Sometimes I Hate Reality

Today as I jumped onto the scale at my local Fat Fighters meeting I was dreaming off the giant numbers that would pop up and then everyone would cheer and I would make my way victoriously back to my team, but what actually happened was some over weight lady got onto the scale (with her top on) faced the wall while a silent lady wrote down her weight and handed her back her piece of paper. In case you were wondering I lost 900 grams in the last week, not quiet a Kilo but I am going to say that its a Kilo because I needed to wee and I haven't pooped for a few days so that extra baggage would have been weighing me down. I am getting off topic though, what struck me today was the fact that I hate it when reality isn't like the TV, its a bit disappointing don't you think? Here are some not so like TV moments that spring to mind...

Losing a Million Kilos When Starting a Diet - Seeing this was the thought that started it all off I guess I can start here. When I jumped on the scales today and lost a reasonable 900 grams I should have been happy because that's a great achievement and its the recommended weight loss for sustainability but if I am honest (which I generally am) I was slightly disappointed. See I have been watching The Biggest Loser so I am conditioned to think that losing 5+kg a week is an attainable goal when realistically it isn't. I am not working out three times a day and I have to cook my own meals. It would be pretty awesome if it was 5kg a week because then in a month I would be banging without all this hard work.

Girls Stay Beautiful When working out - I have seen them on the TV, I watch Aerobics Oz Style (actually is that still on?) when they work out they still look amazing, they don't sweat and their hair stays perfect, in reality I get so red faced that I may be mistaken for a tomato and I have sweat literally pouring from me. Either the girls on TV know about some sweat resistant make up that I don't know about or they aren't exercising hard enough. Hmmm I must add "Call Aerobics Oz Style to find out makeup brand" to my list of things to do. 

Burgers on TV - mmmm the mouth watering flamed grilled goodness, with its fresh juicy tomato and crisp green lettuce, yes you know what I am talking about. When was the last time you saw a burger that actually had green lettuce on it? I am going to hazard a guess to say never. This kind of reality is OK if its a tried and tested favourite ie/ a Whopper BUT if its something new that you are looking forward to trying you will be filled with disappointment in the fact that what you subscribed to isn't what you actually get. Maybe I am just Naive... who knows 

Recipe Book Pictures - I know that I am no Master Chef but I don't do too badly for myself but for the fucking life of me I can never make the food I am cooking looking like the picture that is in the fucking book. WHY!!!!!!! Why do you defy me food, if they can do it I should be able to as well. It says Simple on the Recipe. Why do you lie? 

Forever Lipstick - The TV tells me that you can get this lipstick that wont rub off, is never flaky, or never dry etc etc, I always fall for the latest and greatest hoping that this time it will be different but it never is. I can not make my Lipstick last forever and I leave a trail of destruction in my wake and a lot of guys with cover stories to fabricate. I think that possibly I need a make up artist and some studio lights to follow me around all the time just so I am constantly looking at my best. 

We are Nearly Finished - On the TV tattoos are quick and painless and its all sunshine and light but really that's not the case and on the TV when they say "We are almost done" means that they are almost done. Let me give you the 4-1-1 when a tattooist says "We are nearly done" you aren't nearly done, they are just telling you that to calm you down and give you a false sense of hope that the stabbing pain shall soon be stopping. I kinda trick myself like this when I am on the cross trainer "You're nearly done, you are nearly done" and slowly it helps the minutes tick by. 

Runway Fashion - I am well aware that I am not a size 4 stick model with no bosoms and a stupid fringe so I probably cant get away with most of the fashion that is worn on the runway but clothes in general I guess shit me. It looks amazing on the dummy, it looks amazing when I try it on in the shop but when I get home I have suddenly turned into Gina Rinehart and I look hideous. Why is there a difference between store reality and real life? Them sales people and their clever tricks. Flat Pack Ikea had this theory that stores shoot pheromones into the air and that's what attracted women to them.... I think he may actually be on to it. 

Recreational Glamorous Drug Taking - While I haven't done it in years I watch the kids on the TV (I am re-watching Skins at the moment to put it all into perspective) take drugs and they are all beautiful and starry eyed and happy, they dance a lot, have a lot of sex and wake up in the morning feeling chipper. Here is the reality for you, you wont feel great the next day, you may sweat so much that you look like you have pissed yourself and at that moment you realised that grey pants were a terrible idea and you are so scattered that you cant talk or move and you just threw up in the corner. I think if maybe they sold this image to children less people would take drugs. Though saying that I went through this cycle for years and the only thing that I changed was the colour of the pants that I wore. 

Graceful Water Nymphs - When I enter the pool the water barely ripples, I dive smoothly in, gracefully breast stroke a few meters under the water and then emerge with my hair billowing gently behind me. When has that ever happened? never that's when. Its more like make a splash that sets of the Tsunami warnings in the Pacific, swim with your retarded left leg (it has a problem going in the right direction) and pop up a few meters later with hair all of your face, gasping for breath. I wish I was one of the graceful ladies that can lower themselves carefully down the steps into the waiting water below, I haven't had a wax for a few weeks so I have to quickly run to the pool and get in before anyone spots the stray hairs on my bikini line. 

