, I guess that's why Forrest Gump was right, you never really know what you are going to get. Here is some of what I have gotten. 

That piddle - whilst frequenting a venue recently I excused myself from the group to go and use the ladies, while I was standing at the basin touching up my lipstick one of the entertainers came in and promptly stepped into a stall. I was always under the impression that closing the door was the norm when using public restrooms but obviously this stripper didn't get that memo and proceeded to empty her bladder right in front of my eyes. Its ok to see it as just a few flaps of skin but I don't want to see what its actually meant for. Jesus, I totally got more than what I bargained for there. 

That Outfit - As I have written about in previous posts way back when in 2010 I went through a bit of a mental downturn and as a result I lost a truck load of weight so I had this banging body thing going on (not tooting my own horn or anything). I stupidly let my mum decide on a dress that I bought and lets just say its an outfit that I probably don't want to revisit. I went to a hens night and then on to meet the bucks at the strip club, on walking into the venue more than one guy tried to give me money and take my hand and on looking shocked one young lad asked "Are you working tonight?". No mate I'm not working, my mum just dressed me like a stripper. 

Vinyl and lacing up??? Why did I listen 

That Prickle - to celebrate my one year anniversary of moving to the 'Burn we decided to go and check out another kind of burn by heading to the strippers. I managed to secure myself a free lap dance as I was celebrating a momentous occasion. The hottest stripper of them all came over to my chair and did her thing but the whole time all I could think about was 1. keeping my legs shut, I didn't want anyone to see my knickers and wasn't sure when my last wax was and 2. golly, her legs are prickly. I know that I am probably doing it wrong, if while a lady is rubbing her lady parts of me I focused on her prickly legs. Surely she would have gone to work knowing that she was going to rub up against someone, shit I shave my legs when I get a text for a guy, you know, just in case. I really shouldn't complain though because a free lap dance is a free lap dances and saves my downloads in the future.

That Familiarity - One hard and fast rule that I stick to when I go to these kind of venues is not to give money to girls that I know. I guess its about them being a person, I learnt this person lesson the hard way. I got cheeky one night and held my money between my teeth for the awaiting dancer to take. She straddled my lap, ripped the money out of my mouth and then kissed me. Well that one was a shock. Its weird when your mates make out with you isn't it? I like my strippers nameless and voiceless. It makes me feel less dirty about shoving money in their bits. 

That Comparison - I made the mistake one evening while watching the "talent" to proclaim that my rack was better than the girls on stage. What happened next is a bit of a drunken blur but it ended up along the lines of some guy fondling my bosom and me saying "See!!! I told you so", I found out at a later date that he went around telling all his mates that he felt up this hot chic.... yeah, that wasn't really a thing. More booze, less talking. That's always gotta be the answer. 

That $2 feeling - Up until my 29th birthday I had never been to a peep show, after some lovely Mexican the boys decided it was a great idea to pop my dirty $2 cherry. If you have never been to a peep show I will give you this one suggestion. NEVER TOUCH ANYTHING, you may forget the girls that you see but you will never forget that smell. Jizz filled tissues have that certain aroma. I have been back a few times just for curiosity and to take peep show virgins (I even took a date their recently) and I have recently learnt that the Friday night girl is not better than the Monday girl and that in 30 seconds a lot of things can go in a lot of places. Storing your dildo in the top of your ripped stay up stockings is also super attractive. Do it...

That "I don't come here often" - I have the most gorgeous best friend and I knew her for a while before we got to be besties. I saw her one night at the Voodoo lounge in Perth and on seeing me she quickly proclaimed "I don't normally come here, don't judge me". This is not an isolated occasion either, many a time I have run into people I know who claim that its not a regular occurrence. Lets just call this one what it is, its really just an appreciation for the female form and the enjoyment of the atmosphere. If you are doing the wrong thing remember where you saw me and I am as debaucherous as you are 

That Underwear - It sounds like a TV thing to do but sometimes I forget to put underwear on, I get distracted by booze or make up or that dog with a fluffy tail and going to the strippers has taught me the danger of this. For my 28th birthday I got given the gift of a life time, all of my friends threw in their spare cash to get me some gash*, this had been one of those  forgotten my underwear nights. I got to the taxi before realising and luckily turned to run back inside to remedy the situation. Thank goodness I chose my lacey finest as "The Gash" proceeded to pull up my dress, revealing my arse to everyone as she whipped me. I apologise for those patrons who got more than they paid for that night. Your mum was right, you should always wear clean underwear in case you get hit by a bus (or a really hot stripper wielding a belt)

* This Gash is probably the most perfect women in the universe. Pale skin, curvy body and the most intense eyes. She is so perfect that I cant speak with her, because speaking with her would make her a person and then I would have to stop objectifying her.

I guess you take the good with the bad, the whipping, the double teaming, the searing pain. Its all part of this roller coaster called life and debauchery. I am also really committed to keeping jobs in Australia, so while you may look at it as sleezy, I am looking at it as fuelling the economy. 

Love and Lights (dim ones of course)

Miss K