What porn has Taught me... NSFW

Whilst running for my tram the other day I became concerned for a split second about how my hair was going to look, but it was only for a split second as I remembered that Porn is real and all the girl in porn movies have amazing hair despite their physical exertion, I was set and my beautifully manicured hair would turn up to work, still beautifully manicured. So here are a few other things that I have learnt about real life from porn.

Guys love it when you gag - I think they like the idea that their massive (or not so) weapon has the ability to choke bitches with one fowl thrust. So do the world a favour and do it like you mean it 

Make up is for the long term - honestly I need to find out what they use. They can have a face full of seamen and not have their mascara run. Fuck just the thought of sweat makes my make up run off into the sunset leaving me looking like a haggard drag queen

On my face, on my face - really this is the only place to deposit your baby juice. Its not demeaning at all and women love it. So much so that they will lick it up, ever single drop of it. 

Women are ALWAYS ready - I love the fact that the minute a guy touches a girl with his magic stick she starts screaming in pure Ecstasy. I might do that the next time I make intimacies, because if its in porn it must be real.

Every house keeper/nanny/teacher is horny and naughty - Pretty much they are gagging for it. You can use the fact that they have misbehaved about something to your advantage to talk them into having sex with you on the proviso that you will not dob on them. I think this is actually a pretty solid deal.

Shirts on, its on - Men should keep their shirts on whilst receiving fellatio, because there is nothing sexier than a man awkwardly trying to get his shirt out of the way of a "gagging" lady.

All women are lesbians - no really, didn't you know? all it takes is one hot lady to look at another hot lady and shit starts to get wild and water "works" are turning on everywhere.

The Bigger the Better - All men have large cocks. Really the bigger the better because the fairer sex loves nothing more than "coming on your big cock". It may be physically painful and you may be about to pop a hole in her cervix but keep going harder, bitches love harder.

Women want to sleep with other women's husbands - true fact. This is how threesomes happen. Lady 1 looks at lady 2s husband and lady 2 finds out and then they all take their clothes off and "work" out their differences.

Sex in Difficult places is easy - The shower, a toilet cubicle, a sunken lounge room. The more difficult the better it is. So you just put you leg up here, and I will put my hand here and lets go to town. Easy and Safe as Pie.

Heels are safe for sex - Women should keep their shoes on whilst enjoying sexual acts. Never mind the fact that they may be sporting a 6 inch heel, its totally safe AND sexy. It also give the guy something to grab to make the women more moveable so "contact" can be clearly viewed.

Dirty talk is loved by EVERYONE - I love it when you call me a filthy whore, because I know that I am one and you love it when I ask you to fuck my wet pussy. And no one laughs when these conversations are taking place. Because not only is porn real, but it is a serious business

I am all about learning and I am currently being educated by adult recorded acts. Maybe that's the only reason that I have the Internet, after all the Internet is for porn. There is a song about it so it must be true. But seriously I am actually legitimately a fan of adult content, it sure has taught me some tricks along the way. Starfish? Ain't no body got time fo dat. 

Love and Bukkake 

Miss K 

New Life Rule...

I wonder when we became the whinging society, when did keeping up with the Jones become the highest priority and why do we always want to be better fitter, further and faster than what we already are. It got me to thinking that really I am the only one that can change where I am and what I am doing. And from this is born life's new rule NO MORE COMPLAINING ABOUT THINGS THAT ARE IN MY POWER TO CHANGE!!! So lets break it down real simple

PERSON

I am not sure if its just me and the age that I am getting to but every second one of my friends is so far into fitness these days and this is fantastic for them. I know that I am not possibly in the best shape but that all comes down to me. If you want to eat what you like and not exercise please be aware of the consequences of your actions. No one wants to hear you saying you are sick of being fat as you shove another chocolate bar down your throat without chewing. To get to be the best you, its about exercise and healthy eating. There is no miracle cure (but if you happen to know one please send it my way)