Reality isn't beautiful and glossy with flawless everythings and bright colours, its dull and awkward and sweaty and a little bit cardboardy. Now that I think about it I might actually stop going out and instead stay home and immerse myself in more TV. Reality is on the outside of my house and really who wants to go there. 

Love and Bubble Bursting 

Miss K 

Single Celebrations and Whoo Hooos

I have been single for more of my life than I have been taken and for some people this would be upsetting stats, but being the glass half full kind of person that I am, I instead rejoice at the fact that being single means more time for me and I am my favourite person. I have also embarked on a weight loss journey and as part of that I have said no to dating until I have lost at least 10kg so I thought I would take a moment to reflect on reasons why it is awesome to be single. Here they are, in no particular order

You don't have to share your bed - I like my space, I am also pretty tall and wide so I need more space than your average person and I don't like people touching me when I am trying to sleep. I laugh when I think back to my first boyfriend, we used to share a single bed. WTF!!! how did I ever manage to do that when now days I take up a full double bed to myself, there isn't even room for more than one pillow.

Dating is Expensive - I know that people think that boys should pay for dates but my dad raised me differently and I am from another school of thought so I like to pay my way and/or shout them so dating can be pretty hazardous to your bank account. If you don't go on dates you can stay home and eat tinned soup and save the money you would have spent to go towards your Cat Lady Starter Kit.

Hair is Ok - When I am between boyfriends I don't have to shave my legs or wax my vagina which is a big time saver. No one will care that my legs are sporting their own winter coat because no one will see them or have to feel them. I think some of the time the main reason I go and get waxed is because I genuinely like my Waxer (and if she reads this, yes I know I am overdue for my next appointment, I will get onto to that ASAP), I always used to get waxed and be like YEAH, I am going to totally get laid. But then I never did. So really whats the point?

Rotunder Pants - I will admit that I like to wear sensible large cotton underpants. Wearing lacey little somethings are great for making you feel sexy when you are going out and for special occasions but I find it tiring for every day life. Being single makes it acceptable to wear Cotton Rotunderpants that are maybe a bit faded and possibly have holes in  them. No one is going to see so everyone can just celebrate the fact that I remembered to put underwear on today. And if I do get hit by a bus having clean jocks on is probably going to be the least of my worries. 

This lady put out a fire with her underpants, no fire would start in mine.

No need to hold it in - I don't know why but I am always shy about farting in front of other people and I most certainly would never think about doing a poo when anyone else is around. When I was dating the army brat I used to drive home to poo just so that he would think that I was pure and didn't defecate (as a medical professional I am sure he knew that I did though). Holding Poops and Farts in is probably detrimental to your health and aint no body got time fo that. 

Not in the Mood, No Worries - It happens sometimes when you aren't always in the mood when your partner is. If you are single that doesn't really matter and there is no guilt involved in saying no to yourself. This one is a bit of a double edged sword though, when you are in the mood, well you just gotta sort that shit out yourself. 

Crushing on crushes - Being single gives you all the time in the world to day dream about your latest crush, its a nice feeling to feel those butterflies in your stomach constantly, even if most of the time they are unrequited and don't go anywhere. Its still nice to day dream. You also don't need to think that the grass is greener on the other side because to many you are on that greener grass. 

No Talking, Roger - It might come as a surprise but sometimes I just don't like talking.  I will happily come back to my little house and not speak to anyone for days. Being single allows you a sort of selfishness, you don't need to contact that person (whether it is through obligation or desire). The single life caters to the hermit in me. 

Look I fully understand that if you have a great relationship all of these things come along with that as well, when you get settled they wont care about your hairy legs or your giant underpants and you will probably start pooping with the door open but that all takes time. Until I find someone that is worthy of that time I am sure as hell going to celebrate the life of singledom, its not a bad living and it always leads to adventure so how can I complain? Beyonce wouldn't have made a dance about it if it wasn't cool. Just you think about that...

Love and Solo Sailing  

Miss K 

Diary of a Fat Girl

My name is Kerry and it has come to my attention recently that I now weigh as much as a small car, something sporty like a Fiat, but none the less still a car.All of the warning signs were there that the middle age spread was happening, my clothes started to get a bit tighter and I could most certainly see that my face was getting plumper, but as long as I didn't smile I would be able to cover that up. Selfies these days call for serious faces anyway so it was easy to get away with. I went to run and I could feel my every lump and bump, lumping and bumping along the road with me and it wasn't awesome. I am disappointed that I let myself get to this point as you can imagine. I once had a friend say to me that you can sleep with a girl as long as she has one of the good elements, either a nice face and an average body or an average face and a nice body (obviously its a bonus if they have both but beggars cant be choosers) and in his opinion it was my face that let me down, well as you can imagine now my body has let me down so I am pretty much fucked... so what am I going to do about it? Bring on Operation "Getting out of the carpark". While being fat has its perks (bigger boobs, being able to pretend you are pregnant to get a seat on the tram) don't they always say that nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?

