The art of the Pick Up

On having a conversation with the Army Brat after my post on Anal Sex, he made the comment of "You are good at vomiting on men and picking them up" and it made me think that maybe I pick up men in a non conventional fashion. But really is that surprising when I tend to do everything in a bit of a left of centre way? If you are in the market for a significant other (or not so significant if that's what you are looking for) maybe you would like to take a page out of my book

* Disclaimer - I am currently single so I do not know the tested longevity of these methods

The Vomit - I don't know the theory behind this one, but I have had it work for me three times. Two long term boyfriends and a foray into Anal Sex have all been secured after a sudden bought of techni colouring burping. Could it be the damsel in distress persona that draws them to me or do they really have an extreme like for carrots?

The Eat - Classic Kerry Pick Up, find a man, eat his food, stay for conversation. In honesty this one comes fraught with danger and it could end badly for those playing at home but it has seemed to have worked for me. It might be slightly easier if you have something to offer in return, maybe a delectable treat of your own or a little kiss to fill the void that stealing the food has left. 

The Tail - This may be the worlds best line / ice breaker and I use it regularly, sometimes it is hard to find an opening line so I simply say "If you had a tail what kind of tail would you have?". Its a question out of the blue, catches them off guard and intrigues them. It also gives me a good chance to see what kind of person they are. If they look at me in irritation then I know that they are probably not someone that I would like to spend my time with. If they think about it and give me an answer they will probably get a high five and if its a good enough answer, a prolonged conversation.

The Conversation Injection - This one works well when you find yourself in a situation where you are alone and need a quick fix of friends. Find a group of people that look interesting to talk to (or house a boy that you would like to engage with) and casually slide into the group undetected and after listening for a while inject some witty retort. Most people are open to conversations and it might be weird for a few seconds but use this to your advantage. Make a joke out of it and move forward. This also works well if you are on the dance floor, get rid of trying to be sexy and instead switch it up to trying to be fun. There are 1 million girls out there that are primped to the nines but most guys see the maintenance that would be involved in keeping them, guys go for fun... always (well the ones that you would want to be with anyway)

The Beard Stroke - this one hardly needs any explanation, as detailed in various other posts I have an extreme love of beards. I love to stroke them and fondle them and rub them just for good measure and the best thing about beards is that they are attached to the faces of men. Doing the beard stroke is like killing two birds with one stone, I get to do something that I like while setting up something to like in the future. 

The Worst Pick Up Line - The more terrible the better, its about engaging them and making them laugh. Laughter is the key to the soul (or is that the eyes... or the tummy... orr shiiitttt) and people will drop their defences and let you into them a little bit more if you can make them laugh. I like such line as "nice shoes, show me your cock", "does this rag smell like chloroform?" or "so you come here often?" (that one is always a winner). I spoke with a friend about the use of terrible pick up lines and she said that she would just laugh in someones face if they tried but laughter is the best medicine.

I have also realised that the only way that any of these pick up techniques work is if you deliver them with pure confidence (well other than the vomit, I don't know how one can be confident as your stomach is turning itself inside out and your head is captaining the porcelain bus). As Willy Wonka said, Confidence is Key, if you are interested in the look of someone grow some balls and go and speak to them, confidence is sexy and it will take you far in life and whats the worst that can happen? They can say no and last time I checked "No" never killed anyone. I may not have been a career Recruiter but in the time I spent in it, I did learn the valuable lesson of being a point of difference, my pick ups may be full of corn but at least I stand out from the field of cotton. 

Love and Loving

Miss K

The Beard Essentials

I am not sure if I have mentioned it before but I dig beards. Like I mean, I reaaaallllllyyyyyy dig beards. I have been trying to trace the origins of this love for a while, did I simply wake up one day and feel the love for the furry face or does its origins date back to a land before time. In my late teens and early 20s when I entered the dating game (yep I do believe that it is a game) beards where the worlds biggest turn off, beards to me meant old people and pash rash. It wasn't a common sight to go out and see a sea of woolen faces. I would date a guy and make him shave all the time because I didn't like the fuzz. It wasn't until I was 28 that I started to appreciate the beard, it was becoming more main stream and hairy men where popping up everywhere. Here is my whats whats of beards

- My two favourite men in the world had beards. My dad and bubble-o-bill. They say a girls first love is her dad, my first love came with a beard. It only makes sense that my future  loves come with a beard as well. 

