Tall Girl Problems

Dear Fashion,

You are an arsehole.

Sincerely Tall Girls of the World

Unless you are a tall girl you are not going to understand the significance of the above letter to the fashion industry. Everyone always comments that it must be great to be tall but let me give you the inside 4-1-1, life at these lofty heights are not all that its cracked up to be. My dad was tall, standing at a little over 6 foot 3 inches. My mum is tall, standing somewhere in the vicinity of 5 foot 9 inches. So it pretty much goes without saying that I was going to be tall as well, At just a touch under 5 foot 10 inches of awesome, I stand above most women... and sadly a whole heap of men as well. Welcome to the world of being tall

You know that really cute play suit that you saw in the window and that everyone is wearing this season? Well you can forget right about that unless you want the world to see your vagina. You have too much body and there just isn't enough material to span the distance. Shorts and a cute top is going to have to do you.

That tall guy that you have your eye on has probably already been taken by that tiny bitch that stands 5 foot tall while on a box. It appears that people don't "Shop" within their own ranks and are taking things from the top shelf when they should really just reach for products with in their own eye level.It didn't appear to be a problem for me when I was in Perth and tall men where in abundance, but here in Melbourne where there is less sunlight it doesn't appear that the men remembered to grow.

And while we are talking about taking things off shelves, as a taller person, people will use you. Yes I will get that can off the top shelf for you, anything to make you take your tiny little hands off me. See they think its ok to ask me to get them things but would it be ok for me to ask them to get that tinned good that is sitting on the bottom shelves? I think not

High Heels are a mine field, I personally love them but apparently when I wear them people think I am intimidating. Its not nice to look down on people but standing at over 6'2 in my favourite heels I don't have much of a choice. Also something to think about is photos with friends, I hope you have been practicing your squats because if you don't, only your boobs will be in the photo. I have also realised that not everyone likes having boobs in their face, as great as my boobs are.

People will get upset if you pat them on the head, but wanting to do it isn't actually your fault. Its a well known fact that small things are generally cuter (think puppies and kittens) and when things are cute you want to pat them. I learnt that lesson the hard way. I would like to make a formal apology to that short caramel coloured guy who worked at Waves in Belmont Forum who I patted at the Lookout circa 2001/2002. My sister still laughs about it.

Stay Up stockings are sexy AND a necessity, I think I have written about it before but unless you wear knickers on the outside of your stockings as well as the inside, that shit ain't going to stay up and let me tell you, having a stocking crotch around your knees isn't going to turn anyone on. You have two options 1. footless tights OR 2. stay ups.

Ankle Hugger jeans are in fashion this season and this may be the one and only thing that fashion has given us a break on. Its difficult to find jeans that reach all the way to the ground. Don't even get me started on dresses and skirts. Despite how the fashion industry make clothes, I am nearly 100% sure that the world does not want to see my Vagina.

Remember the movie Elf, where Will Farrel tries to sleep in that little bed in the elf village? (or there is a high chance that never happened and I made that up), well that's what its like for me if I sleep in anything smaller than a queen. Its rather unfortunate for me that when I first moved to Melbourne I lived in a room as tight of a squeeze as a Nuns... umm, so I only had the option of a Double bed. Lucky I am all about forever single and can star fish the shit out of my mattress. I may be unloved but I certainly don't want my mattress to feel that way so I lay all over it.

You are a beacon in the crowd... and try being a beacon with flaming red hair. You will be targeted as the "gap" to get through in a crowd. You may think that this is preposterous but I find it hard to believe that I am ALWAYS standing in the walkway. ALWAYS.

Transportation is problematic, its not just midgets that need to get places and I think the people that design seating on all modes of public transports forget this. Have you ever been on a Bus or a Budget airline and had your knees shoved into the back of the seat in front of your and if that passenger moves their seat your legs instantly go up into your ears? The struggle is real people, oh it is real.

Have you heard that saying, the bigger they are the further they fall? Well think about leg day and using the toilet. There is no lowering, there is just aim and fall and hope for the best. If I was smaller in stature the fall wouldn't be so far

So if you are short and think life is greener in the larger paddock... let me tell you, its not all sunshine and roses up here. You enjoy your tall men and your high heels, but watch it, I might have to pat you just to keep you in your place.