Here was going to be the spot where I told you why it isn't my fault that I got fat but I am not going to do that because the only person that made me fat was me. I don't remember the last time that I weighed myself and when I did I was a few kgs over weight but it didn't really bother me because I was happy with the way I looked, now I am 10kg heavier than that and I think it has a lot to do with the donuts that I have been eating and the lack of exercise that I have been doing. I guess in my head I thought that since I don't have a car here in Melbourne and I walk everywhere it would all come out in the wash, but really having no car may have been a bit of a downfall for me. Not having a car means that you cant actually go grocery shopping properly because you have to lug everything the km to your house so quick cooking light foods were always the way to go. I have since discovered Coles on line. Excuse Busted. 

In relation to exercise I havent stepped foot inside of a gym since leaving Perth and this disappoints me a lot because I used to love working out and now every time I try any vigorous exercise (ie. running) I can feel my belly jiggling and threatening to knock me out. Before I left Perth I was rear ended by a truck and got a tear in my rotator cuff and this has limited what I can do but there is always a way around it and I just couldn't be bothered looking for it. I went in and joined the gym on Thursday afternoon and as is always the case when you are feeling sweaty and the size of a whale the most gorgeous guy you have ever met is serving on the counter, I know that he probably works on Commission but he was complimentary and encouraging and I subsequently gave him all my money. 

I have also joined Weight Watchers to help me fight the fat, I feel that I need to be accountable to someone and having to go in every week and step on the biggest loser scales is enough to make anyone want to keep on track. I will admit to being very nervous when I went to my first meeting, in my head I was convinced that I would rock up and be the fattest person there (I wasn't) everyone would judge me for having to be there (they didn't) and the meeting leader would treat me like the lady from Little Britain and tell you that all you can eat is dust (she didn't). The leader was really nice, she made small talk to try and relax me but I admit to finding it difficult to follow what she was saying because in my head the arsehole was screaming "You're Fat, You're Fat. She is judging you because you are fat and she looking for a car park to put you into". Sometimes that voice in my head is a dickhead and I don't like him (I just realised that I said the voice in my head was a guy... and this is strange because I am a women... but it is a guy. Maybe its the same as most cars being girls).

My goal is to fit back into my little blue dress (picture below) and I am probably three sizes off being able to do that. Every time I have worn this dress amazing things have happened that have helped my confidence or given me a laugh. Once I wore it to a wedding and picked up the bar tender and one time I convinced a guy to take me back to his house to cook me sausages and then left when I was finished eating (much to his dismay, I think he was looking for some sausage action of his own). Its time to create some more memories with it. To help me to get to here I have put a limit on myself so I don't fall off the wagon. I have about 20kg to lose before I am at my target weight so until I lose half of that I am not buying Sneakers and I am not having Sex*, its kinda like taking a kids TV away, if you take something off them that they really like then they are going to behave to get it back. 

* there is a clause here, if I meet a "Sparkler" (someone that takes my breath away) and a relationship is going to happen then this rule does not apply. It more applies for meaningless random hookups, not that I really do that anymore anyway.

But look, I am nothing if not realistic. I am fully aware that even after I lose all this weight its not going to be a magic fix for my life, I will never be stick skinny, the box gap will still be a whole lot of Selleys no more gaps and I will probably still have thighs that will rub together with enough friction to start a small scrub fire. This is just the way that my body is made. So what will I do when I finally hit my goal weight? Maybe eat a giant cake (yes a whole one) but that would probably be counter productive. Maybe I could do a nude photo shoot to show off my new svelte figure and then hang the photos in the lounge room to make my visitors feel awkward when the are sitting down to their tea and fat free biscuits. But most probably I will put on the blue dress, my best pair of Peeptoes (probably the amazing ones that I got for Christmas) and take my pins out on the town to cruise for men.

All of this desire to lose weigh does not mean that I find fuller figured women less attractive. I follow a few blogs on Tumblr that are specifically devoted to these types of women and their confidence and radiance gives me a kick in the pants for worrying so much about the skin that I am in. I will always 100% prefer the shape of a curvy women than to that of a skinny skinny or muscular women (but I am also aware that this is just the way that some peoples bodies are. Like mine always being more plump... that's just what happens) but I am looking to do this change because I don't feel confident or radiant in my skin. If I am not able to love me, how can anyone else be able to love me.

Love and Lady Lumps

Miss K

P.S Let me let you in on a little inside secret, My watch weights 197 grams (I kid you not), its like a little get out of jail free card. If I have a bad week with my food and still want to lose weight, take my watch off and Bingo. Done.  But I will keep that one up my sleeve for now (ohhh see what I did there) and put it in the break in case of emergency box.

P.P.S The main reason that I feel its time to take my rotunder pants off is because I am afraid of getting a fat pubis. Look I deserve to be fat because of poor life choices but its not fair of me to bring my vagina into this, what did it ever do to me?

P.P.P.S The seats at Weight Watchers are all normal size and they all have arms on them. I don't know why but it struck me as odd, maybe Melbourne only has relatively small obese women. Not like the lady that is in Whats Eating Gilbert Grape or Bogan Pride. 

