This is Depression

So here is something that not many people might know. I have depression, I tried to harm myself last year, I have a therapist called Tony and not everything is sunshine and light. I am so medicated that I now have a personality that resembles a rock. I am that 1 in 5 women and I am not ashamed to talk about it. This is what depression is to me 

Depression is... believing what other people say about you. Yes I am a fat ugly red headed bitch and I don't know how I got this far in life without realising. Every time someone tells me something nice your comment pops into my head like its a CD on repeat and drowns out everything else. 

Depression is... thinking that you are alone. I am lucky and I have lots of people in my life that would do anything for me but this demon in my head tells me that I don't. Why would someone want to be friends with me when I am so sad and down all the time? And what would I say to them anyway, how would I put into words the nothing blackness that I am feeling.

Depression is... nearly losing your job. When all you can do is cry and the moment someone looks at you or asks for something you crumble, people are going to start asking question. It doesn't matter that your work hasn't slipped because you are using it as a distraction, if your attitude isn't what it was, you are probably going to have one more thing to worry about.

Depression is... making other people worried. No one wants to know that you aren't as you were and of course they are going to react with concern. This doesn't mean you can lock them out to save them the stress, They stress because they care and at this moment you need people to care about you even if you don't want to admit it.

Depression is... no orgasms. Ever. This is a side effect of the anti depressants. Your sex drive will diminish and instead of an 8,5 in 2 minutes you will be lucky for a 3.2 after 40 minutes (or you will just give up due to fatigue). The idea of someone touching you borders on repulsion and if your "unicorn" shows up you probably couldn't even turn it on for him. And you know what, it doesn't even really seem to bother you that much.

Depression is... crying and then not crying at all. At the beginning I did nothing but cry, when I thought there was no way there could be any more tears I was proven wrong. But then the medication came and the tears went and even pulling out the big guys of Musfasa dying or The Note Book cant seem to bring them back.

Depression is... losing the ability to interact. If I don't reply to your text, ignore your phone calls or your chat window please don't take it personally. I am kind of enjoying this quiet stillness that is in my head. I have run out of words and think that everything I might say is going to be wrong. 

Depression is... losing your appetite. Food became the furthest thought in my mind. I would try to eat and I was sick, I started to lie about what I ate because it was easier than dealing with people telling me what to do. The weight fell off very quickly and everyone started to tell me how good I looked and how hard I was working. It was all a lie, I cheated, I didn't eat for three months, not because I didn't want to but just because I couldn't. I turned into a lolly pop head and I hated the way I looked. Only people from my past realised how serious it was. 

Depression is... not wanting to go to sleep. When you sleep, you dream and in my dreams all my problems that I have pushed to the back of my head come alive in brilliant detail. I remember you, I remember the way you smell and the dimple in your cheek and the way you smiled when I kissed you behind your ear. All of those things I want to forget I remember in my dreams. 

Depression is... not being able to get out of bed. In bed its warm and its quiet and its calm and its only you. In bed you can block out the world for just that little bit longer. In bed you can rest to try and make up for the missed sleep from the night before. 

Every day gets better and that little bit easier to deal with. I'm mostly eating and sleeping like the old days and my head looks less like a lolly pop (and I am much happier in my skin because of it). A few years ago I wrote a post about depression and I said that it was always going to be there waiting under the surface and that's the truth, it sneaks up on you when you aren't looking and ties an anchor around your ankles. My advice is to do what ever you can to fight it, life may not seem worth it at the moment but it will be, I promise. People love you, people think you are beautiful and people think you are worth it so when ever you dont feel like you are these things, be sure to believe them when they tell you. 

Love and Lexapro 

Miss K 

I wrote this at the start of my journey... its getting better now. 

N.B - If you are struggling visit http://www.beyondblue.org.au and your doctor to help you out. You are important, your mental health is important and should always come first. ALWAYS.