PROCREATING

I know it may be hard to comprehend but Mr Right is generally not just going to fall in your lap. I have decided that I shall like to procreate (yeah that one shocked me as much as it did you, don't you worry about that) so in order for this to happen I need to find a mate. Sitting at home isn't going to do that for me so I am out there hitting the pavement so to speak. It is getting harder to meet people so explore all options. Internet Dating, Speed Dating, Blind Dating, Stalking people with lovely beards on the tram... what ever it takes get onto it. No sitting on your couch complaining that you want a date. GO OUT AND FIND ONE!!!! (Disclaimer: maybe try and find one that isn't already dating someone else, we don't want things to get awkward, also if you have any tall single friends that look like Ricki Hall please send them my way. I make a mean sandwich)

PROFESSION

So you don't like your job? Well go and get a new one!! Really it is as easy as that. I went into a job agency last year and the consultant said to me "Don't you think you are a little bit too old to be changing your career?" and I am still laughing about this until this day. All it took was for me to believe in myself and change into something that was more me. If you don't have the skills, get them, if you don't like the company, change it. Why do something you don't totally love? If someone is doing better than you at work, maybe ask yourself why? Is it because they are trying harder than you, putting in more than you or just because its unfair!!

PEOPLE

You are the only one that is in control of the people that you let into your life. Are the people in your life making you a better person or are they sucking your soul? Its not always easy but at the end of the day the only way to make your life happier is to get rid of the negative. Why surround yourself with people that don't believe in you the way that you deserve to be believed in? So no complaining about the people you have the ability to remove (and trust me, if you put you mind to it you have the ability to remove anyone)

POSSESSIONS 

Jealous of your mates that are going on holidays or have the latest in gadgets and shiny bits? Either they are in debt, earn heaps of coin or make sacrifices. If you want these things you need to start saving, I personally have a Japan tin next to my door. When I get home I empty my purse of all my coins and $5 notes and throw it in the tin. Its such a small amount that generally I don't miss it and it makes Japan that one step closer for me. Or maybe you could forgo that morning coffee or the coke with your lunch, $4 a day most certainly would add up

Its really only you that can make you into the you that you want to be. If you don't like where you are, go somewhere else. You never know whats waiting for you when you actually try. I got told something recently and it went along the lines of "Jealousy is generally born from guilt". People will get jealous of you because they know inside themselves they aren't giving it their everything. Do you want to be jealous? 

Nah I didn't think so 

Love and YOLO

Miss K

P.S I have a strong despise for the word YOLO but it is some how unwillingly became the catch phrase for our house. You only live once so this may mean spending the last of your pay on a One Direction Cushion

Ways to make it awkward or not with an Ex

If you are anything like me (which for your sake I hope you are not) you will be unlucky in love an have a trail of exs littering the countryside. Well for me my trail isn't that long but, long enough and unlucky enough to mean that I shall have chance encounters with these people that are some what out of my control. Maybe its my weakness but seeing exs that I still have feelings for make me go a bit crazy in the head. On a recent trip back to the desert I knew that one such encounter was coming so I hashed out a fool proof plan to make it a manageable event. so here it is 

1. Don't look into his eyes, they are the pits of hell. Well maybe not that dramatic but its pretty easy to be sucked in by their beauty. For the sake of the world, LOOK AWAY GOD DAMN IT 

2. Don't touch his skin, this is where the magic hides and magic is not what you want 

3. Don't try to build a nest in his beard no matter how lovely and inviting it looks. Its a trap!!!

4. Make a good relationship with the bathroom, you may be spending a bit of time in there (no don't be silly, its not hiding. Its simply powdering your nose)

5. Find someone else to hook up with, a distraction will work wonders for your confidence 

6. Know where your exits are, if melt down occurs (as sometimes it does) you need to have a quick escape route so you can disappear into the night and go live under your bridge until your crazy has subsided

7, Get drunk enough that you cant feel your extremities, then if you do touch it wont matter because you wont be able to feel it (actually this one could be a double edged sword, you may loose control of your bodily functions and then number 5 will not be an attainable goal)

8. Pretend you have a nice bought of Amnesia or Alzheimers. "Kerry, who is Kerry? No I am sure I don't know you. Please leave my presence stranger. Constable Care warned me about talking to strangers". This should work a treat, everyone will be left confused and you can use escape plan 4, 6 or 7.