Disclaimer: I will still probably be the fat girl stereotype though - just a fat girl in a thin girls body (hopefully). It appear that I only have one level... and that is loud and obnoxious.

The sense of home

I was thinking today about the things that Perth does better than Melbourne, there are just a few  quintessential things which are characteristically Perthian for me, things like Spearmint Milk, Tall Men and great beaches. On throwing these musings up on Facebook I was met with shouts of "You Should come home" (whether they were serious or not is neither hear nor there) so I would like to share something with you, here is where my heart lays and don't they say that home is where the heart is? This is what Melbourne means to me 

I do miss this...

The new and the unknown - I lived in Perth for 20 years and its pretty safe to say that I got around, I saw the sights, I ate the delights and pretty much just made myself comfortable. I was worried that I was becoming stagnant in Perth, I drifted between jobs and events and never really felt like I was getting anywhere. In Melbourne everything is new and exciting, there is something around every corner that I have never seen before and that can take my breath away. I think that there is a possibility that these things were in Perth as well but maybe I couldn't see the Forrest for the trees (or the trees for the Forrest which is probably the case)? I feel alive when my breath is taken away. I appreciate things a whole heap more. 

Unknown treasures down Alleyways

Strengthened Relationships - I know this one might be hard to understand but they say absence makes the heart grow stronger and I 100% agree. I am now closer to my sister and a lot of friends since moving. It probably has a lot to do with taking people for granted, I guess we think that they are always going to be there because they always are. Now I am not around all the time its really important for me to make the moments counts when I have them. When I am back in Perth my time is precious and I very rarely get a chance to relax but none of that really matters because the moment spent with people I love bolster up my soul in the moments when I am away from them. Sure I miss them but it also gives me something to look forward to and a light at the end of my journey. 

Sneaking home to surprise my family at Christmas Time

I like the Isolation - I love the fact that I can come home in the afternoon, turn my phone off (and my computer) and I'm done for the night. I can count the amount of people that know where I live easily on my fingers so it makes it easy to disappear. I am fundamentally a hermit, I like my own company and retreating into myself to sort myself out. Tonight is the first night at home I have had in weeks and it feels great just to do nothing and be no where. In Perth it was more likely that I would have things on, places to go, people to see and a feeling of obligation. I don't really have that here and its nice. 

Just Me...

The people intrigue me - This one is really no surprise, I love people (despite my above comment on being a hermit, its a delicately balanced seesaw) and there are so many new people here. I am forced out onto the streets to talk to new people and go to new places because my support network just isn't as big here. I like the anonymity, no one has preconceived notions about me, there isn't any gossip and I can just get on with being me and trying to make good first impressions. When I first got here it excited me to have a chance to reinvent myself because I was worried that I was the person that people expected of me and not the person I actually wanted to be, well it turns out they are in fact one and the same. Perth Kerry is Melbourne Kerry, she just maybe wears a lot of scarves and leggings as pants now. 

The first time in Melbourne I felt like me.

Something to Look Forward to - Living here has given me more to look forward to, whether it be the trips back to Perth, the plane rides (I actually really like going on planes) or people coming to visit me. Its little events to get excited for. I love people coming to visit me because I can show them what makes the city great for me, it might be the dorky architectural knowledge that I gained from some guided tour that I took or that special spot on Flinders Street that is warm and smells like a laundry. I live for these moments, it helps me to share my world with people and hopefully in their heads it helps them to feel better about me being here. 

I always look forward to this...

Healing - This one is one that might be a bit hard to understand but being in Melbourne has helped me to heal. I had some not so nice things happen a few years ago that left me damaged and scared of everything. While I made steps to get better in Perth all of the panic attacks that I felt attached themselves to memories of the places I always went. Being here in new places has given me a chance to make new memories. I haven't had bad experiences and its normally sensory overload so I don't have to time to get panicked and feel out of my depth. It still does catch me sometimes but the events are certainly becoming fewer and further between. It also makes disappearing easier when no one in the crowd is waiting for you. 

This helps.

Sure, its not all sunshine and roses and sometimes its really hard to be so far away from everyone but what doesn't kill you only makes you strong and I know I am only ever a 4 hour flight away. Who knows how I am going to feel in the coming years (or even months) and I may well pack up and head back West but for now my roots are firmly planted and I am growing towards the sun every day. Life is pretty magical when you truly feel like you belong and you are right where you are meant to be at this moment. 

Love and Branching Out 

Miss K 

P.S I would like to send a giant shout out to all my Perth friends who take the time to catch up with me when I am back, you always welcome me with open arms. I used to be scared about coming back because time had passed and I have missed out on things but when you have such a strong link of friendship none of that really matters and you can just pick up where you left off. I may be away but you are never really far from my thoughts. I love you all. 

P.P.S And another Giant shout out to my friends here, you guys probably don't realise how much you mean to me and my survival. You have taken me in, no questions asked, you accept me, you laugh at my jokes and you make me feel like I have a family here. I honestly think you got the raw end of the deal getting me but I am smart enough to not point it out. I love you all. 

