17 for 17

Going from 2015 in to 2016 I decided that I wasn't really going to do any resolutions because to be fair, who ever really sticks them and instead wrote a blog about my lack of a new years kiss and signed it off with a goal of not being a Jerk. Little did I know that there was going to be a turn of events on New Years Eve that made that blog kind of null and void and by kind of, I mean TOTALLY. And that was rad. So it got me thinking, if I could prophetically magic myself a new years kiss, why cant I magically profess myself a cracking 2017. Stranger things have happened. To give myself a fighting chance at success, it is probably important to go in to 2017 with a bit of a guide to better living. So here it is, my 17, kind of resolution with a hint of life lessons 

1. Be Kinder to myself - like fuck mate, I'm alright, I just gotta start believing it. We put some much emphasis on what other people think about us when really at the end of the day no one else really matters. If you need a reminder of how much you have actually grown and improved and become more beautiful go back and look at your Myspace. I am glad to say, the years have been kind to me. Though I still stand by the fact though, that my perm was great. Everyone loves a little bit of curly noodle hair 

2. Read More Books - I have always been a big reader but for the last 8 months I have been buried in piles of study books and haven't really had much time for normal literature. The end is in sight (hopefully, but I don't want to Jinx it) and when I am all done with my studies I am going to get back in to the books hard, so if you have any recommendations flick them my way 

3. Stop Chasing People - I joked the other day with The Smile about this and said that I was going to make it one of my New Years Resolutions to stop Harassing him so much and its probably actually something that I should use as a blanket approach to life in the new year. I am forever chasing people for attention, and after a while it gets to your self confidence, I am worth it and if they don't want to take the time to tell me that, then really, why should I bother.

4. Be more creative - with all my studies my creative endeavours have suffered. I haven't been writing or making Vlogs or colouring in or practicing my knitting that my nan spent so many pain staking hours teaching me. I need to get back to that. So if you can think of any topics you would like me to tackle, please let me know 

5.  Not get so fussed with the little things - If 2016 taught me anything it was that there is a whole heap of shit in the world and a mass of negativity, the more of this you take on, the worse your life is going to be. So I am going to make a conscious effort to not let it affect me 

6. Go on adventures - this year saw a lot of impulse decisions that turned out to be the best experiences of my year. I guess its kind of like, have car will travel. And travel we will

7. Meditate More - kinda hippy and new age but it actually makes a giant difference to my mental state. Breath in through your nose, out through your mouth, rinse and repeat. I got this.

8. Start Cooking - since living in my share house I have stopped cooking, now that I am going to be alone again soon I am going to get back in to it. I am actually not the worst cook in the world and have managed to get to 33 without giving myself food poisoning (other people have accidentally not been so lucky, sorry about those Chilli Mussels Ikea Flat Pack, I do still feel bad about it)

9. Stop Looking for Approval - I said to my dad a few months ago "are you proud of me?" and as much as I love him and want him to be proud of me, none of it really matters because I am proud of myself. I have achieved a lot this year through sheer hard work and determination and what any one else thinks of that really should be of no consequence.

10. Write down a positive EVERY DAY - when I lived with the Hippy House mate we had a happy wall, every day we would write down something good that happened to us or something that made us smile, and every time I walked past the wall I would stop and read all of the positive. Its time to focus on the little thing and the bigger picture will fall in to place

11. Buy a new Mattress - I am only making this a guide to better living because I have been saying it for like two years and haven't done it yet. Someone keep reminding me until I do it please... my back will thank you

12. Compliment People - a few words can make someones day... and that's a pretty strong power to have. You could create a smile that has a knock on positive effect in the world... that's pretty exciting right?

13. See more live Music - I used to go to gigs nearly every weekend and this year I think I saw one, I miss it and I miss the random people that you meet while you are out. I am going to change that

14. Grow some Herbs - mmmm Coriander. MMMMMMMM. And now I have a nice little Balcony to try my hand at Horticulture... pray for me, I am not good at plants 

15.  Tell people that I love them - people are so scared of these words, but you never really know when its going to be the last time you will see someone so I am sure as hell going to tell them I love them. Because I do, and everyone deserves to know that they are loved.

16.  Embrace confrontation - when I was younger I wouldn't back down from a fight, if you had wronged me, I would let you know that I didn't appreciate it, the older that I have gotten the less that is happening and its a pretty scary development. I need to start taking the power back and standing up for myself. Watch out if you cross me, in a nice way of course.

17. Smile More - pretty much yeah, that's about all I think you need in life. A smile can fix most things and you never really know when someone else needs one. And you know what the best part is, a smile is free

So lets see how this goes. And I have realised that it doesn't matter if I succeed, its about the effort I put in to making it work. Thanks to everyone who made my 2016 what it was and a thanks in advance to everyone that will make my 2017. I am blessed in the people I have in my life and you are part of my happiest memories. Lets go make some more!!!!