- Beards are manly, as a women my genetic instinct is to want manly men to hunterer and gatherer for me. 

- They look like comfortable warm places to build nests, as a "bird" its only natural to want to nest. 

- I live in the land of hipster beards. My daily commute is full of them, every man and his goat are sporting some sort of facial growth. You don't hear me complaining, just embracing. 

- Beards are like the Titanic, the ultimate ice breaker. I'm a friendly kind of lass and like to talk to the masses and if you've got a little something something in and around your face hole I'm probably going to talk to you

- There is a song that quotes "if your dad doesn't have a beard, you have two mums", I couldn't live with myself if that was to happen and I was to enforce that on my children. I need to know that I am procreating with a man of adequate facial growth (and/or ability)

Lifes Important Bearded Men

My Dad - always had a beard, its who he was. I remember him picking us up from school once and he had had a shave and I walked straight past him. Beards really do make a man recognisable. 

My Step Dad - he used to have a beard when we were growing up. It was a bit of a Ned Beard and for years after he shaved it off he would flick the bottom of his chin after eating to dislodge any stored food. I think that's called muscle memory (or insanity)

My first bearded boyfriend - he had a beard and I probably noticed that before I noticed anything else about him. We hooked up and then he shaved his beard off. It was like he lost 1000 watts of sexuality with the removal of his face rug. I refused to see him for two weeks until he grew it back.

My go to guy - Ricki Hall. That's really all I need to say. If ever I am feeling down and need a cheer me up, I put that guy into google and I instantly feel better. EVERYWHERE. INSTANTLY. BETTER. Tattoos and beards. You fucking bet you.

What types of Beard are you?

The Patchy - look its probably important to address this one first because its what the majority of you can grown. If its patchy don't waste my time. Don't pretend to be something that you aren't and just give it up. I am sure you have a lovely personality, people will eventually forgive you for your inability for facial follicle.

The Moustachy - I moustache you a question? does the rest of your face get cold while your top lip is cloaked in glory? Yeah I thought so. Really its all in or all off. Rocking the moustache alone kinda makes you look like Mario, do you want to look like a middle aged plumber that's on a never ending mission to rescue a princess that keeps getting herself kidnapped? Yeah I thought so.

The Ned - You've got the beard, you've grown the beard, you've cultivated the beard, you may have gone a bit too far with the beard (yeah I know, who knew there was a limit). You are starting to get mistaken for a member of the ZZ Top, and that shit wasn't cool since the 70s. You need to cultivate more civilised and less homeless.

The Prickle - I think back in the day they used to call this the designer stubble, it was the look made famous by David Beckham (I think) and while it may look trendy it can cause havoc to the face of your would be admirers. That shit scratches and ain't no body got time for that. Have it or don't, there really is no room for half measures.

The Perfect - For me this is about the well groomed, enough length to give you softness and something to stroke. Distinguished and giving off the illusion that you read many leather bound books. That's the kind of look that we are after here. Like early Ricki Hall. If that shit is on your face, I am on you're face. 

What ever has brought on this new wave of beardedness, fingers crossed it continues. I want to immerse myself in all of it, build myself a nest and be done with it. Please be free to make up your own mind on your enjoyment of the beard, heck actually I hope you hate them, that will just means more bearded men for me. 

Love and Stroking 

Miss K 

Back Door Sluts... ahhh Number 1?

When I was younger and coming into my sexual maturity the idea of any man entering me, being it back door, front door or food hatch was startling and really quiet scary. As time went on and I became more experienced the boundaries were pushed, the inhibitions were dropped and the experiences were more to write home about. I guess it was only a matter of time before the envelope was pushed back (only slight pun intended). This is taboo, its the things of Greek men, priests and offers of reward in exchange of diamonds. Welcome to my world of anal sex. 

Experience 1 - Testing the Waters

 Let me set the scene for you, a Tokyo love hotel with a  guy from Chile that I'd just met on a crowded Midnight train a few hours earlier. I think his name was Paulo or Pedro or something of equal racial stereotype. We were getting acquainted with each other in a room that cost 14,000 Yen (which he paid for) when he decided that I'd like a bit of rim action. Needless to say I was taken a back and there would have been some involuntary clench so I quickly pulled up anchor and steered the motion of the ocean in a different direction. This was how I was first exposed to the tastes of the other side of life. 

Experience 2 - Did that just happen?