Communal Toilets - Nothing Private about that

Working in a large office environment you have no choice but to get acquainted with the toileting habits of your work comrades and this has lead me to believe that the human female species is actually pretty disgusting with their nether region movements. Here are my observations, my ponderings, my musings if you must on the state of Australian Ablutions 

One Flush , Two Flush? - I understand the two flush if you have done a certain type of nasty movement and there is still evidence remaining, that's just courtesy but why flush the toilet before you start. There is a girl/s at my work that the first thing they do is flush the toilet when they enter the cubicle. On talking to the girls last night apparently this is to get rid of anything that may be in the bowl and risk splashing up when you are doing your business. How strong is your stream for fucks sake??? If you have a wee that can cause splash back you should probably call the Guinness book of records about that. 

Washing your hands - BEFORE YOU BEGIN??? I can understand doing it once you have finished but what is the mind set behind washing your hands before you go into the cubicle? Surely you know where your hands have been and should be ok with them going down into  your garden? And unless I have been doing it wrong this whole time, there should be a layer of something between your hand and your vagina so it should be protected from all of those nasty somethings. I don't even ever remember washing my hands before going to the toilet when I had been working on my car all day and my hands were greasy as a deep fryer... and I don't think that makes me a bad person. After all there are water restrictions and everybody has to do their bit to save the planet. 

Strain - Yes its true, sometimes when we try to poop we have to concentrate a bit harder but I personally feel that we should reserve these kind of movements for when we are in the privacy of our own houses. If you are sitting at work and your brow is creased in concentration while you are trying to push out a giant log its not ready yet. Let it cook for a bit longer before you try and take it out of the over. Having to smell your poop is one thing, but actually having to hear it fight its way out of you is another one entirely.

Same Schedule - I don't know who's fault this one is but I am going to blame it on mother nature, I am now on the same peeing schedule as another lady that is in my building. I have heard of women synchronising their menstrual cycles but their toilet breaks as well?(yes guys this actually happens. I mustn't have a dominant cycle because its always me that changes to suit everyone else). Now every time we see each other in the washing up area (atleast 3 times a day) we both awkwardly laugh and make that stupid dad joke "we have to stop meeting like this, people will start to talk". I even started using the toilet on level 2 so it doesn't happen. 

Neglected Middle Cubicle - Its pretty common that the cubicle closest to the door gets the most usage, and then the one at the end because everyone likes the safety of the wall beside them, but what about the poor middle cubicle? It is only really looked at as a second option if the two ends are taken. I have started to make the middle cubicle mine now just so it doesn't feel left out. This may also have something to do with the traumatic experience that happened a few weeks ago. After 5.30 when everyone had gone home I thought I would do a sneaky poop before I went home (I felt the need), I went into the first cubicle, finished my business without much strain and then on looking down to retrieve some toilet paper I noticed that both rolls were empty. There is no drip dry option with number twos so I had to do the awful rotunderpants around my ankle shuffle to the middle cubicle to retrieve some paper. I feel that I owe the middle cubicle its dues now. 

Nest Building  - How much is too much? is there overkill on the amount of toilet paper that you need to adequately complete your clean up? Either you have made a giant mess or you are lining your nest. I sit in my cubicle hoping that I don't let out a little fart while I am relaxing to do a wee and you are sitting in yours pulling sheet after sheet off the roll. What do you do with it? I am a three sheet for a wee (folded in half and then half again) and 5 sheets for a poop (same principle, in half and then half again. Repeat until clean, three times minimum even if the first two come up clean). Maybe they need so much because they are scrunchers, there is no method to the scrunchers madness.

Urine on the Seat - In my office, I am equal youngest, I have been wiping myself for say 25 years now and I think that I have it down pretty well. If I can do it I wonder why others cant? Its not like I am asking you preform brain surgery. Considering this information, how the fuck do people still manage to get piddle on the seat when they are done? If it was an isolated incident I could forgive it but this is at least a twice daily occurrence. Two things come in to play here 1. How did it happen and 2. Why didn't you check the area before you left? On pondering this question last night one of my friends offered this explanation "its those ladies with filthy pubic hair who stand up to wipe themselves and drip everywhere". In my head the only image that I have is of those dogs with the furry mouths after they have had a drink. WHYYYYYY!!!!!!!

Shit Stains - I may have changed my thoughts on this but it is ok to shit at work if you really need to but I still believe that you should have some etiquette about it. If you make a stain, clean it up. I have been into the toilet on a few occasions and there has been stains that go all the way up to the rim. Clearly if you have managed to have it as far reaching as that you are in for a bad time and you should probably be at home nursing your exploding anus. 

Yes I feel strongly about toileting, I feel its one of those issues that is neglected. And here I am just saying what everyone else is really thinking. Happy movements people, and here is to hoping you don't have to be involved in anyone elses. 

Love and Flushings 

Miss K 

Smiles dont Lie.... they are everywhere

Sometimes I think that people get so caught up in the negative feels in life that they don't take time out to realise how many reasons there are to smile, I am talking about those little unexpected things that have you high fiving and fist pumping on your inside. Here are some catalysts to my happy and the creeping smiles that they bring. 