Love and Length

Miss K

The Birds and The Bees - For Men

I have seen a lot of doodle in the past, no surprise there I hear you say, and do you know the best sex I have ever had? it wasn't with the one with the biggest most beautiful penis (Yes Penis can be beautiful, I can send you a photo if you like and Yes ladies he is single) but the best sex came from an average, heavily fore skinned selfish lover, for the simple fact that I loved him. He never made me orgasm and the one time he went down on me I had to stop him to ask what he was doing (thinking outside the box is not the correct answer in this situation, Just FYI). For women it is about the connection that is attached to it (Yes even women like me that are devoid of feelings). From all my dealings with men I have realised that sex is something different to each of the sexes, So fellas here is the stuff that maybe your mum didn't tell 

- We do not need to orgasm for it to be fun. The act of sex feels good, having the weight of a man on top of you and smelling his rough manliness is a good time. Kissing is fun, laughing is fun. All of those things that make up a good bought of intercourse are fun and by making it all about Orgasm you are taking the fun away.

- It is not a competition, you are not in a race with the last guy I was intimate with. Do not compare your penis to his or the fact that he made me orgasm every time because you are fighting against a ghost (Granted that your comparison is probably my fault for showing you his picture and telling you that he did)

- It might come as a shock but despite what you think and what we say, we are generally fucking you for your personality

-  Realistically I can guarantee that I am going to be better at giving me an orgasm than you are so if you cant do it, who cares.

- We don't care about your cock, generally they do much of the same thing and yes we would have seen bigger and we probably have seen smaller as well. Its not the size its how you use it (or what you do to make up for what you lack in size)

- Sex is a game, keep it fun. The more you stress about not coming or about us coming the less fun everyone is going to have.

- Just like you don't see our flaws we don't see yours, so act with confidence because that is sexy.

- Don't make it all about us, that intense look you get in your eye when you are hell bent on trying to make us orgasm is creepy and counter productive. We are not a puzzle to solve.

- If we have had sex with you, we are pretty much  acquainted with your body so why are you trying to cover it up? If you are in the shower who cares if I see you, why put clothes back on as soon as the act is finished? Jesus I have probably had your doodle in my mouth.... seeing it isn't  going to suddenly make me run away. Own who you are and if you want to do a wind mill with it to make us laugh, so be it. I will say it again. SEX IS FUN!!!!!!

- Don't lose weight or try to get fit in the effort to attract a mate, do it because you want to build your confidence and health. Everything else is just a bonus. And the way that I think about it is if someone has only gone home with me for my body then I have gone home with the wrong person

- Not all girls want a bronzed Greek god in their bed. Me personally I like chubby guys because there is more cushion for the pushing or something like that. Softness is nice.

- Women don't care about a marathon man. Generally speaking if you last for too long we are going to do our best to hurry you up (trust me, all girls have their tricks to make you finish). In my experience men are worried about lasting for ages, guys here is a tip from me, quickies are great,

- Just because we do something for you, doesn't mean that we expect something in return. Just like you enjoy pleasuring us, we enjoy pleasuring you as well. That quick gobbie I give you while the  Pizza cools down or we are waiting to meet your friends for dinner, that is my gift to you. I like to see you squirm and I want to be on your mind. Just let me have that. Its OK to be selfish.

I am no way considering myself to be the sexual oracle but I am speaking from what I have experienced and the guys that I have encounted. Maybe now I am getting older I look at things differently and put more weight in feelings than I do in "feeling". I say no more often than I used to so by following these simple tips, guys can guarantee that my next encounter is going to tick the boxes. Obviously this isn't all about me and you can take my advise and use it for your ladies as well, or everything I have said could have no relevance but at least it might give you something to think about, If in doubt, talk it out. Pay attention to her body language and her reactions and don't make it an Ego thing. There are many different ways to make a taco, it doesn't matter how you put it together, its going to taste delicious in the end. 

Love and Ladies 

Miss K  

Forgive me father, for I have sinned

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I Jay walk, daily, sometimes twice daily. The long arm of the law has no place in my life 

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I fart in lifts just as I am getting out so the people getting in have to fester in my delightful stench 

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I steal my neighbours junk mail 

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I will eat a grape from a bunch that I am wanting to buy at the supermarket even though its stealing. 