Saturday afternoon, beautiful summer sun, beer garden and cold cider. Beers with a friend from interstate. One cider turned into five and before I knew it, it was 6 o'clock and I was vomiting on myself in the cobbled alleyway. The next amount of time (maybe lets say a few hours but who can be sure) I had a shower, sat on a balcony waiting for pizza, passed out for a bit and engaged in some wild adult entertainment (which I am still to this day unsure how it started). This guy knew what he wanted and wasn't afraid to ask for it. He was persuasive, I was drunk and I thought his penis was small enough to be a good starting point (and probably I mainly wanted to please him)

After our juices and energy were spent we both did the required roll over to sleep. I woke up to the vibration of my phone and opened my bleery eyes to a text from my best friend. Pain radiated from my head and my arse and places I didn't even know I had, it was all bad. I sent her a quick reply of "I think I just had bum sex =/ am I ever going to be able to poo again? He is sleeping, is it OK to sneak out?". So that's what my life had come to, anal sex and sneaking out on men. 

Despite her advice to stay and her reassurance that I would be able to poo again I decided to make a break for it and go home to lick my wounds (not literally, I'm not a cat). I grabbed my clothes, dressed quickly and pulled the door shut behind me. As I walked to get a taxi I got a lot of strange looks, honestly how could they know? did I have a big sign on my head that said "I JUST DID ANAL!!!" or was I walking like I had just gotten off a horse. I grabbed the first taxi I found and the first question the taxi driver and his shocked look gave me was "Are you OK?". I assured him I was fine and gave him my home coordinates. I opened my front door and the sight that greeted me made me understand the looks of concern. My dress was ripped, my hair was a big mess, my mascara was writing lines down my face and my lipstick was taking a trip to my ear. I looked like I'd been attacked and thrown in a bush. I learnt a valuable lesson that evening, when sneaking out of a hotel, always check a mirror before you exit into the night, oh and also, it might hurt to sit down for a week but you can most certainly poo again. 

Experience 3 - The Diversion Technique

I met a guy at a bar, we got on well, we decided to get on "better". We got on better and after a few times things took a turn for the south, the deep south. On a trip to down town pants land, the said boy kept taking my hand and putting it in the area of the anus. The more I pulled my hand away the more he put it back there so clearly one of us was not getting the message. I thought that a change in direction was needed but knew that things were going to continue along his path of liking. I didn't overly protest and infact left it happen. Not because I overly wanted too but because I wanted the encounter to be over and I wanted to please him. 

This encounter gave way to the question of why it was OK for them to touch me there, but why I was not OK to touch them there? I have a friend who openly admits to using the services of prostitutes and he will go so far as to pay them extra so they will slip a finger whilst giving him a blow job. Would I do the finger slip for an extra quid? Maybe guys are OK with it because they have watched a lot of porn and the "glory" hole has been glorified and the idea of getting a bit dirty doesn't phase them and really whats the difference between a finger and a penis anyway?

Experience 4 - The 30 Life Crisis

On the night of my 30th Birthday I managed to ensnare a 23 year old bearded boy from Perth into my web of overt sexuality. We talked, we danced, we ended up back at his hotel (because whats a birthday without Birthday sex?) and we got busy. I think being 30 I felt like I had something to prove to him and also maybe to myself. I asked him what he wanted, told him I would give him that and we would see what would happen when the dust settled. This kid was packing a bit of a punch in the pants department so when he very innocently said "I've never tried anal" I was thinking that I would need to negate on my offer of giving him what he wanted, but like a trooper I pushed through. Don't they say that third time is a charm? (experience four, is really experience three if you get me). So first time for him and third time for me and it was carnage, I'm not even going to lie. There was mess and muck and a very traumatised 23 year old at the end of it. For once in my life I stayed to cuddle and was sure to check the mirror when I slipped out in the morning. 

So what have we learnt from this? Anal sex is funny, it normally involves alcohol and a desire to please ones part time partner. Ive given it a red hot shot and have come to the conclusion that it may only be something that is pulled out for Bank Holidays, Birthdays and Diamonds. I was always told, don't knock it to you've tried it. Ive given it a try and let me tell you, no one wins when you're on the return stroke and have pulled out to far and then a surprise attack is launched on the doomhole. This is max pain for all parties involved and nothing can fix that but a bit of spit and a Disney band aid.