Fresh Sheets - Saturday is one of my favourite days of the week. Not only for the sleep ins but because its clean sheet day. That stiffly tucked, delightful smelling softness that makes bed time the best time of the day. 

Make Up from the Night Before - Yeah look I know its a cardinal sin to sleep in your makeup and its bad for your skin and blah blah blah but really there is nothing better than waking up from a big night and having your make up still good to go. A dusting of pressed powder, a quick coat of mascara and some lip gloss and you are good for the day. I am sure you know by now that I am all  about working smarter not harder. 

Peeing after holding on - You are busting, beyond busting, physical pain level and you only just manage to get your pants down before a little bit trickles out (you are lying if you say that it hasn't happened to you), that pee feels like the best thing that has ever happened to you in your existence. I've had better pees than I have had orgasms.... that's how good that feeling is. 

First Beer of a Hot Day - The VB song started playing in my head just then, cause a hard earned thirst etc etc. You've been working hard all day, you're parched, that beer does amazing things to your insides as it travels its way down your food pipe. I personally prefer to use Cider but any amber beverage would suffice. You've earned it 

Clean STD Tests - I am by no stretch of the imagination a whore (despite what you may read in my blog, those experiences have been spread over many years) but I am super paranoid about getting any of those dreaded STDs so I go and get tested on the regular even if I am not engaging in sexual activities and I KNOW that I ALWAYS used condoms on my adventures. When the tests come back clean that sense of relief that you feel is euphoric. 

N.B If you get Chlamydia what evs, I know more people that have had it than those that haven't. I will admit to having had it. It was the worst experience of my life and I don't think my vagina confidence has been the same since. I have been tested three times since the incident because I am so paranoid that really it didn't go away and its still lurking in the background and will suddenly pop up and go "SURPRISE. SLUT!!!!" 

A Message from a Guy you Like - I am probably one of the most level headed people that I know (Well i like to think that I am) but if I get a message from a guy that I like I turn into this big gooey smiley pile of mush. To know that someone is thinking of you just as much as you are thinking of them is pretty special. This is always out weighed with the disappointment that you feel when the message is actually from someone else, yeah sure its good that someone is thinking of you, but its just not that someone that you want. 

Sunsets - There is a line in Macklemores song that goes "Oh damn, look what God Did" and this is what I feel about sunsets (even though he was talking about a girl). I wish for amazing sunsets every day, and when there is one I am constantly caught staring at the sky. Its one of life's little magic moments. 

Seeing My Dad - I don't hide the fact that I am a daddies girl. My Dad is hands down my most favourite person in the whole world. He is smart and witty and makes me laugh and fills his fridge with Polony and Spearmint Milk when I am coming home because he knows how much I like them. I think I used to take advantage of the fact that he would always be around and then when I moved I realised how much I missed our time together. Dads are awesome. End. 

Smiles - It does matter who they come from but when they are genuine and directed at you they ignite something within you. I have a current smile obsession with Tuka, when ever I see his smile in a photo it just makes me smile. Smiles Don't Lie after all. 

Food with a surprise flavour - I was eating a salad at the pub the other night and there was a bit of coriander in my salad. I love Coriander (I know that it is not to every ones tastes) and it made me smile. I loved the fact that my Wednesday night steak could throw me a little curve ball. We are so conditioned to having things one way so when they are a little bit different its gotta make you have them feels. 

Living in a City where love is accepted - I was walking down Bourke Street Mall the other day (for those who aren't aware of Melbourne, its the main shopping street and its always PACKED) and saw a couple holding hands, this is a pretty normal occurrence yeah?  but this was a Gay couple. They were oblivious to the world and their love for each other was so apparent that it made me eyes water a bit. And the best thing of all of this was the fact that no one was judging or giving them strange looks because it isn't "the norm". It made me happy to be here and be part of my generation. 

Chivalry - In this day and age where everyone is always after what is best for them and damn everyone else, moments where chivalry isn't dead take you by surprise. Last week every time I was in the lift with a guy he always waited until I got out before he got out and today the guy that I went out with opened all the doors for me. Its a little thing that speaks volumes, people are still willing to put someone else first with no payback... thats pretty awesome dont you think? 

They say that money cant buy happiness and I am 100% in agreement with that. My happiness generally comes from things that are free, life is beautiful, you just need to take the time to notice it. 

Love and Smiles 

Miss K 

2.36... That smile. It gets me every time. 