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I smell my clothes to check their cleanliness before I wear them if I cant remember they last time they were washed

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I read strangers texts on the tram to try and find some excitement in my life 

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I sit on the toilet and pick my nose if I feel like I need it. There really is nothing better than digging for gold

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I will hide in clothes racks while out shopping so I don't have to speak to people I don't want to speak to 

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I made a guy face the wall while I finished his work for him because he was a non performer and I don't even fell guilty about it 

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I show other people the dick pics that I get sent so we can all laugh at their man hoods together. I showed a nurse, she thinks you have herpes 

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I cyber stalk the new girlfriend and sit with my friends saying terrible things about her in an effort to feel better about myself

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I write tell all damaging blogs about people and don't change their names because I think it is funnier that way 

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I use my clothes as a hand towel instead of using hand dryers because they make me feel dirty and sticky 

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I did a fart last night that sounded like the roaring of the lions in "The Circle of Life" and I laughed for 10 minutes straight, and then I texted everyone about it because I was so impressed with it.

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I get a moment of pride when I use the toilet at work hours after my original visit and still see the spoils of my toils 

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I wonder how some people get boyfriends while I am single 

Forgive me father for I have sinned, I am a filthy loud mouthed human and I understand that for all of the above there is a special place in hell set out just for me 

Love and Hail Marys 

Miss K 

Rage Level Maximus V2 - Return of the Rage

Last year I took you on an initial journey of ragedom and over the last few days I have realised that more and more things are driving me to distraction and increasing the urge to stab people in the throat with the sharpened point of my stiletto. I am coming in to my 32nd year and maybe this is when grumpy old lady syndrome kicks in, I will be sitting on my balcony howling at the moon and throwing my cats at people before I know it. In case the police are called, here are my triggers and so you all know, I am going to plead insanity.... 

Whistlers - Everyone thinks they are good at whistling, news flash I would rather Blumpkin that listen to the high pitched out of tune whine noise that is coming out of your tooth cave. And if you don't know what a blumpkin is you should look it up to know how serious I am.  Just don't, no whistling. EVER. And if you do it in the work place, just a friendly reminder, I know where the box cutters live.

People with Bad Work Ethic - I have a very busy job, when I started there were four people and now there are two and our work loads have increased so I really don't have time to scratch myself. This in no way is complaining, I much prefer to be busy because it keeps my mind occupied and my days seems to fly by. And by no means do I think that I am the model employee but at least I try. I work with some people that see to have run out of steam the minute they walk in the door in the morning. Everything is a struggle and they will let you know this every time that they are asked to do something. If you are so busy, how prey-tell do you have time to sit browsing the Internet? You might think that you are hiding it by making the window small in the bottom corner of your screen but when you don't move for an hour you kind of give yourself away. How can someone live their whole life with no ambition? I work somewhere that if you show promise they will foster that. I just don't get people. One day I am probably going to snap and say something that I cant come back from, but FAKE busy shits me. 

Talking Slowly - here is a little known fact about me, I have exceptional hearing, like above average and stuff. I think this is due to my terrible terrible eye sight so it all kinda comes out in the wash maybe. English is also my first language. If you are telling a story you don't need to slow your words down to double line spacing so I am able to comprehend it. I am suuurrrreeeeee you have a point, so please for the love of god GET TO IT!!!!!  I don't have a good attention span, so if you talk for too long or too slowly I am going to forget what you are trying to say, get bored and think of ways to kill you. There is building suspense and then there is building a death wish, you need to choose the happy medium.

Clock Watchers -  5.29 bags packed and ready to spring out the door the minute the clock ticks over. WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU!!!!! Fuck man I want to go home as much as you do but if I am in the middle of something I am going to finish it so that I can start fresh in the tomorrow. Home time is not the fucking Cinderella story, you are not going to turn into a fucking Pumpkin!!!! Goshhhhhhhhh.

Cryptic Messages - Being single in this day and age is pretty tough and I don't think I need to tell you guys that, gone are the days of pulling petals off a flower with he likes me / he likes me not to find out if the one you are crushing is crushing on you.  Why don't people just say what they mean??!!!!????? It would solve so many problems. If you aren't interested say it, if you are interested man the fuck up and put on your big kid pants and say something. Yeah its scary but that's what makes it worth it. I am so sick of sitting here having no idea what the fuck is going on. Here is another news flash, I am so shy that even being near a guy I like makes me a mute retards and even I try. 