Oh and one more thing, don't forget the lube

Love and Shit 

Miss K 

I gave the bitch a hug, bitches love hugs *cough*

Winter is a time for comfort food, flannelette sheets, fluffy slippers and cuddles. I personally never really liked winter, the cold and the miserable and the cuddling. That’s right, I hate the cuddling. I can hear you all gasping as you read this, who hates cuddling? What kind of person doesn't like to get all snuggly and share their body heat? This kind of person. Hugs are by definition the best thing since sliced bread to most girls, but not to me. Have I some how managed to get the defective female gene? I was once told that I was very self aware, so using this reflective skill I have come up with some plausible reasons for my aversion to cuddling. 

Family

I never grew up in a cuddly family, we would generally show our affection by way of insult and this worked for us. We didn't need to cuddle and hug and proclaim our undying love to each other to know that we are there for each other. For me this was the norm and there is nothing wrong with that. 

Would I be different if I had have been hugged more as a child?

Assaults

As I have written about before I was the victim (I hate that word) of a sexual assault a few years ago and this has certainly had some affect on the way that I am with people and their proximity to me. I don’t know if it is ever really a conscious thing when I shy away from people but if you are drunk and try to get in my space to hug me or hold me chances are I am going to run for the hills. I have trust issues, I am not afraid to admit that. I need to feel in control and if someone holds me too tight, my control slips away.

Would I be different if I hadn't been assaulted?

Social Awkwardness

It has started to dawn on me that maybe I am socially awkward. I hate those times at work when its someone's birthday and we all do a singing and a cheering and then there comes the time for the birthday person to hug and kiss everyone in thanks. The idea of this bizarre ritual freaks me out. I stand in line diligently, wait until its my turn and then go to my happy place while I wait for it to all be over. I don’t know these people (well not really) what makes it ok for them to touch me? Weren't we taught stranger danger at school? This is the same for all social situations, if one person hugs another person on leaving it is the social norm for everyone to hug. I am that strange person that kind of just hangs around in the back ground hoping that nobody knows that I exist. I guess I kind of find it all fake... why would this person want to hug me when they don't even know me?

Would I be different if I wasn't socially awkward?

Drug Manipulations

I was once best friends with a Heroin addict socio-path (from what I have read these two things actually go hand in hand with each other) He managed to break down my defences easily and before I knew it I was so dependant on this cuddly monster that I didn't know how to function without him. I felt like something was missing when I was away from him and when I was with him I would always be touching him or he would have his arm around me. It was a strange phenomenon and I felt safe. It wasn't until later on when he screwed me over and stole from me that I realised that he had used the touching as manipulation. He made me so reliant on him and wanting his approval that if  I would say no to him he would punish me by not touching me…. So I would say yes just to have that security.  In breaking my trust did he also break my desire to have people close to me?

Would I be different if I hadn't been friends with a socio-path?

Connection and Meaning

I guess for me I think that cuddling is something special and something sacred (wow that sounds really gay). I know there is a difference between a hug between friends and laying still sharing a moment with someone you care about. For me the moments with someone that you care for are few and few between and because of that I may put more emphasis on them than other people. The idea of sharing a bed with someone for the pure reason to cuddle kind of seems pointless unless you have that deeper something. Have I been reading to many romance novels so think that connection is actually a thing?

Would I be different if I didn't put so much stock in connection?

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate everyone and I will hug people but normally its only after I have known them for a while.  I guess its like a dog sniffing another dogs butt, once I know they are safe its ok to let my guard down and play with them (or am I getting the butt sniffing thing wrong? I know there is a correct dog metaphor in there somewhere). There are also some cases where I feel instantly at ease with people and will seek them out for hugs. Sadly there doesn't really seem to be an exact science to this. 

I guess its something that I just need to deal with and get over, I did some research about the benefits of hugging and they are all things that I could do with in my life. Did you know that cuddling a partner can improve the healing process of bruises and wounds due to the release of Oxytocin or that it reduces stress and the risk of heart disease. A good dose of cuddling can lower your blood pressure, drop your anxiety levels and boost your memory. I am working on it and expanding my circle all the time and remember if I cuddle you, make sure you realise how special you are. 

Don’t hug me, I will hug you 

Love and Snugglets

Miss K 

These cuddles I am actually ok with

Hygiene Hard Limits

Whilst on a trip to Perth recently I was enjoying the afternoon sunshine with my friends when we got onto the topic of a certain housemates ex girlfriend who I didn't really see eye to eye with. I mentioned that when ever she would stay at our house we would go through double the amount of toilet paper and triple the amount of soap and I just couldn't figure it out. I have this theory that she used the toilet paper to build herself a nest and maybe she ate the soap because really, I cant comprehend where else it might have gone. On making this comment my friend was disgusted that I shared soap with people because this was were germs come from. Please come on this germ ridden path with me as we delve further into this conversation and touch on Hygiene hard lines. 