Love and 24K Magic Wishes

Miss K 

N.B I wanted to do a bit of a reflection on 2016 but I think like most people my 2016 was a bit of a bastard. It was the year for me of confusion and Wasting her time. I haven't seen my family in a year. Its been so long since I got laid that I am actually terrified of it now and all sorts of rubbish just kinda stacked up on me. But through it all I had amazing adventures, made a lot of new friends and came out the other end, a little bit bruised and battered but generally in one piece. I started an amazing new career which I am kicking arse at, met a guy who stole my breath the first time I saw him and gave me faith that things might be ok and that there are still gentlemen in the world (even if I am not with him). This year has had the Mantra of "Every day may not be a good one, but there is something good in every day". And I think I managed to get through most of it without being a jerk... so hey, I guess I was always winning if that was my bench mark. 

Grope-Nilla - a Year in the Life of a Lonely Vagina

So it appears at the start of the year I embarked on a spiritual journey, or at least that's what I am going to call it in and effort to make my situation appear less dire. My name is Kerry and it has been 11 months and 4 days since I had a sex. I am now in the longest drought of my sexual history and let me tell you, that's a strange feeling or phenomenon for someone that could have rightfully been called a slut in her younger days. 

But in the essence of truthful story telling, the year didn't start like that. I kicked off the year with some sex. I was thinking, wow this is brilliant, busting a nut in to the new year and starting off right, amazingly great sex with a guy that is so sexy that when he took his shirt off, I exclaimed "oh, get fucked" out loud. This was going to be an indication of the year to come. YES!!!!!! I was going to find my Mojo again and start slaying.... Ha. Ha. Lets all laugh at this one together, how wrong could I have been.

To be fair though, for the first couple of months I wasn't really interested, coming out of a pretty fucked up relationship meant that I was closed for business. I think I may have even stopped masturbating (Sorry for the drop in Battery sales Bunnings, don't worry though, I poured all that money in to the Sausage Sizzle out the front, so you still had my loyal patronage) and then this dude came along and I was like, yeah this could be a goer, we went on a couple of dates, my Vagina woke up and then he disappeared (and really I still have no bloody idea why, I am sure I will get to the bottom of it one day), but in his wake was a woken dragon with a thirst that needed quenching. So here it is, this is a year without sex...

A year without sex is: meeting a guy and flirting with him and then making an emergency trip to the waxer, you know, just in case 

A year without sex is: Keeping on getting waxed because you are still talking and flirting and maybe its going to happen soon 

A year without sex is: "it" not happening ( well clearly, because otherwise this Blog wouldn't need to be written)

A year without sex is: going on Tinder, not because you want random sex but because you might find a relationship that would enable you to do the sex 

A year without sex is: buying new lingerie to show "That Guy" just because he might be interested 

A year without sex is: buying MORE lingerie because it turns out that he doesn't like red. 

A year without sex is: wondering if I actually find someone attractive or is it just their beard that I am attracted to

A year without sex is: saying no to three separate guys whilst holding out for a guy that you think is special because you don't want to risk jeopardising it (hey guys, that guy appears to be a full stop no go, so like get back in contact with me, or something...) 

A year without sex is: having no one believe that YOU, of all people, cant get laid 

A year without sex is: wondering what the heck is wrong with me and if I may actually be a hideous swamp donkey 

A year without sex is: thinking that maybe I should lower my standards, because sex can just be sex right? And we are now at the stage that beggars probably shouldn't be choosers 

A year without sex is: every man and his dog trying to set you up (shout out to Heathy... I know how hard you have been trying. It will happen one day and when it does, you will be the first one to know)

A year without sex is: your doctor making a joke when you go to refill your pill prescription, because you live in hope and he is sure that it will happen for you one day.

So that's what the Drought is all about, I get that there are water restrictions but this shit is just out of control. Maybe I might take a new tact next year, plant some drought resistant plants and see if I have more success. 

Love and Not Getting any Loving 

Miss K 

N.B Shout out to that guy, he wins hands down for best sex I have had all year. And yes, technically its the only sex that I have had all year but I feel like he deserves a special mention  

N.B V2 Giant thanks for everyone who suggested names for this blog. Seriously I spent the whole of last night laughing. There were some very creative suggestions. My personal favourites are listed below 

Debbie Does No One 
50 Shades of Fuck All 
The Sad Beaver 
Forever Unboned 
Dried up and Crusty - A users Guide 
A Goodyear (from my Aunty Heather.. she always provides the Lols)
FIngerbang - No dick for Days