Tales of an Ex - I don't know if this one makes me more angry or more upset but I am over everyone telling me what my ex is up to. Yeah I know that he has a new girlfriend, yeah I know that he has blocked and deleted a lot of my friends, yeah I know that he is a good guy, yeah I know that they are in love, yeah I know all of this. Just shhh about it OK. Its pretty hard to hear that someone has moved on and loves someone else when you are still struggling to find your feet. You don't even need to tell me that my boobs are better than hers because shiii son, not many girls beat me in the mammary game so she has no hope. I just want to forget either of them exist and I'm sure their wedding will be wonderful.

Yapping Dogs - The next door neighbours have just gotten a dog or they are babysitting a dog or dog. Anyway this thing doesn't seem to have an off switch and my neighbours don't seem to notice. It barks ALL night for hours and hours on end and they are oblivious. I haven't slept properly in weeks because of it and the nice note (which was actually nice, no lies) that I put in their letter box seems to have had no affect. I am not for harming animals but my resolve is being tested. 

Smokers - Actually that may be a bit broad of a statement, you can smoke all you like but I hate when it impacts on me and the comfort of my life. I live on the first floor of a nice apartment block, old mate downstairs Angus (who we thought was Gay but actually has a girlfriend) is a smoker, and a heavy one at that. He sits on his balcony and smokes cigarette after cigarette to the point where I cant have my balcony door open because my house wreaks of smoke if I do. There is a clause in all rentals called Quiet Enjoyment and I think this crosses this line. At least he likes to mix it up a bit though, sometimes he smokes Pot. What a lovely smell to go to sleep to, who needs incense when you have that?

Gosh, I probably should stop, my head is now overflowing with quietly simmering rage, I am currently sitting in the Laundromat doing my adult duties and I am sure that the people in here doing the same don't deserve for me to explode and shoot angry guts and hateful words all over them. They are just trying to go about their business and they probably don't realise that talking overly loudly on their phone, standing in the door way smoking or eating that packet of chips with their mouths open are triggers for me. Its like that movie where the kids sees dead people, he can see them and sometimes they don't even know they are dead. I can see these people and they don't even know that their existence makes me angry, who am I to burst their bubble. 

Love and Blood Lust 

Miss K 

Things not to do in 2015

I was sitting on the tram on the way home from doing grocery shopping the other day and it dawned on me everything that was wrong with the equation. Earlier this week I wrote a guide to better living for 2015 and I think that it is only fitting to now write a list of what not to do in 2015 to make my life better. So here they are, things I am going to try and stop in the one five

Shopping Hungry - I think we are all a little bit guilty of this one, we know how it goes, we pop into the shop to buy some milk and bread and come out with 3 crayfish, a block of cheese shaped paper and a small Asian child. We get home and realise that we have forgotten our bread and milk and don't really have anything worth eating. This year I am going to take the time to put something in my stomach before I go to the shop to find other things to put in my stomach. I have never been good at will power so simply going in and getting what I started out to get is a some what unrealistic goal if I am hungry. 

Buying Green Bags - I am all for doing my bit for the environment and I like the sturdiness that a green bags provides but I have enough to build myself a green bag fortress. If you fail to plan you plan to fail and that pretty much sums up every time I go to the shops. With living the inner city life I don't have a car which means I generally pop to the shops on a whim and that means I am generally unprepared with my bags. I actually might go back to Coles On line because then I am killing these top two donts with one dial up of the internets. 

Eating Toast - Toast should be a breakfast food, or a sometimes lunch food, it shouldn't be a dinner food because I am too lazy to make anything else. I am a good cook, I have Jamie's 15 minute meals book on my shelf, heck it only takes 6 minutes to microwave a potato. Stop taking the easy way out.

Not Opening my Mail - Its kind of the theory that if you don't acknowledge it, it doesn't exist. I come in, throw my mail on the counter, take my pants off and forget about the world. I am going to start opening AND reading my mail. I could have won a million dollars and I wouldn't know because I am to something something to open them.

Texting Bitches - well technically I never have texted bitches but I am meaning texting first and chasing fellows for attention. I am going to start the treat them mean keep them keen mantra. Its going to do wonders for my confidence. Also drunk texting. No more drunk texting. Drunk Kerry is bad.

Putting Money before Health - I am broke, I don't deny that but I am always using having no money as a reason to not put my health first. Doctors, dentists, physios etc cost money but I am worth the investment. If you feel good, you look good and when I look good the world is good. 