Soap

It only makes sense to start at the beginning with the issue that first sparked the whole debate. I've never really thought about it but apparently sharing soap is unhygienic  We use it to rub all over our bodies and if we share it then someone else will be rubbing it on their bodies as well. When I said I was OK with sharing soap my friend was disgusted because "you stick soap up your bum" after the laughter had died down I let her know that I have never stuck the soap up my intimates but instead soap my hand and then go to brown town (sorry that one even grossed me out) or I choose to use a wash that is specifically designed for this area. It just never crossed my mind to be grossed out by it. If you are going to share soap at least have some soap sharing etiquette. Once you are done make sure your rinse it off and remove any hairs that may have strayed onto it and maybe refrain from sticking it up your bum crack. Everyone can be happy then. 

Is sharing soap ok?

Toothbrushes

I have this terrible habit of always forgetting my tooth brush when I go home to visit my dad so I am always forced to open the bottom draw of the bathroom and retrieve a new one to use for the duration of my stay (it also saves on my shopping bill as well), I guess this really isn't always an option for everyone. When I was 19 I remember being asked by one of my friends if he could borrow my tooth brush because he had forgotten his and I was appalled. Toothbrushes are sacred. I wouldn't want to share something that has been used to clean up someone's death breath. Death Breath comes from Bacteria. I have seen those Petri dishes, I don't want my Petri and someone else's Petri to join together and form a  monster Petri army that takes over the world. I don't want to be responsible for this?!!!??

Is sharing Toothbrushes ok?

Toothbrush storage may also be something that we might need to touch on. If your bathroom is like mine your toilet and bathroom are combined. I had a friend who wouldn't leave his toothbrush in the bathroom because when ever he would flush the toilet, the poo particles would fly out of the toilet, engulf and overrun his bristles. He would then in turn put those bristles in his mouth, I guess that gives a new meaning to the phrase "eating shit". Is it safe to leave your toothbrushes unattended with your toilet? I guess no one remembers to put the toilet seat down all of the time. 

Is it ok to shit where you brush?

Sharing Food with Animals

Look I understand that some people look at their pets as children and some people take this a bit further than others. My cousin openly admits to sharing icecream with her cat. In my head all I can see is a Lady and the Tramp-esque scene with her licking one side and the cat coming in from the other side as they loving lock eyes with each other across the top of their iced confection. Does anyone else see the problem with this? While my parents taught me the importance of sharing, there has to be a limit. I once had a cat and one of her favourite past times was licking her bum (because really, if you could do it wouldn't you?). So in reality by sharing food with your cat (or dog) you are effectively licking your cats bum hole. I don't know how I feel about this. 

N.B This is the same person who wont share soap but thinks that sharing tooth brushes are ok. 

Is it ok to share food with your pets?

General Food Sharing 

Have you ever thought about how many chips you touch when you put your hand into a bag and are digging for that prized chip possession? It really is like a lucky dip in there, You have to touch a lot before you finally decide on the one that you want. My dear friend has thought about this more than most and as such will not share her chips with people. I guess this sharing food doesn't bother me as much as some people seeing that one of my favourite past times (probably only because I cant lick my bum and all) is to eat strangers food. I don't know them, I will follow them, take what I want and walk away herp free. It hasn't backfired.... Yet. Is food from the street different to food from the bag?

Is it ok to share food?

Sharing Undergarments

When I was a small child I remember having to wear a pair of my grandmas knickers (I probably did that little kid thing and pissed myself). They were so big that we had to tie them up at the side with a lacky so that they didn't fall off. This is probably the only time that I have worn someone else knickers and really the only time it would be acceptable (I did wear my sisters bra once, that was some hilarity right there, Trying to jam my D's into her barely there very padded A's but for the outfits sake it had to be done). The girls I work with all think its ok as long as your underwear is clean, I don't know if I agree. I am fully aware that my friends have clean "gardens" (or I certainly hope they do) but cross pollination should not be a thing. Wearing nothing is preferential to wearing someone's something else, and it can have its perks. That shit needs to be ventilated.

Is it ok to share your "smalls"?