9. Turn into a blubbering mess, cry all over him until he feels so awkward that he leaves. Reset your tears, fix your make up and get back to enjoying your night 

10. Wear a disguise, if he doesn't recognise you, you really don't exist and you don't have to live in fear of him spotting you and things getting awkward. 

Or maybe you could just be an adult about it, say hello, make polite conversation covering safe topics (ie/ the weather or the local sporting club) and then say your goodbyes and move off in your respective directions. And if all else fails and you are thrown back into the throngs of passion (as sometimes happens) remember if its not on, its not on, swapping bodily fluid makes things just that little bit more personal. 

Love and Escape Plans 

Miss K

* The guy above is incredibly special to me so it made me sad that I had to think of these escape plans. Earlier this year I got upset, had a tantrum and ended up having to put my tail between my legs and apologise. I am not proud of what I did but I also know that I am only human. The heart is a pretty stupid thing and it turns even the most composed women into a raving looney. Sadly for me what the mind tries to forget the body remembers. 

The Vagina Monologues... a Lesbian Experience?

When I was small I never remember saying to a boy "I'll show you mine if you show me yours" and still to this day I like to think that all men and women are like Ken and Barbie, just a whole heap of smooth plastic covering their respective mummy daddy parts (Disclaimer: unless I am wanting to procreate with them (without the end result of course) and then I wish them to be Ron Jeremy). So for anyone that has been reading my blog for a while you would know that I have often had adult relations with boys, in my head though I have always thought that I should have a lesbian experience by the time I am 30. 30 is just around the corner and as yet I have not partaken in the drinking of the furry cup. Last week though I though that I may have had my first lesbian encounter.

Cue a trip to the Brazilian Butterfly, for those of you that are unaware the Brazilian Butterfly is a place where you can go for hair be gone, hair on your bajingo to be precise. As it was rolling around to wax time and I have admittedly been lax in pubis maintenance I thought I best get my shit sorted. I took myself over to the Brazilian Butterfly for a strip and rip. For my first Victorian wax I was shocked at how different it was compared to a West Coast Wax, normally in WA they give you the little disposable underpants to save your modesty (Look I know they cover nothing and all my "glory" is out for the world to see but its for piece of mind ok) but here I was escorted into the little cubicle, told to strip from the waist down and get on the table (normally I make them at least buy me a drink before this happens). I proceeded to do as I was told and let my dress keep my modesty until she returned. I was told to put my feet together and open my legs, she then proceeded to pour hot wax all over my lady parts. This is all pretty normal, but then shit got a bit weird. She told me to tuck my legs up to my chest, and you can imagine what this reveals to the world when you are not wearing under garments.

So what does all of this have to do with my thought that I may have actually had a lesbian experience, well you see every time she would walk back to refill her wax stick with the devils goo she would trail her fingers down my leg and when she would pull the wax off her fingers would quickly go to the affected area, while this is the normal practice the curling of the fingers is not. Was she like totally in to me or did she not have proper control of her fingers? Also lesbian example number two, whilst my legs were tucked to my chest and my bottom hole was exposed to the world she ran the soothing gel from back to front with intense detail all up in there (does she not know the rules, you should always wipe FRONT TO BACK). I laid there in shock and she patted my mound and told me that I was done and could put my pants back on. She left the room and I was left wondering if I was a lesbian. 

I feel that my lesbianism will need to come in stages, maybe I could start off with one day kissing a girl and maybe the next day touching her boobs and then finally touching her garden. I know it really makes no sense and I got told that I should just jump straight in but it turns out that I may actually be scared of the Vagina.  I might need to enter into the lesbian  pool slowly, toes first. And really it is not surprising that I am scared of the Gina when I had a dream the other night that I started to make out with a women (it started off pretty hot I will admit) It started off with a bit of kissing, then maybe I touched her boobs and then when my hand wandered south of the equator and found the "sweet spot" and suddenly out popped a penis. No Shit, it was a pretty traumatic dream and it made me think that maybe I shouldn't actually bother with girls because the girls are all boys anyway (or that maybe I should go to Thailand and find myself a lady boy because then really they are a lady that is a man).