I've called it quits on Masturbation and Pornography

As I roll along in my 30th year, I have come to a realisation about the adult entertainment industry and the affect that it has on my life, so I shall like to proclaim loudly now that I, Miss K, am going to give up watching porn and stop masturbating( well at least cut down the amount that I do it) until I feel like I can have a normal relationship again. What do porn and masturbation have to do with normality?  Who we are as a sexual being has a big affect on the way that everything else in our life is, so I want to bring a bit of the balance back. Here are my thoughts

Pornography and Masturbation brings about Desensitisation 

Physically - You could say that I started to run before I even learnt to walk and skipped the whole step of manual stimulation and went straight to mechanical. From what I understand of it, the clitoris is a bit of a sensitive organ and I feel that I might have busted mine and done myself a great disservice by going straight to the hard stuff. It makes reaching climax more difficult and if I don't have a mechanical aid its pretty much near impossible. I used to date a guy who rarely came during intercourse and instead he would sneak into the bathroom when I was "sleeping" to finish himself off. That hurt my pride and made me feel pretty shit about myself, I wasn't able to do something for him that was my "job" and over the years I have inadvertently done the same thing to all the guys that I have been intimate with. By giving it up, will sensitivity return and make their jobs easier? I guess its worth a try. 

Mentally - When I first started watching porn I had very very very vanilla tastes, just your normal bit of missionary penetration and I was good to go. As with everything though the more you see the more you need and I find myself googling the more extreme things as time goes on. If you had have asked me as an 18 year old who was just loosing her virginity I would have been adamant to the fact that anything to do with anal would not interest me... well it would appear that times have changed. I always wonder if I would be as sexually adventurous in bed if it wasn't for my Redtube browsing.I am ok with where my tastes sit at the moment, they are somewhere between the vanilla and the chocolate but I am concerned as to what the next level up is... 

Pornography and Masturbation give us Unrealistic Expectations 

Men - If you are a man you should be able to last for an eon, you will have an overly large sized sabre and know how to use it with great precision. If this was the case and I was sexually inexperienced I would have been in for a world of disappointment for nearly 3/4 of the men I have been intimate with. The overly large sized sabre is not as common as you would expect and minute men are a thing more often than not (well for me anyway). Guys start to think that all girls only like big cocks, when infact thats very rarely the case. Having a porn size doodle is probably more of a hinderance than a help because when you take your pants off girls get a strange look on their face, its the look that goes "How is that going to fit in there". Unless you are dating another porn star most girls dont have gaping vaginas (actually I have nothing to base this on because I have never encounted another vagina). If you do feel less than adequate with what you are packing find your other skill and make up for it. If you arent born with it, learn it.

Women - As a women, you should be gagging for it, probably literally most of the time, its your way of showing love (?) and you should be able to come on demand with two strokes, I personally think that most guys go into sexual encounters with this preconceived notion, I have been asked many many times "are you going to come" and instead of making them feel inadequate I fake it, its easier for everyone. He pats himself on the back, I can go to sleep and the world is at peace again. 

Don't get me wrong, I know what I am doing is bad and that it just keeps the vicious cycle rolling but sometimes telling a little white lie is better than hurting someones feelings. Sex should be about learning and growing with your partner and getting them to a point where they are able to incite that reaction from you but unless you are in a relationship with open communication channels this may not be as easily said as done. 

From the porn that I have watched it would appear that most girls like to be spoken to dirtily, called names, restrained and just treated roughly. While all of this is ok in certain doses there needs to be a balance. When I was about 23 or 24 I was seeing a guy who thought that it would be awesome to choke me every time we were intimate. The first time was a bit of a startle and I went with it but then I came to realise that was the only way that he could get off. I brought it to his attention and his response was "I know women like it, so just go with it". Where did he get this idea from? Was it a case of art imitating life or life imitating art? I ended up breaking up with him because I didnt feel safe and he wouldnt listen to my concerns. He had seen it on the internet, he knew it all. Apparently. 

I am smart enough to realise that there are pros and cons to all situations and porn and masturbating are not any different. A pro of both these things is that you can generally last long in sexual acts (which has a lot to do with desensitisation I think) and it also helps you to realise what you like. If I wasn't to have started to self pleasure how would I have ever been able to direct someone to make me feel pleasure? It certainly expands your ideas about what you are willing to try and I don't think I would have seen a vagina other than my own if I hadn't watched porn. I could have been going through my life feeling self conscious about my garden thinking that it was odd, but now I know that I am pretty normal.

Pornography and Masturbation put strain on our relationships

When the idea first came to me about this blog I threw out a few feelers to get other peoples ideas on the situation and this brought up some pretty large cons for me. A friend of mine has recently gotten married to an amazingly beautiful girl who he loves dearly, he started to watch porn to help him last longer in bed but he has come to see a change in himself and its not really been a change for the good. He was hiding the fact that he was watching porn form his wife, his searches became more extreme and he wasn't able to come unless he went back to porn based fantasies while he was with his wife. He admitted to feeling cheap and dirty about this and like he was cheating on her and that's not a feeling that I can imagine would be a nice one. He shared his secret with her and she was ok with it but I think he still has doubt in his head about enough being enough so has decided to stop it all just to be safe. 

Maybe this guy was an extreme case and as I have been single for longer than I care to mention I cant really give much input into the implication on porn and relationships. Is watching porn considered cheating? Would you feel comfortable watching porn with your partner and getting them involved or is it something that you keep as your secret? I can ask the same questions about masturbation. I personally think there is nothing wrong with doing it while you are in a relationship, if you have the urge and they arent available then go for it, generally the more you get, the more you want so it will have a knock on effect. And really there is nothing that compares to the real thing anyway so me masturbating today would not stop me from wanting to have sex tomorrow. 