Hitting Snooze - My snooze cycle is 10 minutes, in that time I could put on some face, make some breakfast or strap on my gym shoes and get burning some calories. I might try and get the Little Britain "You Fat Shit" as my alarm tone to motivate me to get up and get moving. 

Ignoring my Bank Account - If I don't look, I have money. Simple. Or not so much. I need to start looking and being accountable for my spendings. Come on, its the year 2015 and I am going to be 32 in a few months, I really shouldn't be scared of those $$$.

So there you are, things that I am going to try not to do in 2015. I am so far doing well in my other resolutions so I think Ive got this.  

Love and Oh Noes 

Miss K 

Resolutions to Remember for 2015

As we roll into 2015 wearing futuristic clothes and riding around the street on Hover boards I was going to take this time to reflect on the goals that I set myself at this time last year but after doing a quick browse back over them I realised that I didn't do very well in following through with what I set out to do. I found love and lost it again, I got into shape and stayed there and was a bit more selfish than I used to be but other than that I think that maybe I forgot that these were my resolutions. Even though today is really just another day and the only change is the date I am going to try and write another set of suggestions to live my life by, maybe this year I will print them out and stick them up where I can see them so that I don't forget what I have set out to do. So here they are, things to work towards in 2015

Get better Posture - my dad constantly tells me to stand up properly. I am a solid 5'10 and I should show this to the world. Also if you have better posture your boobs look bigger and that is always a good goal to aspire to have. I look at tall women in the street and think how beautiful they are when they are standing up strongly, I want people to look at me like that.

Stop saying Cunt so much - I don't know how this one happened but the C Bomb may have become the most commonly used word in my vocabulary in 2014, it replaced the filler words of "like" or "umm" if you will. The besties boyfie always tells me that boys would be much more interested in me if I didn't say it so much so I am going to give it a crack. I don't think I am ready for it to go cold turkey but I can handle this like a pack a day smoker tackles quitting, slowly whittle it down one cunt at a time until I don't need it any more.

Call my Nan more - I am not afraid to say that my nan is one of my favourite people on the whole planet. She inherited us when I was about 10 years old and she has loved me and hugged me and listened to me cry over boys and fed me lollies and been the most amazing nan that anyone could ask for. She doesn't judge me or my life choices and supports me 100%. It is easy to forget about these people in the busy life that we lead, but in 2015 I am going to try and remember her more and pick up the phone. You never really know how long you have left to show someone that you love them so I don't want to waste any of that time. 

Stop being so hard - I was sitting in the shed one day with my dad while he was changing the brake pads on my sisters car and we were having a discussion about some life issue and he looked and me and said "you are a hard women" and this has stuck with me for the last few years and constantly pops up in my head. I am hard and I will admit that, it takes a lot to crack my shell and I will cut people off at the drop of a hat because of a feeling. I am always told that I cut things to early, so maybe for 2015 I am going to give myself some more leeway. Surely everyone in the world isn't out to get me so I probably should give them a chance. Go into the world with an open heart and great things will come to you. I hope. I am always black and white, maybe its time to let in some grey.

Write More - This was one of my goals for last year and I did well it for about half of the year and then I just seemingly fell of the edge of the world. See the thing with me is that when I am not feeling good I feel that I don't write good so everything that I do is rubbish and is not worthy of public viewing so instead of trying, I just disappear. This is bullshit really and in 2015 I am going to stop this. I am going to set myself a goal to publish at least one post a week, I am going to set aside a block of time every weekend to sit and write and just see what happens. I have a folder full of ideas just waiting to be fleshed out, I really need to give those ideas light. Writing is cathartic, I need more of that in my life. 

Eat out less - One of my goals every year is to get better with money and I have yet to achieve that goal but this is one little thing that I can do to tie into that. I need to stop eating out and actually be more organised. I opened my fridge this morning to find something for breakfast and I had the choice of some meadow lea, 3 semi sun dried tomatoes and a tiny bit of parsley. That's not the contents of an adults fridge. I am a good cook, I make delicious meals and I have it within my capacity to be organised but I am easily way laid. I will endeavour to make my breakfast, take my lunch to work and have a plan for what I want to make for dinner each night instead of grabbing breakfast on the run, buying my lunch and getting some take away on the way home after the gym. $10 per meal certainly does add up. Eating out should be a treat, I need to make it so. 