So really now I am more confused than before, is Lesbianism before 30 really something that I want and really something that would actually be obtainable? I have another appointment at the Butterfly on the 27th and who knows, I may get more than I pay for. 

Love and Lips *cough*

Miss K 

P.S Actually I lie, I have had one experience with a Vagina. I think they call it birth and just the mental image of that has sent me running for the hills and away from all of the gardens in the land in pure fear.

Reasons to wife me... or not

So whilst cooking my evening roast lamb dinner, I stood in the kitchen in my high heels and frilly apron and thought to myself "By Golly, I am surprised that someone has not wifed me yet. For I am a darn fine specimen of women". This thought may have been driver by the fact that my ex got married this week whilst I am still swinging in the ether of singledom or the fact that my biological clock is tick tocking its way toward the alarm or simply for the fact that I can not comprehend that no one has wifed me yet because I am fucking amazing. To ease my mind I compiled a list of reasons why I would be amazing wife material and to be balanced also a list of reasons I maybe am not.... I guess I will let you be the judge

Reasons to Wife Me

- I am funny, not like funny perculiar (all the time) but funny haha. Who doesnt want a laugh a day 

- My boobs are still proudly front and centre at 29.5 years old (Disclaimer: I do not know how long this is going to last so you might wanna wife me quick so you can get the best end of the bargain)

- I am proficient in mechanics. I can service, trouble shoot and generally not fuck up a car when I touch it. I can change a tyre and put a new tyre on the rim for that matter and I would probably prefer to do it because getting my hands dirty clears my mind. 

- I can cook, rather well. What ever you like, I can probably make it. In my head I know what goes with what and whats going to hit your spot. 

- I love porn, I am a big fan so if you would like to watch it then you know I am not going to complain. I like to read it as well. Did you know that girls have good imaginations for literature?

- My dad is awesome, he is totally worth wifeing me so you get to hang out with him. He will share his coke, Tim Tams and BBQ shapes with you if you are really nice as well. 

- I am not a jealous person and I am more than happy for you to go off and hang out with your mates, as long as I know where you are I will have enough trust in you to give you general free reign

Reasons to Not Wife Me

- I am funny, sometimes it may be bordering on annoying. I find it funny to poke someone repeatedly until their eyes bulge out of their heads

- My body lets my boobs down and is sadly not that of an 18 year old 

- I am proficient in Mechanics, for most of you I probably know more and really no one wants their wife to know more about vehicular maintenance than you. Maybe its demoralising?

- I am clumsy in the kitchen, there is a high likely hood that your food may come with a bit of extra added ruffage in the form of my skin and blood. 

- I love porn. How big is your download limit? (don't worry its really the only thing I will download, oh and maybe funny cat videos as well)

- My dad is very quick witted and sharp, you will over run if you cant stand your ground (but never in a bad way, but you would need to be quick to wife me anyway so maybe this is a moot point)

- I like space and while I love you, I probably cant spend every minute with you. I am not good at being controlled

Some other things to consider

- I fart, I know you all thought that girls dont do that but I do and I toot triumphantly, loudly and frequently. 

- I am a light sleeper, if you snore I will wake up and probably get cross. Oh and also I kinda get night terrors that wake me up screaming a few times a week. No biggy

- I am pretty tattooed and sometimes parents dont like that. I am successful and educated and sometimes well spoken but the tattoos may make me the girl you dont take home to your mum

So when you add it all up, I wonder what you would get? I would totally wife me 

Love and Aprons 

Miss K

Build your own boy? (like bears but different)

There are these stores that I have seen and you can go there and build your own bear, you can pick the colour of its fur and the colour of its eyes and even how much you stuff it and what kind of clothes it is going to wear. Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could go into a store with a list of characteristics and build yourself the perfect man? Whilst on my morning commute I was admiring a man in his suit and beard and got thinking about the bearded men in my past, and then went on to think about more than their beards. Which parts of all of my exs would I put in to one perfect boyfriend? So here they are 

Ronald McDonald

His Musical Ability - He can play the guitar and I have always wanted to be musical. Bitches love musical, its kinda romantic 

His Co-Ordination and knack at sports - He is a good all rounder, he surfs, he skates, he plays basketball. Pretty much all the important things to have in a boyfriend 

Ikea Flat Packs 

His culinary desires -That boy can cook and he would eat anything so it always made for an adventure when going out to eat 

His Trust - he was never jealous and he wouldn't mind what I did or who I did it with as long as he knew where I was. It was totally a trust thing and it worked

My Blue Eyed Boy

His Eyes - This one was a toss up between him and the green eyed monster but he won out for the simple fact that everything I ever needed to know was located in them. 