General Washing and Cleanliness

When I moved out of my old house, I had to leave my favourite house mate and I was concerned for his welfare without me there to tell him not to eat things out of the bin and to remind him to change his clothes. I gave him a quick run down and it pretty much goes like this. 

Underwear - change it. Every day. No excuses. This goes for socks as well. Actually every time you have a shower or change your clothes. This one shouldn't even have to be mentioned. 

Sheets - Once a fortnight in winter and once a week in summer. There is nothing better than that feeling of clean sheets and if I went home with a  guy and he was questionable about the last time that he changed his bed linen I would not sleep with him. The first time I went home with Ikea Flat pack his room was filthy and his Ninja Turtles bed spread and sheets looked like they hadn't been washed since Ninja Turtles were cool. I didn't sleep with him there and in fact went home because I couldn't deal with it. Who knows how many other girls they have slept with on those festy sheets and worse still how many times they have "slept" with themselves. 

Towels - These should be done with the same frequency as your sheets (they can all go in the same load so it shouldn't be a hassle). When I asked my friends how often they wash their towels two of them replied with "When they are smelly". My mouth fell open. You shower to get clean so why would you redirty yourself by using a dirty towel. Stink is normally caused by bacteria.... Sometimes I don't even use a towel. I just run back and jump in bed to get warm. But this is ok because of the sheet washing routine I have. You could always just drip dry. 

Really for washing there should be no excuses. I have to carry my laundry a km to the laundry mat in the beautiful *cough* Melbourne weather and still manage to keep up my wash routine. If you don't have enough socks or jocks GOD DAMN IT, BUY SOME!!!!!!!

Is it ok to prolong washing?

I guess I grew up in an environment of germ disregard. The 10 second rule is necessity, I ate an M&M off the floor the other day and I have no idea how long it had been sitting there for - LEGIT. I am all for sharing soap, drink bottles and any other means of things and I have managed to make it to 30 without dying so really are we all over cautious about stupid things? How did the world survive before the Dettol No Touch hand wash system? For me Germs can be like Pate, I know its liver and a little bit gross but I choose to ignore it and think only about what suits my lifestyle (and taste buds) best. So germs, what germs? 

Love and Parasites 

Miss K 

This one time at a strip club...

Some people are of the opinion that paying women to take their clothes off is demeaning or sexist or any number of other adjectives, I would like to take this opportunity to say that you are all wrong and probably no fun (yep its out now, I cant take it back). Some of my most memorable nights have happened in the dark confines of adult entertainment clubs. Its about the peoples that you meet, the things that you see and the drinks that you share. But hey look, if I am anything, I am realistic and over the years some "interesting" things have happened, I guess that's why Forrest Gump was right, you never really know what you are going to get. Here is some of what I have gotten. 

That piddle - whilst frequenting a venue recently I excused myself from the group to go and use the ladies, while I was standing at the basin touching up my lipstick one of the entertainers came in and promptly stepped into a stall. I was always under the impression that closing the door was the norm when using public restrooms but obviously this stripper didn't get that memo and proceeded to empty her bladder right in front of my eyes. Its ok to see it as just a few flaps of skin but I don't want to see what its actually meant for. Jesus, I totally got more than what I bargained for there. 

That Outfit - As I have written about in previous posts way back when in 2010 I went through a bit of a mental downturn and as a result I lost a truck load of weight so I had this banging body thing going on (not tooting my own horn or anything). I stupidly let my mum decide on a dress that I bought and lets just say its an outfit that I probably don't want to revisit. I went to a hens night and then on to meet the bucks at the strip club, on walking into the venue more than one guy tried to give me money and take my hand and on looking shocked one young lad asked "Are you working tonight?". No mate I'm not working, my mum just dressed me like a stripper. 

Vinyl and lacing up??? Why did I listen 

That Prickle - to celebrate my one year anniversary of moving to the 'Burn we decided to go and check out another kind of burn by heading to the strippers. I managed to secure myself a free lap dance as I was celebrating a momentous occasion. The hottest stripper of them all came over to my chair and did her thing but the whole time all I could think about was 1. keeping my legs shut, I didn't want anyone to see my knickers and wasn't sure when my last wax was and 2. golly, her legs are prickly. I know that I am probably doing it wrong, if while a lady is rubbing her lady parts of me I focused on her prickly legs. Surely she would have gone to work knowing that she was going to rub up against someone, shit I shave my legs when I get a text for a guy, you know, just in case. I really shouldn't complain though because a free lap dance is a free lap dances and saves my downloads in the future.