Become less Social Media reliant - I am 31 years old, I don't need to be constantly sitting on my phone waiting to find out what my friends are having for dinner. I sit on the tram during my daily commute and it has dawned on me that we are now a group of Zombies. As soon as people sit down they pull out their phone and start scrolling through their social media feeds to distract themselves from the world around them. I want to be present. I want to make friends with the little kid called Marcus that is sitting next to me and wants to be a Burrito when he grows up (see what you can find out if you offer to share your seat). I want to smile at the old Italian lady who tells me to be less hard on myself and I want look at the amazing Graffiti that adorn the walls along the tram line. There is so much beauty in the world and I am scared about how much I have missed with my eyes glued to my phone. The news feed is still going to be there in an hour, the wisdom of the old lady sitting next to me can only last until my stop approaches. 

Stop Hiding behind my overtly sexual Nature - So I guess now its time to come clean, everyone has this view of me that I am this overly sexual creature, I ooze it from my pores, I act like it, I dress like it, heck I even write about it but really that's not who I am. I think that its an act that I have fallen in to because its easy. I lost count of the amount of dick pics that I was sent in 2014, and do you know how many of those people I have actually been intimate with? ONE!!!! I know that its all in good fun but it has dawned on me that some people think that's all I am and I am not really cool with that. Last year I fucked up, I started to snatch chat with a guy who I actually genuinely wanted to get to know better but because that was how things started there really was no coming back from that. I don't want to make that same mistake in 2015. I am not an object and I wont stand for being treated as one, I like attention, but this is the wrong kind of attention to be getting. I am better than that, if I want to be treated as a lady, I need to act like one and make people remember that I am one. 

Stop with the Emotions - I am an overly emotional person, I will admit it. Life gets to me, I get upset, I get angry, I want to disappear into the blackness. I want to be more stable in the year 2015 because at this age I should probably have my shit together, or at least pretend that I do. I nearly lost my job in 2014 for being upset about life circumstances. I went through a terrible break up that destroyed me and no matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop that from coming out. I got pulled in to line and told to shape up or ship out and this wasn't a pleasant experience at all. It made me realise that everyone is going through shit and the world doesn't really care about your struggle. This year I want to be like a Botox lady, a fixed mask of non expression.  The world doesn't need to know about my emotions because they probably don't care. I'm going to do Kenny Rogers justice this year and know when to hold them and know when to fold them. 

Say Yes More - A few years ago I had one resolution for the year and that was to make it the year of the random and it was probably one of the best years that I had so I would like to adopt this one again. I am going to stop making excuses and become more about action. You never know what the world has in store and you certainly wont find it out by sitting on your couch watching reruns of the Big Bang Theory. So that guy wants to take you out for ice cream - YES. You get asked to a party where you don't know anyone - YES. You find an advertisement for a cooking class - YES. I am going to be like Jim Carey in Yes Man (just a little bit less funny, only a little bit though). The world is out there, all I need to do is say Yes and let it in. 

2014 was a year of High Highs and the lowest of lows but I am here on the other side so I have to take that as a win. The bad times help us be thankful for the good and inevitably make us the people that we are. I made friends, I lost friends, I cried, I loved, I laughed and probably pissed a whole lot of people off along the way. I found my place in the city and was shown the goodness in people when I really needed to see it. Whether I achieve all my resolutions or not, as long as I be the best me that I can be I will happily take that as a win. So 2015, I am coming for you. I will be the one with good eyebrows and designer high heels and I will take no prisoners. I cant fail, because after all, I am Kerry and I've got this. 

Love and Old Lang Syne

Miss K

2015 can do this...

Why wristies are awkward....

Sometimes I think about prostitutes and what a hard job they actually have, we all know that they provide massages with a happy ending but have you actually thought about the work that has to go in to the "tug" part of the rub n tug? At the fear of losing the respect of my readers and the possibility of alienating myself from future suitors I am going to be honest and say that I feel I am lacking in the art of wristies. While I admit that I am good at many things, hand jobs aren't one of them and I think this has a lot to do with positioning and stamina. In the essence of #science lets explore this further

I think the first time I experienced the need to "wristie" was in my younger days and my early sexual encounters. I was a late bloomer and didn't see a doodle until I was nearly 18, I had just come out of a long stint of religion and the idea of having to touch that thing was a bit scary. Thankfully my first boyfriend had a very lovely penis so it wasn't as scary as some of them that I have seen over the course of my "career". Being young and inexperience lead to a lot of fumbling around blindly trying to entertain the other person.