His Respect - he didn't belittle me for me knowing what I do, he nurtured that and respected it. He wouldn't let me use power tools but let me have input and would actually listen when I thought something. 

The Army Brat

His Beautiful Skin - he is the most tattooed person I have dated and his skin was always really soft. Soft tattooed skin is awesome. Also tattooed skin against tattooed skin is just a thing of colourful beauty 

His Communication Skills - If he said he was going to call, he would call and sometimes he would call when I wasn't expecting it just because he could. He was good at talking about his feelings and the way things affected him. While I was not so good at it back then its something I really did appreciate 

His Style - Sneaker pimping ain't easy but this boy could do it well. He always dressed well, smelt nice and his shirts always fitted him in just that special way that made me go arghhhh (in a good way)

The Green Eyed Monster

His Beard - I always maintain the only reason I started seeing him was because of his beard (he did shave it off for an interim and we didn't see each other, you do the math). I think my love of beards came from him, its full and soft and a little bit ginger and we all know I have a thing for gingers. 

His  sense of humour - he had the ability to make me laugh, always!!! The stupid things he would say or how he would tell me that everything I liked wasn't a thing. Stupid Banter really. 

Mr Tall Dark and Tanned

His Height - He is probably the tallest guy I have ever dated and this was fantastic. 5 inch heels and I still felt like a dainty little lady 

His Arms - My goodness he is fit and has big strong arms and shoulders that make a girl swoon.... yes I said it Swoon. Its easy to feel safe when those arms wrapped around you

So there you have it, the parts of all the boys that have meant something to me, that when rolled into one would make my "ideal man", add that with an amazing personality and fire in his belly to keep me in line and we would be on a winner.  I would like him to be Tall, tattooed, bearded with big muscles, a highly defined sense of style and smell. He needs to respect me, trust me and make me laugh, enjoy eating everything and be co-ordinated and musical. Totally easy feat.

I am going to take my list now to the boy store, I have $87.39, hopefully I have enough 

Love and Stuffing 

Miss K 

P.S I guess I have always been very lucky, all the guys I have gone out with have treated me like a princess so when it came down to it I couldn't really separate them on that. Its funny how now being a bit older with all these relationships behind me, I look back at the way I was and what I needed at the time and each of those boys provided me with exactly what I needed at that time. I wonder what I will need next?

... That's a No. That's most definitely a NO!

I have touched on internet dating before but I feel that I need to go over it again. After a recent set back in the department of the heart (probably very much my own fault for reading something into a situation that wasn't there) I decided that I would give Internet Dating another crack. I haven't been having much luck meeting people in the 'Burn and I am not ashamed to admit that I am lonely and longing for a bit of romance. Online dating is a cheap, easy way to browse the library without hurting any of the books feelings (I actually stole this analogy from my amazing boss who met her partner on RSVP two years ago and they are still going strong).

I have been undertaking this round of Online dating since Sunday the 27th of January and so far I have 4 would be suitors, all of which have requested my acceptance and probably about 70 or 80 who I have rejected. As with many things in life, its about a screening process. How do you wittle down those 80 requests judging only by what you read on a screen? I have some hard and fast rules, you can take them if you like. Welcome to the world of "That's a no!!" 