That Familiarity - One hard and fast rule that I stick to when I go to these kind of venues is not to give money to girls that I know. I guess its about them being a person, I learnt this person lesson the hard way. I got cheeky one night and held my money between my teeth for the awaiting dancer to take. She straddled my lap, ripped the money out of my mouth and then kissed me. Well that one was a shock. Its weird when your mates make out with you isn't it? I like my strippers nameless and voiceless. It makes me feel less dirty about shoving money in their bits. 

That Comparison - I made the mistake one evening while watching the "talent" to proclaim that my rack was better than the girls on stage. What happened next is a bit of a drunken blur but it ended up along the lines of some guy fondling my bosom and me saying "See!!! I told you so", I found out at a later date that he went around telling all his mates that he felt up this hot chic.... yeah, that wasn't really a thing. More booze, less talking. That's always gotta be the answer. 

That $2 feeling - Up until my 29th birthday I had never been to a peep show, after some lovely Mexican the boys decided it was a great idea to pop my dirty $2 cherry. If you have never been to a peep show I will give you this one suggestion. NEVER TOUCH ANYTHING, you may forget the girls that you see but you will never forget that smell. Jizz filled tissues have that certain aroma. I have been back a few times just for curiosity and to take peep show virgins (I even took a date their recently) and I have recently learnt that the Friday night girl is not better than the Monday girl and that in 30 seconds a lot of things can go in a lot of places. Storing your dildo in the top of your ripped stay up stockings is also super attractive. Do it...

That "I don't come here often" - I have the most gorgeous best friend and I knew her for a while before we got to be besties. I saw her one night at the Voodoo lounge in Perth and on seeing me she quickly proclaimed "I don't normally come here, don't judge me". This is not an isolated occasion either, many a time I have run into people I know who claim that its not a regular occurrence. Lets just call this one what it is, its really just an appreciation for the female form and the enjoyment of the atmosphere. If you are doing the wrong thing remember where you saw me and I am as debaucherous as you are 

That Underwear - It sounds like a TV thing to do but sometimes I forget to put underwear on, I get distracted by booze or make up or that dog with a fluffy tail and going to the strippers has taught me the danger of this. For my 28th birthday I got given the gift of a life time, all of my friends threw in their spare cash to get me some gash*, this had been one of those  forgotten my underwear nights. I got to the taxi before realising and luckily turned to run back inside to remedy the situation. Thank goodness I chose my lacey finest as "The Gash" proceeded to pull up my dress, revealing my arse to everyone as she whipped me. I apologise for those patrons who got more than they paid for that night. Your mum was right, you should always wear clean underwear in case you get hit by a bus (or a really hot stripper wielding a belt)

* This Gash is probably the most perfect women in the universe. Pale skin, curvy body and the most intense eyes. She is so perfect that I cant speak with her, because speaking with her would make her a person and then I would have to stop objectifying her.

I guess you take the good with the bad, the whipping, the double teaming, the searing pain. Its all part of this roller coaster called life and debauchery. I am also really committed to keeping jobs in Australia, so while you may look at it as sleezy, I am looking at it as fuelling the economy. 

Love and Lights (dim ones of course)

Miss K 

Whats to fear but fear itself and horses. Always Fear Horses

There are things in life that scare me, those little things that make my heart beat that little bit faster and make my breath catch in my throat. We all try to act like life and its contents don't affect us, but in reality that's not really true. So here they are, my inner most fears. I am not afraid to stand up and say that I am a fraidy cat and this world scares the bejesus out of me.  

I am scared of the Dark Dark - I am not talking about the dark that happens in the city when you turn your bedroom light off, I am talking about the wide open space, no moon kind of dark. Back in the day when I was young and ruthless I used to drive at break neck speeds on winding hilly roads for fun and the dark that was out there would scare me. I would always drive with my music down and my doors locked because in my head the serial killers that live out in the dark dark hills could run as fast as my car and they would make it their mission to kill me. I just laughed because I was never actually afraid of how much danger I was physically putting myself in. Its perspective I guess. 

I am scared of emotional intimacy - when I was young I used to take a lot of drugs, around this time I was also in relationship that wasn't really going places and should have been over for a while before it actually was. We didn't have good communication and we would only really talk about our feelings when we were high. We would come to a realisation the next day that we had inflated everything while we were inflated and that we just didn't have the real life emotions to back it up. From this time I have been really worried to talk about my feelings and deep and meaningful conversations make me run for the hills because I am always worried about the next day. This is also one of the reasons that I don't take drugs any more. So I guess maybe with this one it is part good and part bad.