 I would like to think that my parents raised me right and they were big believers in the saying of "Do on to others as you would have done on to you" (actually I could be making this up and maybe they never told me this), so needless to say if I wanted him to touch my "area" I would need to touch his. Laying in a single bed facing each other whilst trying to touch each others areas was a bit like a game of Twister "LEFT HAND ON PINK. NOOOO THE OTHER PINK". He is clicking your mouse and you are trying to figure out how to put your arm down there without disturbing his rhythm and then your hand is backwards or upside down and you have no room for he upstroke so all you end up doing is clumsily rubbing your finger tips over the top of his head.... HOW IS THIS ENJOYABLE?

There has to be a better way so over the year I have given it a bit more thought, here are the positions and their pros and cons

The Polar Opposites - This position has been mentioned above, it just doesn't work, it just doesn't.Think of it if you will as trying to push two magnets together with their opposing forces. 

Suitability 3/10

The Side by Side - You've been out for a large dinner, neither of you are actually at all interested but you are trying to keep the romance alive (and you have to give them something back for buying you dinner). If you put any pressure on your stomach region you probably couldn't be responsible for what happens next so side by side tugs are probably all that you can muster. This position is awkward because my elbow isn't on a hinge and cant bend backwards, if I am laying on my side then I have to hold my arm up in the air and its going to get tired. Maybe I could rest it on my distended pasta stomach

Suitability 5/10

The Reach Over - this one comes in handy if you are driving a car or in a cinema or doing something where you need to sit and face the front. This one can be a bit of an issue with angle and reaching over can cause your arm to get sore. Plus its not very intimate is it, if you are doing it for someone you care about isn't eye contact recommended? 

Suitability 6/10

The Sneaky Reach Around - This is probably my favorite one (granted that your gentleman isn't of the rounder side) because its the wristie that is unexpected. Imagine that they are brushing their teeth or heaven for bid having a shave you can give them some fun times. The position can cause fatigue and then there is the awkward chance of grabbing something that you aren't meant to because you cant see but the pros out weight the cons. If you can manage to keep it up until the end there is less clean up because they can just blow into the sink. No mess No Fuss

Suitability 8/10

The Lap Dance - think about sitting on their lap straddling them with their ample (hopefully) pole facing skywards. This way you can look into their eyes lovingly as you are stroking their masculine length. This would cut down fatigue because you are directly in front of them and your arm isn't in an awkward position. Plus if you would like to move on from just wristie to a bit of penetration all you need is a flick of the hips. Kinda like killing two birds with one stone.

Suitability 8/10

The Upside Down - This would be the 69 of the wristie world. You have your eye on the prize, your arms aren't in an awkward position and you can go for a while, he is laying in a comfortable position and could be giving you something back at the same time. The draw backs with this is that I am anti on my face and in this position it doesn't really have much choice but to end it there. When I said not one my face, I meant not on my face.

Suitability 7.5/10

The Back Up - Stand in front of them with your back to them, slightly to your preferred side (I am right handed so I would stand slightly to the left) and back up on to them with a lego hand like grip. They can whisper sweet nothings in your ear as encouragement and you can go about your business whilst watching the TV. Fatigue shouldn't get the better of you in this position as your arm is a nice casual relaxed mode, much like it would be if you were treading water. Just be sure to step out of the way at the moment of "impact" because that stuff can be hard to get out of your clothes.

Suitability 8.5/10

Maybe we should all just agree to carry out our own foreplay and reconvene when we are "ready". Or maybe it would be better for everyone if we all had some communication, that's not my clitoris and you need me to go faster are probably phrases that need to be said .... but really if I haven't mastered it after 15 years maybe its just time for me to call it quits. I think I have realised that pretty much the only way to get a 10/10 if to do it yourself.

Or this... lets just go with this

Love and Lubrication 

Miss K 

N.B while writing this blog I was sitting at the pub and posed this question to the lads that decided to sit on my table, Dean Jones told me that if he is getting a shit wristie/blow job he tells the girls to suck his balls and finishes the job himself. See kids, that's what communication is all about

* no names were changed to protect the identity of the participants. But it is cricket season and they are wearing Hawaiian shirts so they probably deserve everything that they get.