My only long term relationship ended due to problems in the bedroom and as much as I don't like to admit it this is always playing in the back of my head that it could happen again.For this reason I am going to take it back to basics, the bare necessities, because when that next relationship comes knocking at my door I want to be the best me that I can be for them. If that means giving up porn and masturbating then I guess we have to do what we have to do. Its probably not goodbye, its just see you later. There is no hard and fast rule on this and my head is still confused but I am atleast going to give it a crack. Future Kerry may thank me when she can come from two strokes

Love and Thrusts 

Miss K

While Googling for pictures I found this link - I dont think my reasons have much to do with god but I guess this shows that it really is an issue. 

N.B Maybe all of this has stemmed from that awkwardness that happens when you are watching porn and you accidentally climax in the anticlimatic bit, you know what I mean, it would happen in that moment when they are having some sort of stupid irrelevant conversation and you feel like you have wasted your band width... don't deny, its happened to all of us. Remove the cause, alleviate the problem. 

Welcome to 2014

I have just read back over this blog post and realised that I didn't actually make any resolutions for 2013, I am guessing if I had have I would have probably failed them anyway because it appeared to be the year that time and sanity forgot. It was very much a down year (don't get me wrong, some of it was pretty fucking awesome) and as I rang in the new year this week I looked around at the people I was with and felt reassured that I was coming out of 2013 in better shape that I went in and that 2014 was going to be positive. The new year is always a good time to reflect on what you have been doing and where you would like to go and maybe finally start to make those changes that you have in your head. A new year, a new start, a new you. Here is what new Kerry is after...

A Resounding Confidence - this one will actually probably come as a shock to people but I am not a confident person, I doubt every move I make and think that I am not worthy of anything. That really needs to change. I need to start believing in the power of me, it would appear that I am well liked and well respected so why cant I like myself? I am the heaviest that I have ever been and the most out of shape that I have ever been and I have no one to blame for that but myself. This is affecting everything I do so I need to fix it and I am the only one that can do that. Is it look good, feel good or feel good, look good? either way I need to get on board that train, I know that I can do it, because I have done it before. No Excuses. 

Get better with Money - Yes, I know that I say that every year and I think that it is going to be a constant struggle for me. I am sick of stressing about money (and I stress a whole heap) and wondering if I am going to be able to pay my rent (The answer is normally no). This is probably going to have to mean  no going out, no eating out, no lining up for sneakers.... but really that's all material. I think I need to focus on the bigger picture. Travel, adventure, I need it. I did actually do pretty well this year and had a nice bank of savings going and then my insides done went and exploded and that kinda fucked me. Hospitals are expensive yo. 

Find Love - Yep this is a big and almighty one and one that is totally probably out of my control. With my "issues" I'm less likely to open up to people unless they are supremely special. I want to find that someone that calms my insides and relaxes me just by being there. I have felt it, I know its out there. Lets just hope that when I feel it, they feel it to. I am ready to let someone in to look after me, I dont have to do this all on my own

No Fear - Maybe I need to get those No Fear eyes tattooed on me as a daily reminder to be less scared of life. Its some what rolled into my PTSD, I know this but I want to get better at strategies to help me move forward. I am sick of being in fear about everything. 

Nicer is Better - This year I want to be nicer, I am a cunt sometimes and I wont deny that, I get jealous and conflicted and annoyed and it turns me into an arsehole and no body likes an arsehole. Everyone is different and this is what makes the world an amazing place. I need to remember this...

Find a Passion - My dad asked me when I was back in Perth when I was going to start doing Karate again and it made me think that I don't really have any hobbies. I think I need to find one, it probably wont be Karate because I was very bad at that but I might like to try my hand at cooking classes (I have always wanted to learn the chef chop) or maybe go and do a creative writing course (you can all testify to the fact that I need all the help that I can get). I think I just need something to immerse myself in. I am a sucker for learning.

Write More - Maybe this one can flow on from the last one, but I aim to write more. I enjoy it, I think I might have a talent for it (but that is open to debate) and it helps me clear my head. I think I need to foster this. I also want to read more books and kick my social network habit. I think they are all part of the one thing... in a round about kind of way. 

Be Selfish - I know this is a weird one and most people would be striving to do the opposite but for me my whole life appears to revolve around protecting other peoples feelings and I'm sick of that. I'm doing myself a disservice by letting the guilt eat me. No More. I think this one has a lot to do with my lack of confidence in myself so hopefully when one changes the other wont be far behind it. 

But by far the biggest thing new Kerry wants is... 

To make more friends, meet more people, see more sights, smile more, laugh without abandon and just live life to the fullest. Life is all about the experiences that we have and the things we make for ourselves. I would like to be rich in what I have to give, because I am a firm believe that what you give out is what you get back, and I want it to be good things. 

Love and New Beginnings 

Miss K 

This is what I go into 2014 with, If they are all I come out the other side with I will be one lucky lady.