I am scared of Horses - God damn, this one should really need no explanation but those giant headed creatures put the fear of god in me. It might be the evil look that they get in their eyes or the fact that one bit me or that another one ran away with me perched on its back but what ever it is I am not really interested in being their friends. 

I am scared of not feeling that way - you know the way that I am talking about, that feeling that takes your breath away and sends your stomach flitting off into the heavens. I think its called true love. I've felt it twice and now I wont settle for anything less. What if I don't feel it again and this is all that life is?

I am scared of being Alone - I don't mean spending time by myself for days at a time because I actually genuinely like that kind of thing but I mean I fear being alone for eternity. On the night of my 30th Birthday I managed to entrap a 23 year old in my web and took him home. Up until this point I had not had the Turning 30 panic and it wasn't until Mr 23 brushed the hair away from my face and kissed my forehead and said with great sincerity "are you not worried that you are 30 and alone?" that I started to panic. He drifted off into an exhausted sleep (I guess I thought I had something to prove to him because I was 30 so he probably got the best night of his whole life) and I lay there staring at the ceiling thinking about my life and its lack of meaning. What if this is as good as it ever gets? Rolled into this one would also be the fear that I will never have kids (which I didn't even know I wanted until I was 28), life has thrown me some curve balls in relation to my reproductive health and I am scared about this most days.

I am scared of Spiders - I was bitten by a white tip on my foot once, thankfully my foot did not rot and fall off but it did leave me with an irrational fear of spiders. The way they crawl and are everywhere and yuck. I have nightmares about spiders being in my bed and wake up and have to turn the lights on and make sure there is nothing there. Many years ago I needed to buy myself a new home phone due to a spider, I walked outside chatting away when a * spider/spiders web brushed across my face. As you can imagine I went into full spider reaction Ninja mode and the phone went flying and skidded across the pavement and smashed. Realistically this fear is stupid because I am much bigger than they are. 

I am scared of Letting People Down - I have made it my mission in life to make life better for other people, I want to make people smile and genuinely make a difference. I am always worried that I wont be able to do this. The idea of letting someone down or that someone doesn't like me is sometimes too much to bare. This means that something that other people wouldn't give a second thought too, I will fixate on for days. I have never heard my dad yell, but I have heard this a few times (thankfully not very many) "I am really disappointed in you". Those 6 words crush my soul. I will do anything to avoid hearing them.

I am scared of Stupid Shit - Having an active imagination can get in the way of life sometimes and make you worry about stupid shit that you really shouldn't. When I was about 16 I used to babysit this little tike called Ross, I was babysitting one night and there was some cardboard stuck to their dining table (probably the work of the small child) and whilst distracting myself from my homework I managed to clean all of the cardboard off the table revealing a beautiful surface underneath. After it was done I was filled with giant remorse. What if this piece of cardboard had been stuck there by a now departed family member and they were keeping it as a reminder of him? (I kid you not, I actually had this thought) There were any number of scenarios that ran through my head and I panicked about all of them. The thought bothered me for days and I was so worried that I would get into trouble. In reality though I probably did them a favour. Other stupid things I am afraid of is: how much money I have in my bank, people standing to close to me, girls I dont really know dancing up against me. touching stray hair whilst cleaning the bathroom.

I am scared of things working out - this really is a stupid one but I realised it this morning while I was laying in bed thinking about the date that I had on Friday. I went out with a guy who is really good looking and nice and smart and all the things that a girl could want (despite his lack of beard) and I think he is in to me too but in my head I keep thinking about how its going to fail because I haven't heard from him or because I am me. I am more used to things not working so things actually going right scares me (I normally don't get to the second date for example). 

So I guess you can see that I am actually scared of everything. They say that we are always our own biggest critic and this is probably in reality where most of my fear comes from, its born inside a head that has no confidence and little direction. I think we all think the world expects us to be grown up and have it together, but really does anyone actually have these things in control? 

No scary movies for me thanks, life is fear enough. 

Love and Insecurities 

Miss K 

N.B - The spider web actually turned out not to be a spider at all and instead was my hair brushing against my face. I don't tell many people this because then they think I am crazy. But I'm not. Well, not entirely anyway.