I think you are really hot - On Oasis when you want to contact someone you need to send a reason as to why you would like to contact them. One of them is "I think you are really hot". Look I am flattered but come now, flattery isn't going to get you anywhere. I just think that all you want me for is my looks and clearly I have a brain behind this awesome rack. This  also goes hand in hand with the "You are my dream match", How can you tell that about me for the 10 works and a handful of photos that I have pro-offered the world (all photos that I have decreed I look good in, It could all be a fake)

Height 5'9 - and under, and that's a no. Look I will be the first to admit that I am a heightist, I am relatively tall for a girl and I am attracted to guys that are taller than me. If someone is my height and under I just find it hard to see myself with them. I want a man and men in my head are meant to be taller than the woman. I want to feel like a tiny little fragile thing that needs looking after (even though I am none of these things, sometimes its a nice fantasy to have)

Pictures of Tattoos - Ok this one may come across as very hypocritical from someone who is as tattooed as I am BUT if someone has photos of their tattoos its a no. If you can see them in normal pictures no worries mate but it would be like me putting a picture of just my back up and leaving it as that. My tattoos are just something that I have got, they are in no way something that defines me. I feel like the people that have them as stand alone pictures may be doing it just so people think they are cool. I ain't into no posers yo. 

I like what you have done with your paint work? - As for pretty much the same reason as above, people that have photos of their toys (be they cars, bikes, jetskis what ever) are a no. Good on you for having a car, I am glad that you have hobbies. Is it a status symbol that you can afford a Beamer or a GSXR? Because dude I ride the tram and I am happy with that (Actually that gives me a brilliant Idea, I am going to take a picture of a tram and upload it with the caption "My Pimpin Wheels")

Welcome to the Gun Show - This is Des and this is Troy and together they are... making me sick. Last time I checked I was not in an episode of Jersey Shore and the Gym Tan Laundry rules do not apply here. Being healthy is a good life goal but I am not overly impressed by your muscles (not that I am saying I don't like to look at them, because I probably do but it makes you look like a meat head and I like brains)

No Photo, no deal - If anyone says that they are not vain AT ALL, I would like to vehemently call  bullshit. Look I know I am not the prettiest Gem in the shop BUT I go alright sometimes. Like attracts like and if you don't have physical attraction then a relationship is really over before it begins. I also like to see who I am talking to, I need to plan what kind of children we will make. 

Bad Spelling Grammar and the Etc - I am sure this one comes as no surprise because I have posted it before but bad spelling, text talk and poor grammar annoys me (I am in no ways saying that I am perfect because I know that I am not and I make mistakes but generally I do ok), in my head it may show a lower level of education and I need someone to challenge me mentally. I have also seen a lot of profiles that abuse women, here is an exert from a real profile "Majority of Women on this sight; you're all here because you fail at luring a partner of substance.... Yet you're still guarded...high expectations...judgmental and high Ego." Cause yeah mate that's really going to make me add you when you have so clearly insulted me and said I have a high Ego. Well I do have a high Ego because I am fucking amazing, but you will never know that. 

Have Children - If there is a yes in here anywhere that is a no. I know this isn't really fair on the people that have kids and are trying to make the most of their lives but its just not for me. I have been in a relationship with a guy that had a daughter before and it was hard. There is more at play than just two people and I realise that and admit that I am maybe not strong enough to deal with that. Plus kids kinda freak me out (still)

Brown Bread, Naan - naan thanks. At the risk of coming across racist I am a white bread kinda girl and I am not really ashamed to admit it. I don't know what this is born of but it is an attraction thing, I haven't so far in my life felt the need to ride the sushi train or got me some jungle fever. Its stereotyping I know but its the way that my mind works

Now reading back over all of these things, I am surprised that anyone has managed to get through my web. I am not holding my breath on the success of longevity of me lasting at online before I crack it and give up but for the time being I am going in, all guns a blazing

Love and Selection Criteria

Miss K 

N.B I know that it is actually impossible to judge a person simple by what you read on a screen, but I believe that you do need to put your best foot forward. Whats the point in saying yes to everyone when there are things that you blatantly know aren't things that you dig? I would hazard a guess to say that they are doing the same thing as me. They probably hate 5'9 girls with blue eyes and dark brown hair and that's cool cause I know I am not every ones cup of tea (as delicious as that tea is)  

If I was to meet the "That's a No" people in real life who knows what could happen, I could connect with them instantly and we could have a real future together. But there is a big difference to online and outside so please don't think I am a bad person for my selection criteria. A girl is just doing what a girls got to do.